Making Time For God

First of all, before I talk about today's service, I want to mention what turned up on Thursday ...

C.S. Lewis' Surprised by Joy; Lucas Unleashed, by Jeff Lucas; and a beautiful Holding Cross

And I was only expecting one of those things to turn up. Surprised by Joy. Because I ordered it with some of my birthday money. But when it turned up, I was also surprised by Kate, who is more well known in our house for sending the kids lovely cards and bits and bobs through Post Pals, but this time, the surprise was for me!

The book by Jeff Lucas looks fantastic, and I can't wait to read it! I'm getting a little queue of Christian books waiting for me now! :o) And the holding cross is just beautiful. Inside the blue leaflet which came with the cross (pictured above), it explains that the cross is made with olive wood from the Holy Land, and it is deliberately made uneven, to fit in the palm of the hand ...

Perfect fit!

It also explains that I can either just hold the cross, as a form of prayer, if I don't have the words to convey what I want to say, or I can hold the cross and pray for myself or for others. The leaflet is also filled with lots of beautiful verses, and the ones which spoke to me the most, I am including here:

In times of distress: As I hang on to the cross, Lord, hang on to me.

Our need of Christ's love and mercy: As I hold this cross, Lord, fill me with your strength and peace.

Resurrection hope: As I hold this cross, Lord, I rejoice in the knowledge that our evil and sin do not have the last word, and that your love is indestructible.

Lord, however fearful I may be,
I know that nothing can separate me from your love;
neither death, nor life,
angels nor principalities,
things present, nor things to come,
evil powers, heights, depths,
or anything else in all creation - nothing at all!
Based on Romans 8:31-39

I LOVE how just holding this cross in my hand can be enough to make contact with God. I'm sure there will be times ahead where I struggle to find the words to know how to pray effectively, and in those times, it will be such a comfort to know that I can just hold my cross, open my heart, and talk to God without words.

Thank you very much, Kate!

I would love to be able to track one down for my mother-in-law, because after speaking to her on Friday evening, I know that she is struggling with the burden of responsibility and worry over her mother, Marge. She can't sleep properly for worrying, and I was so sad when she said to me that she feels that she is praying, but that Jesus isn't listening. I tried to reassure her as best I could with my clumsy words, but I think if she could have a holding cross, and read the leaflet and the incredibly relevant verses, I think it would help her a lot. The cross leaflet has a website link, so I'm going to start there.

Okay, so onto today's Church service. Despite setting TWO (count em, one, TWO!) alarms last night, I still overslept this morning, so we had a mad dash to get to the Church on time, but we JUST made it! Phew!

Today's service focused on 1) Argentina, and the missionary work being done there; 2) Making Time for God.

We sang some more beautiful hymns today, and after starting us off with some prayers, the missionaries gave their talk to the congregation. As I understand it, the English speaker, Paul, is a local man, but I don't think the Spanish speaker, his wife Norma, is. They work together in an area of Argentina called Corrientes, spreading the word of Jesus to the local children. They run a Christian school, above a Baptist Church, and they also go out into the community, and they encourage the older children they work with to help spread God's word themselves.

It was a very interesting talk, especially as it was led by the Spanish speaker, Norma, and then translated immediately, phrase by phrase, by Paul. Seren was a bit thrown by that, but I think it gave their talk an extra flavour, hearing about their work in Argentina, and seeing their photos, while hearing the local language as well.

And I think that this hymn was particularly suited to their talk:


Here I Am Lord

They obviously heard God's call to spread His word in Argentina, and are bringing so many children to know Jesus. Thank you Lord for Paul and Norma!

But the chorus also resonated especially strongly in me, as well:

Here I am, Lord, It is I Lord.
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, If You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I loved standing in God's Church and singing out loud Here I am, Lord! And yes, I did hear Him calling, calling me back to His Church. And now I'm back on my journey, I WILL go Lord, if He leads me.

But that wasn't the end of the service, oh no, that was just the family section! Once the children had finished colouring in their Argentinian flags, it was time for Seren to go to KatCh, and then Paul got up to speak again, to preach about Making Time for God.

We read from Ephesians, and the message today was that although we all have busy, stressful, manic lives, we have to remember to make time for God. He gave the example of Daniel (you know, as in Daniel in the Lion's Den?), who although he was in a position of great responsibility, one of three administrators for an entire kingdom, still found time to pray to God three times a day. And received God's power because of his devotion.

I was really pleased to think that since I got my Bible, I have been reading it every day before I go to sleep, and I've finished Genesis and last night, I just finished Exodus. So each night, I go to sleep with God's word in my heart and mind. I also find that I am praying at various times during the day, just short bursts, maybe like the equivalent of sending God a text message; and then at other times, I feel the need to sit quietly and say a longer prayer. And I love it! I love making time for God.

Maybe today's sermon was God's way of acknowledging my efforts to make time for Him.

After the service today, I had to stay behind to talk with the minister about starting the Alpha Course! Yay! There will probably be eight of us doing the course together, and I met four of them today when we got together to discuss when would be the best night of the week to hold our classes.

The plan is to start the classes on a Thursday evening, with the first class being held on 25th February, at a Church member's house. We'll have a meal first (I owned up to being vegetarian and wheat intolerant, with a blush or two, but the Church member said that's fine, and one of my course-mates said that her husband is wheat-intolerant too, so she knows a little about it. Phew!), and then we'll get down to studying.

Today's sermon theme was very appropriate when we were trying to settle on a time that was relatively suitable for all of us, as we all have many other commitments, and a lot of us had to re-jig things to get to the class on the one day we could all manage it.

Adrian wasn't overly happy when I told him that the class would be held from 7 pm to 9.30 pm on a Thursday night, because Thursdays are already our busiest nights, what with Seren going to her dance class from 5.30 to 6.30 pm, and then me going to Slimming World from 7 pm to 8 pm. Adrian spends most of the evening in the car as it is, bless him.

So I've had to re-jig things a bit, like a lot of my fellow course-mates, and I think the plan now will be to drop Seren off at dancing at 5.30 pm, then me to dash to Slimming World and weigh and go, and then go back and pick Seren up from dancing, and then Adrian can drop me off at the Church member's house for 7 pm. Phew! I said I'd get a taxi back home afterwards though, because bringing the kids out at 9.30 pm to pick me up, especially on a school night, isn't really very good for them.

So again, I was making time for God.

And, I just have to tell you that I am so proud of Seren for what she said in KatCh this morning! They were talking about people praying to God when they need help, specifically using the example of Paul and Silas's imprisonment, and the KatCh leader told me that Seren shared with everyone about how she prayed to Jesus to help her when she was so ill during December! Everyone was very interested to hear her story, and the KatCh leader was very pleased! :o) My little girl was just made to love God!

I'll leave you today with the Text for the Week (taken from the Church pamphlet):

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. Psalm 86 v 11-13

The Journey

On Saturday night, before I went to sleep, I prayed specifically that God would make His message for me clear this week at Church, and that I would learn from it, and be uplifted.

So you can imagine the jolt it gave me when we got into Church, and the first thing the lady who was taking the service did was to pray that everyone in the congregation would hear God speaking to them, and would hear His message. Wow! Talk about getting that prayer answered!

One of the main focuses of the service today was worship, and lots of it! We sang so so many hymns, about 9 I think! And I loved it. This was by far my favourite of them, and I'm glad I found it on Youtube, so I can share it with you ...


Beautiful One, By The Tree

Today the sermons (they have two, one for all the family, and then a more 'grown-up' one once the kids have gone to KatCh), were all talking about The Journey. And even that title spoke to me, having just found my way back onto my Journey with God.

The family sermon started with everyone being asked to write down on a piece of paper the shortest journey they'd made this week, and the longest one they'd made in the past year. For us, Seren wrote the shortest journey as being her weekly trip to Brownies, and our longest journey being to Cardigan, West Wales, last August. And then we talked about the most important journey of all, our journey with God.

Once Seren had gone through to KatCh, the 'grown-up' service started, and was led by a man. He read from Exodus 33, and he talked about journeys he has been on, like when he walked from Lowestoft to Southwold and back. Now THAT was a long way! And he said that even though the walk left him with a dodgy hip, he was still glad he did it, because it was the last time he was able to spend quality time with his friend who passed away some time later.

And he compared our physical journeys with our spiritual journey. For physical journeys, we have maps, compasses, familiar sights, or SatNavs to guide our way, and without them, we are lost. On our spiritual journey, the Bible is our map, and Jesus is our SatNav, and without Him, we are truly lost.

And just like our physical journeys, where we might experience delays, problems, take wrong turns, get lost, get stuck in traffic, etc; that also holds true for our spiritual journey. I certainly took a wrong turn in trying to cope with my father's battle with cancer, and to an extent, in trying to cope with the kids having CF too. I didn't read my map, and I didn't pray, which to me, is the equivalent of not even turning on the SatNav. So I got lost. Until God stepped in, turned on the SatNav for me, and told me, in no uncertain terms, to turn around and get back on the right road.

And now I feel that I'm back on track, with Jesus as my journey's destination.

He also said that everyone starts their journeys at different points, giving the example of C.S. Lewis, the author of the Chronicles of Narnia ... "I was driven to Whipsnade one sunny morning. When we set out I did not believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and when we reached the zoo I did." [C.S. Lewis]

Now that must have been some journey! To go from an athiest to a Christian in one short car trip. God did some serious talking to C.S. Lewis that day! I found out that I can read about C.S. Lewis' journey within a journey in his book Surprised by Joy, which I definitely want to track down and read.

So for me, the messages I got from the service were: 1) I'm on the right path, with Jesus as my journey destination; 2) There may well be bumps in the road (like with the kids' CF, and my Dad's cancer battle, and now Adrian's Nan being so very poorly), but as long as I keep reading my 'map' (Bible) and keep my 'SatNav' on (ie keep praying to Jesus), then I won't lose my way again; and 3) The destination (Heaven) will be more than worth the arduous journey.

I'll leave you with the Church's Text for the Week:

I will praise you O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 108 v 3-4

Surprise!

Wow!

I had a surprise when the postman turned up on my doorstep this morning!

Look what he brought me ...



A fabulous triple CD box-set of 'The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!' and that cool 'Spread The Word' book!

Yeah, and the CF Trust's 'CF Today' magazine. I put that in the photo too because I thought it sort of illustrated the two main themes of my life, God and CF. Normally, when I get that magazine, I force myself to read it from cover to cover, getting more and more emotional and I can't get CF out of my head for the rest of the day. Even though the publication itself tries to be as positive as possible, I always feel very low after reading it.

But not today!

Today I have three new CDs of inspirational worship songs to listen to, and a new book to read, which I'm hoping will bring me closer to God. The book is a compilation of sample chapters from 19 Christian books, and as the foreword says, the hope is that it will inspire the reader to go out and buy one or more of the books, read it/them, and "nurture your faith".

I can't wait to read it! I've been reading my Bible every night before bed, and I'm really enjoying it, so to have this book to read as well is fabulous!

And so I'd like to say a huge

T H A N K Y O U

to Kim for sending it to me, I really appreciate it!

Now, if I just knew who sent me the CDs, I would be able to thank them too ...

God is at Work in Seren's Life!

This is going to be short, as it's bedtime, but I just had to share this ...

I was sat on the bed, drying Seren's long hair after her shower tonight, and she said in a small voice, "Mummy, I felt a bit weird at Church today ..."

I asked her what she meant, expecting her to elaborate on feeling wheezy, or nauseous or something, but no ...

"I don't know, I just ... felt really weird when we were hearing about how Jesus is my friend, and how I can speak to him whenever I like and know that he hears me. I felt ... like ... different. Do you ever feel like that?"

My heart soared as I finally understood what she meant.

"Why yes, Seren, I feel like that every single time I go to our new Church."

"How do you feel?"

"I can feel Jesus in my heart."

"Yes! That's it! That's how I felt! I feel like ... like God is transforming me." Those are the exact words she used!

I agreed, saying that God is transforming both of us right now, and after a big hug, she said "We were meant to go to our new Church, God meant for us to go there."

WOW!

The font just doesn't go big enough for how big I want my WOW to be!

I am so happy for my little girl, to see how God is at work in her life, right now!

Thank you Lord!!!

Re-Learning and Moving Forward

I had a bit of a shock when my alarm woke me up this morning, as the clock said 10.03 am! So it was action stations, and we just made it to the Church on time! And I'm so glad we did, because today's service was just as inspirational as the previous ones.

First of all, we watched a short video on the Haiti earthquake and how to pray about the disaster. Here are the main prayer points we were given, which I've taken directly from the Tearfund website:

Pray for the people of Haiti as they deal with the aftermath of the earthquake, ask the Lord to comfort those who are injured and mourning.

Pray for rescue efforts to find survivors trapped in destroyed buildings and for communication links and power supplies to be restored quickly.

Pray for a swift and generous response from the international community to help this disaster-prone poor country.

Pray for the safety and protection of Tearfund staff and partners based in Haiti and that they will be able to respond as effectively as possible.

We then moved on to the child-friendly part of today's service, which focused on Jesus healing the blind man, Bartimaeus (which can be found in Mark 10 v 46-52). We sang some beautiful hymns, and then the children were invited to go and sit at the front of the Church, while the leader told them the story of Bartimaeus being healed, holding up pictures to show the children.

And at the end, the leader said to the children how amazing it was that Jesus had heard Bartimaeus calling to Him, above all the other noises and chattering of the crowd, and He had answered him. And the leader said that if the children call on Jesus, He will hear them as well. He also said that once, we were all blind, unable to see Jesus, but once we ask Jesus to heal us, we will be able to see so much more clearly.

A short while later, the children went through to their 'Kids at Church' (KatCh for short) group, and the service continued for the adults, with communion. The leader spoke about the Last Supper, and about how Jesus died on the cross so that our sins would be forgiven. The words today really spoke to me, and the weight of Jesus' actions really sank in - he died so that when I die, my many sins will be forgiven, and I will have eternal life. That is just ENORMOUS. Jesus did that for me, because He loves me!

Wow!

And so when the man brought round the bread and I took my piece, I prayed quietly and thanked Jesus for dying for me on the cross, and asked him to forgive the sins I have committed since my first communion last month.

Then the man brought round the wine, and we had to keep it until everyone else had their wine and we all drank together. And then we sang the most amazing hymn afterwards! I've found it on the internet, which I'm so pleased about, because I wanted to share it with you ...


Amazing Love, by Graham Kendrick

I was close to tears when I sang it at Church, but having sung along to it twice since finding it on the internet now I'm at home, I have shed many tears at the words of this hymn.

Amazing love, O what sacrifice,
The Son of God, Given for me,
My debt He pays, And my death He dies,
That I might live.

As I said,

WOW!

Of course, I have known that Jesus died for my sins for years, because I grew up in the Church, but today, it really sank in all over again.

Thank you Jesus!

After communion, the service moved on to today's theme, 'Run the Race'. We read from Hebrews 12 v 1-2.

My Good News Bible version is slightly different, but the message is the same:

"As for us, we have this large crowd of witnesses round us. So then, let us rid ourselves of everything that gets in the way, and of the sin which holds on to us so tightly, and let us run with determination the race that lies before us. Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end. He did not give up because of the cross! On the contrary, because of the joy that was waiting for him, he thought nothing of the disgrace of dying on the cross, and he is now seated at the right-hand side of God's throne."

The message from the sermon was that we have to run the race towards God, keeping our eyes on Jesus the whole time. Jesus is our goal, and the race is our lives here on earth. And although there are many things in life which make the race harder, Jesus is there to help us at every step, and when we cross the finish line, the rewards will be incredible.

And so, wanting to continue my race, I spoke to the KatCh leader after the service, and briefly explained my history, saying that I want to move forward as a Christian, but am not too sure how to do that. I know that Baptism is my goal, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet, I mean, I DO believe in Jesus, and that He IS my Saviour, but I don't think I know enough about God yet, I want to learn more.

And so, the KatCh leader brought over the deacon who gave today's service, who took my number, and is going to get the Reverend (who was away preaching at the nearby prison today) to phone me about starting The Alpha Course!

The KatCh leader said that she has done the course several times, and said that it is great for going 'back to the basics' and is a great foundation to build upon. Then I can look towards studying for baptism. The Alpha Course will be held at the Church, in the evenings, for ten weeks, and will help me to get to know fellow churchgoers, and to make friends within the Church, which will be a great way to get involved and feel more part of the family.

I can't wait!!!

Seeking Help From The Bible

My new Bible arrived yesterday! Yay!

And so, yesterday afternoon, forsaking the washing up (what a sacrifice!) I started reading my Bible. I want to slowly read the Bible from cover to cover, but to start off, I wanted to look at the 'Where To Find Help' section, which covers things like sadness, fear, illness and anger. I wanted to find some messages for me, directly applicable to the journey my family is on, especially at the moment with Adrian's Nan being so very poorly, and with the battles my Dad, Seren and Dylan fight every day.

So I started with the recommended verses on illness, and these ones in particular jumped out at me:

"I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." Romans 8 v 18.

"For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day. And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble." 2 Corinthians 4 v 16-18.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of it's own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings." Matthew 6 v 34.

"Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart." Philippians 4 v 6.

"Since Christ suffered physically, you too must strengthen yourselves with the same way of thinking that he had; because whoever suffers physically is no longer involved with sin." 1 Peter 4 v 1.

After writing those verses down in my notebook, in order to focus on them when I am struggling in the future ...





... I received the phone call from Adrian's Mum to say that Marge was being taken into hospital, and that things weren't looking good for her. Seren was very concerned to hear that, as was I, and I had promised to contact Adrian's Dad to let him know what was happening, and of course, when Adrian got home from work, I would have to tell him too. So I decided to look for further help from my Bible ...

Lots more verses jumped out at me ...

"We who have the Spirit as the first of God's gifts also groan within ourselves, as we wait for God to make us his children and set our whole being free." Romans 8 v 23.

"For we know that when this tent we live in - our body here on earth - is torn down, God will have a house in heaven for us to live in, a home he himself has made, which will last forever." 2 Corinthians 5 v 1.

[Jesus said] "Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11 v 28.

These verses definitely helped me a lot, and so when Seren and I were talking later that evening, while Adrian was picking his mother up from the hospital, and I said to her "Seren, there's something we need to talk about now," and she said "Is it that Nanny Marge might die?", I drew on the wisdom in those verses.

That wasn't actually what I was going to say to her, by the way, I was going to say that we need to take extra special care of Daddy at the moment, and not shout at him (Seren) or ask him for things all the time (both of us) or be too grumpy with him (Seren ... mostly), because he will be very worried about his Nanny.

But once we'd discussed that, we came back to what Seren had said. I said that Nanny Marge has been alive for a very long time, almost 90 years, and so now, her body is getting old and tired, and so even if she does recover from this current episode, then at some point in the not too distant future, because her heart is getting very tired, Marge is likely to be going to see Jesus. And Seren's not silly, she already knew that herself, of course, and I think Adrian's Mum has broached the topic with her briefly as well.

But I stressed that for Marge, going to see Jesus will be a very good thing. She is a strong Christian, who has stayed a strong Christian through the many trials she has endured in her life, and has, I'm sure, more than earned her place in Heaven. And waiting for her in Heaven, will be her parents, her brother, and her husband, whose loss she has mourned for almost nine years.

We, her family, left here on earth, will of course be sad to see her go, because we will miss having her here with us, but once Marge goes to Jesus, she will be healed - healthy, young and strong, and she definitely won't be missing her 89 year old, tired body. She will be happy, and she will be with all those who have gone before her.

We also said a prayer together, to ask God to look after Nanny Marge, and to help the doctors to look after her and help her, and to make sure that Nanny Marge knows that we love her. And it really seemed to help Seren, she got her worries out, and was able to talk about them, and I was able to try and reassure her.

I hope I said the right thing. I couldn't lie to Seren about Marge's precarious health, because she would eventually resent that, but I could try to help her to see that although we will be sad, and will naturally miss Nanny Marge, Nanny Marge herself will be just fine in Heaven.

I'm glad that I have my renewed faith to help myself and Seren through these tough times, and I have been praying that God will help me to support Seren properly through our faith.

I think my new Bible arrived in the nick of time.

A Prayer Request

I'd like to ask you to lift Adrian and his family up in prayer at the moment, as his grandmother, Marge, is very poorly.

This was Marge on Seren's birthday last July

She is 89 years old and has an enlarged heart, which they can't really treat, but since Christmas, she has been going quickly downhill and has started sleeping almost all day, and just sitting up in bed gives her breathing problems. She has also started bleeding. Today the GP got the results of her blood test. She is very low on platelets, which needs to be 'rectified' in his words, so Marge was admitted to hospital this evening.

Things are not looking good for her at the moment, she seems to be getting more and more unwell very quickly, and so I am requesting that you ask God to keep her close, to 'carry her', as the Footprints poem says.

Marge is a devout Christian and is pretty ready to go to Jesus, and to be reunited with her dear husband and much-loved family members who are waiting for her, but whether He calls her to be with Him in the near future, or some time from now, Marge's family (particularly Adrian's mother, Adrian himself, and Seren) are going to struggle with having to say goodbye, and so I'm also asking you to pray that God will give strength and peace to Adrian's mother, Adrian and Seren.

I am also praying that I will be able to do my bit to support everyone through this time.

My Dad is also really struggling with his Ankylosing Spondylitis at the moment, and is in serious amounts of pain all the time. I was hoping that he would be well enough to join us here in Suffolk for my birthday, but unfortunately he won't be. Please could you pray that his doctors will be able to get moving with the next step in his treatment, so that the chemo will knock out his AS for a while, or, if he does have a long wait for treatment ahead of him, that the doctors can find a better way than the current morphine to ease his pain.

Thank you xx

Treating Myself

Look what I treated myself to today ...

A new Bible for a new start!

I do have two Bibles already, I admit, but they are childrens' Bibles. One of these, I had as a young child, and it's actually the childrens' version of the above Good News Bible, and the inside covers are filled with Christian stickers I used to collect. The other is a Bible for teenagers, with appropriate discussions and thinking points for teenage Christians. Not quite as appropriate for a 28-nearly-29-year-old. So I was in the market for a new one.

And how was I going to pay for it?

Well ... when I stood down as Committee Secretary at the day nursery Dylan used to attend, I was given a gift card for Waterstones book shop, as a 'thank you for all the hard work' present. I had yet to spend it, even though it was about six months old, as I'd been saving it for something special - something I would always remember having bought with my gift card from the nursery.

And I finally found that special something on the Waterstones website today! :o)

And I just love that the end of one era has been linked with the start of a new era. When Dylan graduated from nursery in August 2008, and I left the management committee in June 2009, it really was the end of an era for me, as that was probably the last time I will ever set foot in a nursery. And knowing that that is because we can't have any more children, because of cystic fibrosis, it is something I have really struggled with emotionally.

And so now, as I move into a new era where I am finding my way 'back to the fold', growing again as a Christian, it is so nice to bring a memento of my childrens' younger years with me on that journey, in the form of this new Bible.

I can't wait for it to arrive, and for me to be able to start reading it, and to be able to fulfil another part of the promise I made on Sunday - to read my bible daily. :o)

New Year, and Renewal

Today was mine and Seren's first time back at church since the Carols by Candlelight service, and we couldn't wait to get back in there!

What with Seren's chest infection (which she now seems to have almost completely recovered from) and our spending New Years in Wales, our attendance has been patchy since we started there, but there's nothing stopping us now!

We were expecting Seren to be in the 'Kids at Church' group today, but because it was the Annual Renewal service, the kids stayed in the chapel with the adults. They weren't bored though, they had some arts and crafts to do to keep them busy!

The renewal service was a time to reaffirm our promise to God, and to each other as congregation members.

The question being asked was "What will you choose, who will you choose?"

And the key verse was "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." (Joshua 24:15)

For me, this service came at the perfect time, at this point in my life, where that is exactly what I needed to do - to choose to serve the Lord. And yet again, I was amazed at just how relevant it all was to me, how much God was speaking directly to me.

Various people spoke during the service, showing us that in order to renew ourselves today, we need to first look backwards, to see where we have been. And of course, that's what I've been doing on this blog all afternoon. Showing you where I have been, so that you can see my journey going forwards. And so that's what I was doing at church this morning, thinking about how I had wandered away from the Church and from God, and how all of a sudden, God had turned me around and plonked me right back into the thick of things.

There was a lot of looking back over 2009. They showed a video of several church members looking back over what had happened to them in 2009, and how God had sustained them through the year, and then they showed those people talking about what God might have in store for them in 2010.

The arts and crafts items that the children were making tied in nicely with this, as they were decorating bunting flags, and each child was able to select a few flags to decorate.

Seren chose one which said "In 2009, Jesus was my friend," and one which said "In 2010, Jesus will be there for me," and she coloured them in very prettily, explaining to me that she had coloured what she felt were the most important words on the flag in one colour (Jesus, my, and friend on the 2009 flag; and Jesus, there, and me on the 2010 flag), and coloured the rest of the words multi-coloured. :o)

I love the way she thought more deeply about it, and got her own message from Jesus out of the task, not just blithely colouring in the words and shapes.

And then, it was time for everyone to look forward to 2010, to renewing their promise to God. Two speakers talked to the congregation about looking forward into 2010, and the promises we could make to God and to the church.

Firstly, they talked about some personal promises, from me to God, which I could be making. The ones which jumped out to me most today were to promise to read the Bible daily, to talk more about my faith, and to think about moving forward in my journey, by becoming a church member or being baptised. Those are the ones which really hit me hard, the ones that I felt God meant for me to think about. And, just by starting up this blog today, I have already made good on one of my promises, to talk more about my faith!

The Church promises were ones such as coming to church more often, supporting fellow church members, taking the church out into the community, and supporting the church with talent, time or money.

And then, if we wanted to actually make those promises, to God and to the Church, there were two things we could do. To make our promise to God, to choose to serve him in 2010, we could choose to 'drop the pebble into the bucket' (or in this case, the glass pebble into the bowl), and to make our promise to help 'build up' the Church, we could choose to add our names to a Lego brick, and build a little wall with all our names.

And so, yet again, there were physical ways to worship. The first service we attended, it was dressing up as a cow and an angel and re-enacting Jesus' birth. The second service, it was me taking part in my first communion. This time, it was choosing to get up, go to the front of the church, and drop the glass pebble into the bowl, as a symbol of my promise to serve the Lord in 2010.

It doesn't sound like much, just dropping a glass pebble into a bowl, but it meant so much. At the end of November 2009, I was so far away from my faith, and now, today, the 10th January 2010, less than two months later, I was standing at the front of the church, promising to serve the Lord in 2010. Incredible.

Thank you Lord! Thank you for bringing me back!

And to be dropping my glass pebble into the bowl alongside my precious daughter, well ... I couldn't have been happier.

And then, together, we wrote our names on the Lego bricks, and we helped to build that little Lego wall. Our names are now on those bricks, in that wall. We are now part of that wall. Part of that church. I can't believe it! Less than two months ago, I was, as I just said, so far away from my faith, and all alone, trying to struggle through my emotions on my own. Now Seren and I have a new church family. I can't believe it!

Thank you Lord! Thank you for bringing us to our new church family and bringing us home!

We made our way back to our seats on a total high, and we stood together in our pew, and I belted out the hymns with my arm around Seren's shoulders and my heart flying. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and Seren was right by my side. It was beautiful.

My only sadness was that Dylan wasn't right there with us. I know that he has his autism, and I know he has his developmental delays, so he's not able to participate in things like church services and 'Kids at Church' really yet - he hasn't got that level of understanding. But I can see the amazing progress he's made so far, and so, I am hoping and praying that if I'm patient, then one day, he will be able to become part of church as well. For now, just to be able to share this experience with Seren is an incredible blessing.

Two Services in One Day

Seren and I had to miss the service on the 13th of December, because, as the readers of my other blog will know, Seren and I were stuck in hospital all day that day. Seren had been put on IVs for a CF-related chest infection the day before, and her long line in her elbow, which was being used to pump the antibiotics into her bloodstream, clotted overnight.

We ended up staying in the hospital for 8 1/2 hours, while they fitted a cannula in her hand and gave her her evening dose of antibiotics. And even without the foul up with the lines, I don't think Seren would have been well enough to attend the service anyway, especially with the other young person with CF in the congregation being at risk of cross-infection from her.

So, we had to wait until the following week, the 20th. When we went to two services in one day! Yay!

In the morning, we went to the normal service, and I blogged about the first part of that in my other blog, so I'll just copy and paste that here ...

"Seren and I stayed together in the chapel for the first part of the service, which was all about Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, the gifts the Wise Men brought to the baby Jesus.

We were made to feel just as welcome as before, and Seren was able to go to the front of the Church with all the other children and make some pretty things out of gold paper, to represent Gold. She made a golden star, and a golden crown, with the help of a lovely lady sitting near her on the stage.

Then it was time for the children to go through to their 'Kids at Church' group, so I took Seren through to the hall, introduced her to the group leaders, explained about the cannula in her hand for her IVs, handed over her inhaler, and as Seren seemed incredibly relaxed and happy to be there, barely even glancing at me, I left her to it."

And when I got back into the chapel, God had more life-changing moments in store for me ...

When I got back into the chapel, they were still talking about Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, but in a bit more detail. The leader was saying that Gold needs to be purified before it's used, as do we, and that this is what happens to us through our lives, and this represents our past, and how our past has purified us.

Next the leader told us that Frankincense is burned to make the Church smell sweet, and that when we come to Jesus to pray, our hearts should be sweet, instead of full of bitterness about whatever is currently going on in our lives - the present.

And lastly Myrrh, which has had lots of uses, modern day uses being make up and a few other things, but it is a very bitter substance, and in this situation, it was used to represent the future, and how our plans for our lives can be very different from God's plans.

All those things really spoke to me. The 'Gold' section for me, was about all the trials we have endured in the past, and how those trials have made me the person I am today.

There have been so many trials, being bullied at school; being treated badly by an ex-boyfriend; my Dad's diagnosis of AS; going through a tough labour and delivery with Seren; Seren's diagnosis of cystic fibrosis; post natal depression after Seren's birth (which I had until she was about 15 months old); having a tough pregnancy and recovery period after my c-section with Dylan; Dylan's diagnosis of cystic fibrosis; Dylan being ill almost constantly from 1 month old to 3 years old; post natal and reactive depression from October 2004 to April 2009; losing my paternal grandfather in June 2006; losing my maternal grandfather in June 2007; my Dad being diagnosed with cancer in early 2008 ... There have been many trials.

And I felt as if God was speaking to me through the sermon, acknowledging all those trials, saying that it was those trials which were working to help make me into gold. That hit me so hard, but not as hard as the Frankincense section did ...

The leader asked if our hearts were pure and sweet when we prayed to God, or when we came to His house to worship. And I knew that mine was not. And I felt as if God was saying to me that He knew it wasn't too. I was tired, and bitter about how horribly ill Seren had been for the past couple of weeks, and how horribly hard life was at the time. Don't get me wrong, I was there that day to get some peace in my heart to replace the bitterness, to feel closer to God, to get some guidance on how to cope with the things in my life the way God wants me to.

And I got that in spades. I felt as if God was showing me that when I come to His house, and when I go to Him in prayer, my heart needs to be pure and sweet, that I need to let go of my bitterness. That part spoke to me so strongly that it had tears springing to my eyes.

And the Myrrh part spoke to me as well. If Myrrh is to show us how our plans for our future aren't necessarily the same as what God has in store for us, well ... that was a message direct to my heart as well, showing me that God knows best, he knows our paths, and as I read on a blog just today, "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you". And that is what I need to focus on for the future. God knows best. God has it all in hand. I don't think it's going to be that easy for me to hand the reins of my life to God, but that was the message I got from that part of the sermon, that that is what God wants me to do, hand the reins of my life to Him.

I have never had a sermon speak to me so directly and so clearly. My mind was reeling. And when the leader said that for communion that day, there would be three tables of bread and wine: one table with bread, wine and gold; one table with bread, wine and frankincense; and one table with bread, wine and myrrh; and that if anyone wanted to take part in communion, then they should choose the table which most suited their needs at that time for prayers, past; present; or future ... well, it was like a lightning bolt to me.

I've never taken communion before, because when I was younger, I was told that communion was for the grown ups, and then when I was a little older, I was told that communion was only for those (like my mother) who had been Baptised. (For non-Baptists, remember, Baptists must choose to be baptised as adults, and are not baptised as babies)

So, I've not been baptised. The point at which I would otherwise have been thinking about studying for being baptised, I was actually moving to England, getting married in a register office and then having Seren and caring for her and her CF needs.

But the leader said that the only requirement for taking communion was that you have to believe in Jesus, and love Jesus. Which I know I do. And so I thought about it. And thought about it.

Should I take communion? Is it too soon in my journey 'back into the fold'? Should I do it? Is it the right time?

I waited for my answer.

And I felt that it was a resounding YES. It felt absolutely right.

And so I did it! I got up, heart pounding, and I walked to the Frankincense table, waited in the queue, and moved closer and closer to the front. When I got there, a man and a lady stood at the table, one with the bread, and one with the wine, and I quickly, breathlessly, asked them, "I haven't been baptised, but I do believe in and love Jesus, is this okay?"

They assured me that it was, and the man offered me the plate of bread. Now, being wheat intolerant, and with that being 'normal' wheat-containing bread, I was a little nervous, but I wasn't going to let wheat intolerance stop me from having my first communion, and so I broke off a small piece of bread, and put it in my mouth.

My heart was still pounding, and it was an enormous moment for me. The lady offered me the tiny cup of wine, and I drank it down, and the man and lady both asked God to bless me, and it was just the most incredible feeling ever. I thanked them, and made my way back to my seat in absolute awe of what had happened to me that morning.

I still can't believe how strongly I felt God changing my life.

When I got back to my seat, I had chance to say my own private prayer, and to talk to God quietly. And I needed that. I was so glad of that quiet time while everyone else was finishing taking communion, when I could thank God for what He is doing in my life now, and ask for His help in making my heart less bitter, and more sweet.

And for the whole of the rest of the service, I was close to tears. Every song seemed written just for me, with just the words I needed to be singing to my Lord. It was incredible. Church has never seemed so personal.

When the service was over, I collected Seren from the hall, and she was absolutely bursting with excitement! Her 'Kids at Church' group were taking part in the Carols by Candlelight service that afternoon, and she was desperate to know if she could dress up as an angel and sing with them on stage. And, as she knew, she had a beautiful angel outfit hanging in my wardrobe, just waiting for Christmas Day. So she wanted to know if she could wear it a few days early for the carol service. And of course, I said yes! So she was chuffed!

So, by 4 pm, we were back at our lovely new Church, ready for some Christmas fun ...

Seren, Dylan and Adrian making stockings in the church hall

Dylan and his stocking

Seren and her finished stocking

Adrian and Dylan's stockings

Meeting Father Christmas, who put some chocs in their stockings for them!

And then once the kids had had some refreshments, and we'd got Seren changed into her angel costume, we made our way back into the chapel for the carol service ...

Seren at the front of the chapel, waiting for the service to start

The chapel looked beautiful, with tons of electric and real candles, and the most beautiful wooden nativity set nestled in the corner, and the lights on the Christmas tree burning brightly.

And it was a lovely service! And even Dylan, with his autism, coped quite well through it too! He did get restless a few times, and Adrian had to take him out to the toilet once, and he did get up and dance around to one of the hymns at one point, but only after two other similarly-aged boys did it first! And because it's a nice relaxed atmosphere, and the Church band and singers and the congregation drowned out any noise the boys might have made, it was fine!

There were lots of songs being sung, readings being read, prayers being prayed, dances being danced, and drama scenes being acted, and there was even a puppet show, which Dylan loved! And of course, Seren had her big moment with the rest of the angel singers ...

Waiting to sing their song

Busily singing their song, with actions!

The angels had to stand near the crib and sing a song, complete with actions, and considering that Seren only had her first rehearsal that morning, she did rather well!

It was a beautiful, Christmassy service, and we came out of the church totally uplifted. And I was glad that I'd been able to explain to one of the leaders that because of Seren being on IVs and having our 'hospital sleepovers' and late night and early morning doses of IVs, we wouldn't be able to make any more church services until the New Year, when we would be back from Wales.

Finding the Fold

And so on that Sunday morning, we got ourselves all ready, and Adrian and Dylan dropped us off outside the church. I was so nervous walking up to the door, but the door was opened by the most friendliest of men, who welcomed us into the church and directed us towards the chapel itself, where we were greeted again in the most friendly of manners, and Seren was given a strand of silver tinsel, while I was given a card with the word 'Moo!' on it.

One of the greeters explained that today was the family nativity service, where the entire congregation would be getting involved in the fun, and so we took our place in the 'animals' section of the pews.

I sat there with Seren, amid the hustle and bustle of parents settling their kids for the service, friends greeting each other and enquiring after each other, and children laughing and giggling and chatting between themselves, and I was amazed at just how at home I felt.

I stared around at the many people-filled pews, the twinkling Christmas tree on the raised pulpit area, the Christmas lights draped above the organ stall, and the instruments lying on the stage, waiting for the band to sit down to play them.

The whole atmosphere was welcoming, and that feeling only intensified as the service started. And we had a lot of fun in that service. It was led by two speakers, and as promised, pretty much all of the congregation got involved in that nativity! I, along with many other adults and children, was a cow. There were other animals like pigs, sheep and rabbits; and there were loads of Marys, Josephs, Shepherds and angels. Seren was an angel :o)

We all had to get dressed up in our costumes, which for the animals like myself, meant that we had to make ourselves a headband with cow ears attached and a cow nose which we tied on with string. Angels had white robes and tinsel to wear, and Seren happily trotted off with all the other angels (all strangers to her at this point!) and got herself ready. And all the Marys had blue robes to wear, and the shepherds had green robes and teatowels.

Me as a cow (taken after the service)

Seren as an angel

Me and my angel (a lovely lady sitting near us offered to take this photo of Seren and I together)

And we all had parts to play in the nativity. The Marys and Josephs had lines to say, and had to go up to the stage to say them, and so did the shepherds. And the angels had the coolest part of all! They regularly had to stand up and shout "SURPRISE!" for example, when they appeared to Mary to tell her that she would be bearing Jesus, and when they appeared to the shepherds to tell them of Jesus' birth. Seren LOVED doing that!

But my (and all the other animals!) starring moment was when we had to go up to the stage and sit on the front of the stage, in front of the stable, and sing Away in a Manger and make our animal sounds.

I sat there, amid all the other grinning 'animals', looking out at a beaming Seren, and at all the other smiling people in the congregation, and I just couldn't believe I was actually there! Actually taking part!

Both Seren and I were made to feel incredibly welcome, and the whole time I was in the church, I just couldn't believe how at home I felt. I had never been in the building in my life before, but from the second I stepped over the threshold, it was like ... coming home. I could feel my heart opening again, coming alive again, letting Jesus back in. I had to fight back the tears during the hymns, the words all rang so true, and spoke so strongly to me, piercing me right to the heart.

I never wanted the service to end, but of course, it did, and so Seren and I made our way through to the church hall for a cup of tea, where we met lots more friendly people. We bumped into the friendly man who had greeted us at the door, and when I asked him about the Christmas services coming up, he gave me a leaflet with them all on, and they sounded great! There was a regular service on the 13th, a Carols by Candlelight service on the 20th December, a Watchnight service on Christmas Eve, and a Family service on Christmas morning.

We walked back out to meet Adrian and Dylan, who were waiting for us in the car, and we were absolutely buzzing. Seren had enjoyed herself so much, and I was just over the moon at how much I had got out of the service, and I just knew that that day was the first day of the rest of my life.

The Beginning of my Journey

I guess I should tell you a bit more about myself, my family, and my religious history, so you can see where I'm coming from, and better follow my journey.

This is me ...



I'm Rebecca, and these are the precious people I share my life with ...



This is my husband of nearly 9 years, Adrian, our 7 year old daughter, Seren, and our 5 year old son, Dylan. If you want to read more about us as a family, then head on over to my original blog, Life as a Mum to 2 Children with Cystic Fibrosis. This blog is ongoing, and I've been keeping it for over three years now, and it chronicles the rough road we've been following for the past few years.

This blog is my place to explore my spirituality, and is my way of keeping track of my journey 'back into the fold'. Not that I've ever hidden my religion on my other blog, I've mentioned prayers and prayer requests, and spoken about going to Church, or Seren going to Sunday School, but this blog ... this is where I want to talk in more detail about how I'm feeling, and about my desire to get to know the Lord better to be able to love Him and praise Him fully again.

So, in order to move forward, I need to explain my past, the other side of my 'broken road' ...

I was dedicated into the Baptist Church as a baby, and my mother and maternal grandmother were regular Church attenders.

For any non-Baptist readers, Wikipedia has a brief explanation of Dedication ... "A dedication ceremony takes place in some Christian churches which practice adult baptism (most commonly Baptist churches). The child is presented to the congregation, and vows are made to raise him or her in the Christian tradition, in the same way as at the more common christening ceremony, but the child is not baptised, as the adherents of the denomination believe infants are unable to make a profession of Jesus Christ as Saviour."

For all of my childhood, I attended one of the two Baptist churches in my hometown. The pastor at my church was called Mr Close, and he was the nicest pastor ever, and the Sunday School leader, Mr Rosser, was just as nice. I attended the Sunday School from a young age, working my way up through the classes as I grew older, and a couple of times, I even gave the Sunday School lesson to my class when I got into my later teens. I also attended Good News Club on a Friday night at the Church, and then when I outgrew that, I moved on to Christian Endeavour, which was also held on a Friday night.

So, Church was a big part of my life, and I loved it.

When I moved here to Suffolk, I knew no-one, save for Adrian, his parents and his grandparents. I discovered that there was a nearby Baptist Church in my new home town, but to be honest, I was too nervous to turn up on my own out of the blue, knowing no-one, and so, when my grandmother-in-law offered for me to join her at the local Friends Mission Hall for their Sunday service, I accepted gladly.

The Friends Mission made me feel very welcome, and because they followed a Baptist form of service (and Seren and Dylan were Dedicated there, following the Baptist order of service), I settled in okay, but I was in somewhat of a minority, and not just because I'm Welsh, but because at least 90% of the small congregation were in their 70's and 80's. I was in my early twenties at the time. But we were made very welcome, and Seren went to her first Christmas services there at the Friends Mission in December 2002.

But then when we moved to the other side of town in February 2003, and neither Adrian nor I could drive (I still can't!), and I was working 5 evenings a week as a directory enquiries operator, I couldn't attend the Friends Mission Hall services very often.

So, as I didn't know anyone in our new area of town, I just made do with going to services with my mother at the Baptist church in South Wales whenever we were 'in town'.

But then, a few months after we moved, I was given information on nearby toddler groups, one of which was held on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons at a nearby Church of England church. It fitted in nicely with Seren's naps at the time, and so we started going there now and then.

Again, we were made to feel very welcome, and we got to know the vicar and his lovely wife and children, and attended the occasional service there, usually at Christmas-time.

Once Dylan came along, and was so unwell, we didn't get to the toddler group very often, but I kept in touch with the vicar's wife through the Community Parenting programme I volunteered in for some time. (Here is an explanation of Community Parenting ... Community Parent Volunteers work with and support families living in the local area with a child under the age of 5 years. We offer a confidential, befriending, parent to parent support which helps isolated families to meet others. We use picture based information sheets covering topics such as parenting, healthy eating, hygiene and personal health. We are there to listen to families.)

So at this point, the only time we were visiting a church was when we'd attend the Baptist church in South Wales, and in January 2005, we spent a beautiful, emotional and uplifting day there having our wedding blessed, Seren dedicated for the second time, and Dylan dedicated for the first time, in front of the Welsh side of our family and friends.

Dylan was dedicated for the second time in May 2005, here in Suffolk, at the Friends Mission Hall, with some of our Welsh family, and our English family there to share with us.

But we still weren't attending many actual church services, apart from the occasional service at the nearby Church of England church. And it was after one such service that we were talking to the vicar about Seren maybe starting to attend their Sunday School group, called the Sunday Gang. As I remember, Seren had just started attending Rainbows, which was held in the same church hall, and so I knew she felt comfortable there.

So, even though it was a Church of England church, I wanted to honour the promise we'd made to bring the children up in the Christian tradition, and so Seren started attending the Sunday Gang. And she really enjoyed it. The vicar, his wife and their children are lovely, and Seren settled in there nicely, back in ... late 2007, I think.

But more recently, Seren was seeming to lose interest in the Sunday Gang. At first, I thought it was just because she'd been unwell recently, but when her reluctance to attend persisted after she'd recovered, I had to re-think things.

I did try to encourage her to attend, stressing how much I had loved attending Sunday School when I was growing up, and I didn't want her to miss out on that, especially because she very much enjoys learning about God and Jesus, and loves to read her Bible stories, and so clearly wants to have God in her life.

But, in all honesty, I had to admit to myself, that it was rather hypocritical of me to be encouraging her to attend Sunday School when I myself rarely saw the inside of a church from one month to the next. I wasn't exactly 'practising what I was preaching'. So what sort of an example was I setting to her? 'Do as I say, not what I do'?

And that is the moment when God stepped in and changed my life.

That was when I had to admit to myself that I was gradually falling further and further away from the Lord, and was in danger of losing Jesus from my heart altogether.

Things had started to go a bit pear-shaped when I moved to Suffolk, and I struggled to find a Church I was comfortable with. But at first, that didn't affect my faith, and I was still trying to live my life as a Christian, upholding my Christian beliefs, and praying regularly.

But once things got so unbelievably difficult, when Dylan was a very sick baby, and a very sick toddler, I lost my focus a little. And then as depression held me tighter and tighter in it's awful grip, I lost my focus a lot. I became bitter and angry inside. But I did still pray. I didn't forget God completely, but I struggled to love Him completely, when such bad things were happening in my life. I know that's awful, because those times were when I should have been turning to Him even more, and letting Him sustain me ... but I didn't.

And then, when, on top of all the awful things that we'd suffered through, my Dad got cancer, ugh, I was just so darned angry. But I still prayed. I prayed and prayed for his cancer to be treatable, for him to be cured, for him to recover and to regain some quality of life. He was going through so much already with his Ankylosing Spondylitis (a treatment for his AS actually caused his lymphoma), and it was just ... well, totally unfair when he got cancer as well.

And then, when we were told in January 2009, that his doctors were giving up on trying to cure Dad's stubborn secondary mesenteric tumour, that they were just going to try to 'control' it for a while instead ... that was when my faith all but disappeared.

Red hot anger overwhelmed me, and, I'll admit it, I was angry at God. Why on earth was He putting my family through this??? Hadn't we been through enough??? I won't go into it all now, partly because it would take so long, and partly because it would invade the privacy of members of my family; but from about 1998 through to the present day, my family has been through some pretty horrendous times. It's been heartbreak after heartbreak.

And the thought of losing my father was the last straw. I was absolutely furious at God. I tried to tell myself that He had a plan for us, that there was a reason for all this stuff happening, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't see that plan, and I couldn't see why why why why why we had to face losing my precious Dad.

And after that, I pretty much turned away from God. I didn't pray too often, and found it hard to find comfort in religion. It was definitely not a fun time. But I didn't know how to make things any better.

I was still encouraging Seren to go to Sunday School through the year, but then when she became unenthusiastic about going, I knew I had to do something. I didn't want her losing her faith like I'd lost mine.

So I had to do some serious thinking.

And ... I decided that it was high time I got myself back into a church. Using the excuse that Church of England wasn't 'my style of church' wasn't going to cut it any more. If Church of England wasn't my style of worship, then what was I going to do about it?!?!?

Try the local Baptist church, that's what! And this time, I wouldn't be going alone. Knowing no-one. I'd be going with Seren.

I suggested it to her one Sunday, after she'd refused to go to Sunday Gang again, and she jumped at the idea. Wow. So I researched the Baptist church on the internet and saw their lovely website, and the following day, I phoned them up to ask if it was okay if we came along to their next service.

Of course, they said that was fine, and they said that they were happy to have Seren in their Sunday School, and happy to be responsible for her Cystic Fibrosis and asthma needs during the Sunday School sessions. And of course, I had to check if there were already any other young CFers attending the Sunday School, and as it turned out, although there is a young person with CF within the Church, that person is quite a few years older than Seren, and isn't in the same section of the Sunday School. Phew!

So we planned on trying out the Baptist church for the first time the following weekend, but as it turned out, I came down with a flu-style virus which knocked me out for two weeks solid, and so it wasn't until 6th December that we were able to attend a service ...

God Bless The Broken Road

First of all, the photo credit for the picture I used in my blog title ... Photo by J.D. Lasica (1988) I found it on this website when I searched for pictures of sheep.

It's a line from a Rascal Flatts song:

"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you."

And you could say I've been on a broken road. A road that started out pretty great, straight and true, heading straight towards the Lord. Then my life filled with changes, moving countries (Wales to England), leaving my family behind, leaving my familiar church behind, coming to a strange town, full of strangers, becoming a wife, becoming a mother ...

And then the challenge really started, and not only did the road 'break', with the lovely, smooth tarmac erupting into a never ending series of potholes, but I ended up losing the path completely for a while there.

My daughter (Seren) was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, and then so was my son (Dylan), when he came along 26 months later. I developed post natal depression, which turned into 'reactive depression' as I tried to care for my two children and their extra needs. And I struggled with living so far from my parents at such a time, especially as my Dad is disabled, and has been battling with his Ankylosing Spondylitis since the late 90's. And I lost my grandfather to brain cancer in 2007.

But through those tough times, I did try to find my way back onto the path a few times, and I kept praying. But then, when my father was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma in early 2008, and his still-continuing cancer battle began, I felt myself begin to fill with anger, and struggle to keep my admittedly dwindling faith.

And when we were told in January 2009 that my father's cancer wasn't curable anymore, that the doctors were just going to try and control it, the anger took over completely, and I found it difficult to even pray anymore.

But just last month, God made His move to bring me closer to Him again. Thank you Lord!

And, after making a promise in church today to make the effort to speak about my faith, I started this blog to chronicle my journey 'back into the fold'.

This lost sheep has found her way back to the path.

Photo credit: Sheep lamb - pdphoto

I have a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, but oh, what a journey it's going to be!