The Day of My Baptism

What a day!!! :o)

We kicked off the day with a fantastic morning worship service, preached by one of our church's missionaries from Albania, who spoke to us about seeing the world through God's eyes, seeing the big picture, not just our little slice of the world.

The baptism pool was all set up ready, and so myself and my two friends from the Alpha Course were able to take a good look at the pool and test the temperature, and finalise the arrangements for the evening. We were all feeling a bit nervous about random bits like delivering our testimonies, being up on stage in front of the congregation and guests, and for me, I was terrified of falling down the steps into the pool, because through the water, they looked like awfully narrow steps, and I have big feet! But we were also very, very excited!

When we got home, I finalised my testimony, and got the last things ready for my friend W and her children arriving to stay with us, and then they were here!

We had a lovely afternoon together, with a party tea for the 'birthday people' (Seren on the 11th, W's son B on the 19th, and Adrian on the 20th), and then it was time to get ready for the baptism service!

It was recommended that I wear a swimming costume under my clothes, in case they floated up or anything, and so I did. I was also told not to wear white, because it goes see-through once it's wet, so I wore black trousers and a green top. And because I was going forward to be immersed, I had to tie my hair up, because otherwise I'd come up out of the water looking like Cousin Itt from the Addams Family!

W and I prayed together, once we had got everyone ready, and W also made sure that I had everything I needed, including my notes for my testimony, and then it was time to go!

I was so very excited by the time we got to the church, I just could not wait to be baptised, to be saved by God's Grace, to die to my old life and my old sins, and be reborn and washed clean!

When we first got there, we got settled in, with Adrian and the kids, and W and her children taking up an entire front row on one side, and people came up to give me cards, and I had a chat to the ministers and the two lovely people, C and C, (whose names I don't want to share without permission, but because they have the same initials, we'll call them Cr and Ca) who were being baptised with me.

Seren and Dylan taking a look at the baptism pool

At about 5.45 pm, the ministers took us through to the lounge to pray together with some of the church members, which really calmed us down and focused our minds on the Lord.

While I was away, Adrian continued to snap photos, and he took the rest of the photos during the evening too.

Adrian and Dylan, waiting for the service to begin

And then, at 6 pm, it was time!!!

The minister welcomed everyone to the service, and then we sang three worship songs together. We all chose a song each, a song which meant a lot to us, and was particularly appropriate for our baptisms, and the first was chosen by me, 'Father God I Wonder' ...



Then 'Lord I Lift Your Name On High', chosen by Cr ...



And 'There Is A Day', chosen by Ca ...



Before the service, Ca and I were saying to each other that we were nervous about trying to get through the worship and testimonies without dissolving into tears, because we both knew it was going to be an incredibly emotional time. And she teased me, saying that because I'd cried so frequently in the Alpha and Discipleship Course meetings, that I'd be first to cry, well, after Cr's wife anyway! And that Ca would cry after me.

As it turned out, she was wrong! We all felt the tears start to flow in 'There Is A Day', just as I thought they would, because that song gets me Every. Single. Time. Every single time. I can't sing it without the tears springing to my eyes, because it's message is just so precious, when it speaks about all hurt and pain ceasing, or about how the dead will be raised, never to perish again, or about how trouble is hard, but is only momentary and is achieving our future glory. It just speaks to me. To my heart. It gives me peace and hope.

I sang the first two songs at the very top of my voice, rejoicing in the packed church, filled with church members, family and friends; and in the reason for us being there; and in God's saving Grace. And when we sang 'There Is A Day', the wave of emotion crashed over us.

I say us, because when I looked across, as the tears were springing to my eyes, Ca was already wiping away tears, and Cr had decidedly red eyes too! So actually, Ca cried before all of us :o)

Not that it mattered. At first, I tried to wipe away my tears, but they just kept flowing, and so I decided to let them flow, to concentrate on singing and worshipping God, and not to hold back anything, or try to contain my feelings. It so wasn't a night for holding back, it was for shouting to the world about our love for Jesus!

I'm so grateful that the sermon came next, because if our testimonies had been straight after the worship songs, I don't think any of us would have been able to speak. The minister, B, found it difficult enough at first, delivering his first few words in a husky voice.

And it was just the perfect sermon. Speaking to us, and to those in the congregation who were lost sheep, just as we had been. Those who had lost their way, and knew something was missing, but didn't know where to turn, or how to find their way back. As I listened to it, I just knew God was working through B, and that his words were touching hearts all around the room. I could just feel the power in his words.

And then it was time. Time for our testimonies ...

We got up from our front row seats, and walked up onto the stage, and took our seats together. We were introduced, and then it was down to us ... It was time for God to work through us.

Cr gave his testimony first, and although I'd heard bits of it before, during the Discipleship Course, it was so much more powerful on the night. He never stumbled, never lost his place, he was calm, and his words were strong. He showed the way in which the Lord has been working slowly in his life, over the past ten years, bringing him this point, where he was ready to declare his love for God. And although he was clearly emotional, he was the only one of us who got through their testimony without any tears.

He sat down to applause, and then it was Ca's turn. Her testimony was amazing; witty and interesting, and heartbreakingly honest. There were points where she was unable to speak, so intense were her emotions, and from my seat behind her, I prayed for strength for her, that she would be able to continue and to give her testimony from the heart. Her children came up onto the stage with her, and comforted her, which was beautiful, and she found the strength and determination to carry on speaking, and her testimony was amazing. God's work in her life was amazing.

She sat back down to thunderous applause, and I realised that it was now my turn. I now had to stand up before the microphone, already tearful from Ca's testimony, and try to give my own, which in my head, now sounded dull and drab and uninspiring.

I'd written notes, firstly as prompts to make sure I didn't miss out any important points from the early part of my journey, and the secondly to make sure I phrased things exactly how I wanted to when I got to the later part of my journey, bringing me up to last night. So as I stood up, I unfolded my notes, said a last quick prayer (the last of many on the subject!) that God would use my testimony to bring others to Christ, and to touch the hearts which needed to be touched, and then, again, it was time!

The first thing I did when I got up there, was to make a joke. It was unintentional, and carried on from the initial joke Ca had made that she hoped everyone could hear her, because she was taller than Cr. My joke was that I was even taller, by far, and so I hoped that everyone could hear me too ...

Giving my testimony, barefoot

And then I looked around at the sea of faces staring at me from the packed pews, and I jumped in, feet first. Not into the baptism pool, of course, although we did joke that if I slipped when I was getting into the pool, I'd end up a) baptising myself, and b) causing a mini tidal wave as I fell; but jumped feet first into my testimony.

I started off by giving my name, and saying that I was originally from South Wales, and that's where I pretty much scrapped my speech. From then on, God took over, and totally re-worded a lot of it. I don't remember 100% of my speech (although I will be able to see it on video soon, and hope to share it on here too), but I remember saying that my life started off pretty well, that I was dedicated into the baptist church, and that I very much loved attending Sunday School and was active in church and proud of it.

Then I moved on to the tough times, talking about moving to Suffolk and getting married, falling pregnant with Seren, and then said about her being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis.

And, although I had expected to become emotional and/or tearful during my testimony, I totally didn't expect it to be then. The very first time I said the words cystic fibrosis. But I did. My throat locked, the tears flooded my eyes, and I couldn't go on. I remember looking up to the ceiling, and praying for strength, for enough peace to carry on, to deliver my testimony.

And I did. With a lot of tears (and unfortunately, a lot of sniffing, which didn't sound too great echoing around the church with surround sound!), a lot of emotion, and a lot of strength from the Lord, I did it.

I spoke about the tough times we've weathered, how Adrian got me through my severe post natal depression, how unbelievably angry I was, how I let that come between me and the Lord, and how, when Seren guided us to our new church, I had to let God break down all those barriers, I had to let God help me smash down that wall of anger. And I spoke about the love I've felt from our church, the welcome they gave me, the welcome God gave me, and the way they have nurtured my newly re-awoken faith so that it didn't just blossom under their care, it absolutely exploded.

And then I totally forgot my script and just let my love for the Lord overflow. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I know it was to do with how thankful I was to be there last night, to be able to show just how much I love my God.

I can't tell you more than that, because as I said, I can't remember all that I said. I have no idea how long my testimony was, or whether I spoke anywhere near eloquently (although it would seem that it was at least intelligible!), and I know that I didn't say all that I planned to say. But what I said was exactly what God wanted me to say. And that's how I wanted it. I didn't want to just read off a piece of paper. I wanted God right in the thick of things, helping me. And He was. It was my testimony, but with a lot of help from the Lord.

Maybe I looked silly, and maybe when I see the video of my testimony I'll cringe or blush. I don't know. All I know is that my testimony was 100% real at the time, 100% heartfelt, and remembering now just how I felt, standing up there and feeling God at work, feeling God's presence so strongly ... IT WAS PERFECT. It was how it was meant to be.

I wish the 'Me of mid 2009' could see the 'Me of mid 2010', that they could meet. How very, very different they would be. Rock bottom to the top of the world in such a short time. And not because life's perfect now, because it's not. But because Jesus is back in my life, and He makes my life worth living, worth being totally alive, worth feeling with all of my heart, worth not holding back in fear of being hurt. Worth trusting, trusting in God.

And then, after I'd sat back down to my own applause, and Ca had lent me her tissue to mop up my many tears, it was time for the most important part. Our baptisms!

Cr went first, followed by Ca, and then me ...

I was helped into the pool by the lady who helps the ladies who are being baptised, and by B, and I didn't fall in, YAY! The steps were actually a lot wider than they looked through the rippling water!

The water was beautifully warm, and with every step I took down into the pool, I could feel how incredibly buoyant the water was as it rushed up the legs of my trousers. I had to push hard to get my feet down onto the steps, and when I reached the bottom of the pool and stood between B and D, the ministers, I had to work hard to keep my balance and keep my feet on the bottom of the pool!

First of all, I was given my own personal Bible verse, chosen for me by the church ...

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption. Whereby we say, "Abba Father"." Romans 8, verse 15.

Isn't it the perfect verse? I was indeed a slave to fear before I opened my heart to the Lord again in December 2009. Fear had completely dominated my life since the moment we found out, at 22 weeks pregnant, that Seren was at risk of having cystic fibrosis. But as my verse says, I'm no longer a slave to fear. And I love that it says that I received the Spirit of adoption, because the very words of the song I chose for the service, 'Father God I Wonder', says 'But now I am your child, I am adopted in your family,'. I'm now officially a member of God's Church in the World!

After receiving my verse, I stood between the ministers and confessed my faith in Jesus ...

And then, as they said that on my confession of faith, and with my consent, they baptised me in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, on the word 'Spirit', I went under. I was being baptised going forwards, so I was prepared, with my hands crossed before me, and my right hand holding my nose, and under I went.

The water hit my face and it was beautifully warm, and as I went under, I felt my feet sliding backwards as my body tried to float, and I had to work to keep my feet under me, and after some moments, I then felt B and D grip my arms and pull me back up.

They gave me a moment to right myself and clear the water from my face, and then they held me again, placing their hands on my head and baptising me with the Holy Spirit. I opened my heart to the Holy Spirit, and I felt such incredible peace wash over me.

Receiving the Holy Spirit

And then I heard B and D blessing me, and B helped me out of the pool, into the waiting arms of my friend W, who was holding my towel for me, and I was just BURSTING with joy!!! I can't describe the joy that absolutely overwhelmed me!

See my Welsh flag towel? I wore it for my parents, because they weren't able to be there, and the lovely W made sure it was the right way up as she gave it to me!

Seren and Dylan came up to hug me as well, which was a precious moment, and then B, D, Cr, Ca and myself went out to the changing rooms to get dried and dressed. It was lovely to be able to talk to Ca as we changed in the cubicles, to have someone to re-live the experience with, and Ca told me that my testimony really touched her, especially at the end when I told the church how much I love my God. I told her that that bit was totally unplanned, unscripted, off the cuff and from the heart, and she said that it was the best bit! :o)

We got changed as quickly as we could, and then we all went back into the church together as the congregation finished singing a few more worship songs, and we took our places back on the stage. D then invited members of the congregation up to pray for us, and my two lovely local friends who had come to the service came up onto the stage to pray with us, and we all just prayed together in the Spirit. It was amazing to hear the voices mingling around us as they prayed for us and for our spiritual journeys.

We then returned to our seats in the front rows of the congregation and we sang another song together ...

Shine Jesus Shine, by Graham Kendrick

To be honest, I don't even remember singing this song, I just remember standing there and worshipping God. And I remember sitting down again to listen to the minister speaking, again giving his message of welcome to those who may be lost, and inviting people to join him on the next Alpha Course. At this point, I had Dylan snuggled up to me, and W's youngest son sitting on my lap, snuggled up to me, and life was perfect. We stood up again for the benediction, and then that was it! The service was over!

As soon as the service was finished, I was surrounded by people coming up to me and hugging me and congratulating me and telling me how much they had loved my testimony, and saying how my words had touched them. :o) I have no idea how many pairs of arms hugged me, but it was a lot. My friends, my family, the congregation, the ministers, and the family and friends of my fellow 'new faithfuls'. :o)

We stayed in the church for quite a while, hugging and talking and hearing people's stories of their own baptisms and journeys; and, incredibly excitingly, Ja, one of the people I did the Alpha Course with, came over to me and said that she had felt led to invite me to join her House Group! And of course, I immediately said yes!!!

I know a few people in her House Group already, B, who baptised me, his wife Ji, and Ja, who invited me. I've already been to her house for a barbecue, and I'd heard how fantastic their House Group is, and longed to join it, so to be invited was wonderful!

Then I quickly dashed to grab my wet things so that Adrian could put them in the car, rounded up the incredibly over-excited (and in Dylan's case, over-stimulated and sensory-overloaded) children, and made our way through to the hall for tea and cakes.

And the ladies of the church gave me this beautiful bouquet of flowers ...



The party time in the hall passed in a blur, as I was ever so hot, and ever so thirsty, and I talked to so very many people, and I was trying to juggle my bouquet of flowers, my cup of coffee, and one of the delicious gluten free cupcakes which the lovely Ca had made.

We mingled for a while, while trying to keep one over-tired and tearful eight year old who tipped a cup of tea all down herself happy, and trying to keep one over-stimulated and overwhelmed nearly six year old under control, and then we admitted defeat, and Adrian took the kids back to the car to rest while I finished talking to everyone.

So many people came up to me and told me how much they had loved hearing my testimony, and one lady told me that she was really touched by it, and confided about her own faith-related struggles, and how she was aching to feel God in her life the way I did. I wish now, looking back, I'd told her about how I felt a year ago, but then, of course, she heard in my testimony about how far from God I was a relatively short time ago.

I also spoke to my local friends, who were also both touched by my testimony, and felt God calling to them. One friend went home with a copy of the Holy Bible, which the church gladly gave to her, and both friends, along with the woman I mentioned above, have said that they would like to take part in the next Alpha Course! HOW fantastic is that??? I am so very, very happy for them! I will be praying for them, and for their journeys, and it would be great if any readers could pray for them too.

And then it was time to bid the last few people in the hall goodbye, and to make my way out to the car. When we got home, I did the childrens' treatments, and once they were in bed, and Adrian had gone out for a run (he's still working hard at his training for the Fylde Coast Marathon in February 2011), W and I sat down in the relative peace and quiet, to let the events of the evening sink in a little.

I phoned my mother, and spoke to her to let her know all that had happened during the evening, and then I opened the cards and gifts people had given me ...

My cards



And my gifts: 3 Max Lucado books in 1 volume, from W; 'Walking With God In Quiet Places' from my parents; the 'Cross in my Pocket' from my parents on behalf of my grandparents; and from one of my local friends, the book of Joy, and some very pretty cross earrings with rainbows painted on them!

It was such an incredible evening.

Looking back, if I didn't have the photos, I don't know if it would feel real. Even looking at the photos, it seems almost dream-like. I think because it was such an emotional and spiritual experience, rather than a physical experience, seeing the physical evidence of it is rather weird! Because I don't remember a lot physically.

I remember tears streaming down my face as I sang and worshipped. I remember seeing faces in the crowd as I looked around the church as I gave my testimony. I remember staring at the ceiling and praying for strength. I remember the warmth of the baptism pool. I remember the strength of B and D's hands as they placed them on my back, and on my head. I remember feeling W's hug as I left the pool. I remember the roughness of my Wales flag towel around my shoulders.

But mostly I remember feelings. Such strong feelings that I don't have words for them. I don't know words for what most of them were, I just focused on God and experienced the feelings as they came.

But I know I will remember the experience for the rest of my life.

It was the best day of my life, the day Jesus saved me.

Thank you Lord!!!

I Am A New Creation, No More In Condemnation, Here In The Grace of God I Stand

I DID IT!!!

And it was truly the best experience of my entire life.

It was perfect. The only way it could have been more perfect is if my parents could have been there to share in it.



More soon!

God bless!

The title of my blog post comes from the lyrics from the song 'I Am A New Creation' by Dave Bilgrough

Catching Up Before the Big Day

Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY big day. It's the day I get SAVED! :oD Saved by God's Grace!

The past couple of months have been so jam-packed, what with the Eastern Baptist Association's Annual Assembly in Romford, which I attended with my friend, my reading 'Cover to Cover: Reading the Bible in 365 Days', and me completing my Discipleship Course on Thursday! And of course, there have also been lots of happenings in my daily life, with Seren and Adrian's birthday, the kids' Sports Days, completing Seren's DLA re-application, having house guests twice in a month (the second of which arrive tomorrow, and I really should be cleaning now!) and the kids' Annual Reviews at the hospital.

Everything has been happening at once, and although things should calm down by the middle of next week, I wanted to take the time today to catch up before tomorrow's life-changing event.

So ... first is my going to the Eastern Baptist Association's Annual Assembly on 12th June. I travelled down to the Romford area the night before, and stayed with my friend W, and then went with her to her church, Romford Baptist. It was a fantastic day, and I was made to feel very welcome to W and the members of her church.

First of all, we had a time of worship, and then the EBA held their AGM, followed by the first of the two seminars for the day. I'd put myself down for 'Living the Life as a Disciple of Christ', and it was fantastic! It was delivered by Jonathan Edwards, the Secretary General of the Baptist Union of Great Britain, and it was uplifting, inspiring and challenging. It focused on Luke Chapter 9, verses 57 to 62, and he showed us that being a true disciple of Christ involves living the life 24/7, not just on a Sunday morning at church.

He also said that the best ways to become a better disciple, and to encourage others to become better disciples were: 1) Encouraging the core disciplines of prayer, reading the Bible and attending church, in order to strengthen your faith, and that tithing is also a blessing, as it reminds us that everything belongs to the Lord, and everything comes from the Lord.

2) Encouraging church activities, and using the concept of 'This Time Tomorrow', where you ask a church member on a Sunday what they'll be doing this time tomorrow, and you pray together about it, bringing church into daily life. He also said that church shouldn't be in a bubble, that we should worship through the week as well.

3) Encouraging service, by encouraging the youth of the church to attend groups such as Junior Christian Endeavour, and getting young people to take a bigger part in services with responsibilities and trust.

4) By monitoring and mentoring ministers, so that they can constantly strengthen themselves and have someone to talk issues over with.

After the seminar, we had a lunch break, and I had a chance to ask at the book stall about whether they could recommend a book for me to help me when reading the Bible. At this point, I had read the first 5 books of the Bible, and then, as recommended by the Alpha Course leaders, I moved on to the New Testament and read that, but struggled with understanding some parts, particularly the book of Revelation. So I wanted a book which could help me get the right meaning from what I was reading, and apply what I was learning to my own life, and so they recommended this:



So I took their advice and bought it!

After lunch, we had the second of our two seminars, which was 'Living the Life Through Personal Spirituality'. This was delivered by David Adams from Witard Road Baptist Church, and it was another amazing seminar.

David told us that over the years, he has travelled the globe and experienced a vast number of different types of spiritual worship, ranging from Catholic to Charismatic! He spoke about his experiences of many different types of worship, which was fascinating, and he taught that no matter how we choose to worship, as long as we allow God to invade us, and our worship is totally focused on God, they are all equally valid before God. We need to remember that worshipping God isn't meant to be about what we're getting out of it, but about what we're giving to God at the time. That really spoke to me!

He concluded by saying "Worship cannot and must not be confined to any specific liturgy or format and particularly to any past, present, or indeed future musical style. The awareness of God’s presence is determined more by a real honesty in each persons heart that is not specifically focused or bound by what is being said or sung. To focus on the hymn or song is not to fully engage with God and in that sense it fails unless we are lifted above it to connect with God out of the reality of our own expressions of who He is. This is beyond a feeling, mood orientated, over-emotional response to a beautiful song or a stirring hymn which I would suggest can keep us earth bound rather than heaven aware."

And "God made us with individual tastes and set us in communities or cultures with their own characteristics. Reflecting on my experiences I observe that some Christians appeared stuck or bored in a ‘worship rut’. It certainly was the case that for a good number, they were caught in a worship style that did not fit the way God had uniquely made them. None of the styles is better or more acceptable to God. The only condition is the deep sincerity and obedience of the heart."

And "There can be no true experience of worship unless it flows from a lifestyle of worship seen through obedience. The common factor that draws together those experiences where worshippers have been aware of the awesome presence of God, is that for the majority it has been the continuation of a daily lifestyle of surrender and obedience to God. The concept of ‘going to worship’ defined as a place and time, was not the reality. The reality was a daily commitment to walk God’s way which joyfully brought you to opportunities, sometimes with other believers where you could freely express, in a way natural to yourself, the overflow of love, joy, and thankfulness that you felt in your heart. This is ‘worship in the spirit’, when your spirit is responding to God’s Spirit."

He closed the seminar by quoting Matt Redman's classic worship song:

‘Heart of Worship’

I’ll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart.

We then went back into the main church for another fantastic worship session, which rounded the day off beautifully. I went home that day feeling incredibly inspired and uplifted, and eager to learn more about the Lord, and to continue my journey back into His fold!

Shortly after I got back, I started reading my 'Cover to Cover' book, along with the relevant parts of the Bible, and I'm loving it. I'm on Day 39 at the moment, and I just love my Bible Study time each day. The book is brilliant, giving me the verses to read each day, and taking me through the Bible chronologically, and splitting it up into more easily digestable chunks, and, the best bit of all for me, at the end of each day, there is something to think about, a way of making what I've read that day applicable to me, and a Bible verse for contemplation.

I just love that it makes God's Word so very relevant to me and my daily life and my situation, and I am loving reading the Bible in this way. I've found that the little Bible stories I already knew off by heart, like how God made the world, or the story of Joseph, the ones I could tell you without having to read them, they're suddenly fresh and new, and applicable in my life. I think that by learning them as a child, they'd become relevant only to my childhood, but through my 'Cover to Cover' book, I'm seeing how they are just as relevant to me now, as well.

I've also now completed my Discipleship Course. I was so glad that it happened so soon after the Alpha Course, because I so very much missed seeing all the friends I made on the course, and it was so good to be back with them again! I feel so very close to them all, because they know so very much about me, and they have supported me through some tough times and strong emotions lately, and they are just such good, good people.

I am so glad that four of us will be getting Baptised together tomorrow! We've come so far, and certainly I have changed so much, and I am just so unbelievably chuffed to be sharing this incredibly special day with them!

So our Discipleship Course was split into four sections, firstly, Foundation in Faith, in which we learned about what Grace truly means, and about how we are in no way saved by anything we do, and could not possibly be saved by anything we do ourselves, but only by God's Grace, which we receive through Faith in Lord Jesus.

Week Two was a Foundation in Baptism, in which we learned, through Bible texts about the spiritual cleansing of full immersion Baptism; about it being a covenant, the new symbol for Christians (with circumcision being the old covenant in the Old Testament); about it being a conversion, being born again and having a new start in life; about it being a new commitment, committing ourselves to the Lord; and about the commission to be Baptised, for Christ's disciples to go out and baptise people.

Week Three focused on a Foundation in the Church, learning about how when we are baptised, we will instantly become members of the worldwide Church of God, and that we will then be able to apply for membership in our local church. We also learned about the responsibilities of being a member of our local church, which we have to consider before we decide whether to apply for membership. Personally, I can't wait to apply, and to take on those responsibilities and do my bit for the church which has literally saved my life!

And then on Thursday, for Week Four, we focused on the practicalities of Baptism, on the order of service, the worship songs we wanted to sing, the order we get Baptised in, and even things like what we should wear, and what time we should arrive on the day.

And of course, at each meeting, we shared in a wonderful meal, fantastic fellowship, and we would always stand and hold hands to pray and worship together at the end of the evening, which is an incredibly special time. Sometimes we pray one at a time, sometimes we all pray at once, lifting our voices to the Lord together, and sometimes we sing spontaneous verses of worship songs. Officially it's called Praying in the Spirit, and our minister is thinking of having us pray in this way after our baptisms tomorrow night, so that the whole congregation can share in our prayers!

And so, pretty much, in a nutshell, that brings us up to today! I've been busy working on my Testimony, and although it's probably slightly too long at the moment, I've been praying that God will help me when I'm delivering my Testimony tomorrow night, and that I'll only say those bits which will bring the most glory to Him, and that He will use my words to bring more people to Christ.

I've also pretty much decided on what I'm wearing, (most importantly, a swim suit underneath my clothes, as recommended by the lady who helps the ladies with their baptisms!), I've seen the changing rooms we'll use afterwards, the order of service is pretty much set, and I've invited several friends to the service as well, to share in our day.

Sadly, my Dad is still too early in his post-high dose chemo recovery process for my parents to travel to see me get Baptised, and my Uncle and Aunt can't make it either; but Adrian and the children will be there, as will my friend W and her children, two of my lovely local friends, and hopefully, two ladies from my Slimming World class who have become friends over the past three years. I've also invited my mother-in-law, and I hope she will attend.

I've been feeling so nervous about it for a while now, but now, the night before my baptism, I'm just excited!!! I can't wait to worship the Lord in church in the morning, come home and welcome W and her children into our home, and then go back to church in the evening, see my three Alpha friends get baptised, and then get baptised myself! I can't wait!

Oooh, I just thought ...

Once I am SAVED tomorrow night, once I get baptised, I will well and truly be back in Jesus' fold! I may have to re-name this blog! :oD

Love in Christ!

Ending and Beginning

Alpha Course has now finished. We had the last session on 27th May, but it wasn't a sad experience. We had an absolutely fantastic meal, and we laughed so, so much, especially when I asked if we could take a group photo, which involved lots of huddling together and diving about to beat the timer on my camera.

We also focused on what happens next, and watched the DVD of Nicky Gumbel talking about how to carry on our lives as Christians.

Three of our group (including myself) are very interested in being baptised, and so for us, the next thing will be a Discipleship Course which will end with the three of us being baptised. The Reverend is hoping that we might be able to be baptised together on the day of the Church anniversary, 11th July.

I am very much looking forward to the course and to being baptised at last, and becoming an official member of the Church I love, but I'm not sure how I feel about it being on 11th July. I know it's a fantastic day to be baptised on, the Church anniversary, but ... it's also my daughter's 8th birthday the same day.

So for this reason, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking I might rather be baptised another day ...

Firstly, I don't want to take the focus away from my daughter on her big day. She only gets one birthday a year, and this past year has had plenty of rough moments for her, so it's even more important to make her special day all about her.

Secondly, I want to be able to focus solely on my baptism on the day I get baptised. I don't want to be rushing about wrapping presents, taking photos, stressing about birthday party plans, and devoting my day to making Seren's day special. Don't get me wrong, I want to do all those things on Seren's birthday, for sure, because I LOVE celebrating the kids' birthdays and making them as special as I possibly can ... but not on the day I get baptised.

I want to be able to focus on my relationship with Jesus on that day, and I just don't think I'll be able to do that properly on Seren's birthday. I want my baptism to be the most important part of that day, because being baptised, being washed clean of my sins, and being baptised in water and in the Holy Spirit is life-changing. I don't want it to be squeezed into a day that's already madly busy, when I wouldn't be able to focus on Jesus properly.

And thirdly, the couple who host the Alpha Course want to throw the three of us a baptism barbecue/party at their house, which I presume would take place on the day we get baptised. If I get baptised on Seren's birthday, then I very much doubt we'd be able to attend, as the day is going to be pretty full already, and I don't want to miss that chance to share that time with my Christian friends.

We are having an Alpha Course reunion at a couple of the course members' house on Thursday, when we will finish talking about what will happen next, the next steps on our Christian journeys, and so we can talk more about it then.

And this is shaping up to be a very Jesus-focused weekend! I have the Alpha Course reunion on Thursday, and then, I just found out last night that I can attend a Christian event in Essex on Saturday! And then of course, I have Church on Sunday morning!

And, in keeping with the title of this post, something else in my life has ended recently too. The folk band I was singing and playing with. I won't go into details, but although it's sad that it's ended, and there are a lot of emotions to work through, it's turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because it's something that hadn't felt right for a while, and it had been weighing heavy on my mind.

And now it's done, I can focus on what's important. My journey with God, my precious family, fundraising and awareness-raising for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust, and helping out with the local branch of the National Autistic Society.

I wanted to close this with a couple of bible verses which have really helped me lately. They have given me encouragement when I've been feeling low, and courage when I felt I had none.

"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers in your speech, your conduct, your love, faith and purity." 1 Timothy 4 v 12.

"Don't be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go." Joshua 1 v 9.

There Is A Day ...

I sang this TOTALLY UPLIFTING song at Church today ...


There Is A Day, by Phatfish

Here are the lyrics:

There is a day
That all creation's waiting for,
A day of freedom and liberation for the earth.
And on that day
The Lord will come to meet His bride,
And when we see Him
In an instant we'll be changed

The trumpet sounds
And the dead will then be raised
By His power,
Never to perish again.
Once only flesh,
Now clothed with immortality,
Death has now been
Swallowed up in victory

We will meet Him in the air
And then we will be like Him
For we will see Him, as He is
Oh yeah!
Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'lll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

So lift your eyes
To the things as yet unseen,
That will remain now
For all eternity.
Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's acheiving
Our future glory.

There were certain parts of that absolutely beautiful song which really spoke to me this week, namely:

Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'lll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live

and

Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's acheiving
Our future glory.

What a fantastic message.

I can't wait for the day when all the people in the world who are hurting or suffering, their pain will cease, and we will all go to live with Him. How perfect that will be! And what a hope to get us through our dark days!

And in the vastness of eternity, our entire lives on earth are only momentary, so when you look at it like that, our troubles may be hard, but yes, they are momentary compared to Heaven's glory.

I hope you are having a blessed Sunday.

God bless. xx

Breathing In Peace

This weekend has been tough.

Seren is still unwell, and didn't have a great report at clinic on Friday, which I've blogged about in my other blog.

I spent a lot of Sunday crying in quiet moments, trying to keep the peace when Adrian got stressed, or trying to comfort Seren while keeping my own positivity. It didn't go well. So when I went to church last night, I was desperate for some comfort, some strength and some healing.

We had planned on going to the morning service, but Seren had had another bad night, and was exhausted first thing Sunday morning, and so we decided not to go to church, and I planned to go in the evening instead. And now I'm so glad I did, because it was exactly the right service for me, just what I needed.

It wasn't a typical service with a long-ish, educational sermon, and I ended up sitting next to the lady who runs the Alpha Course with her husband, so I had a hug before the service started, which helped! We sang some worship songs, prayed lots of prayers, and read from Ephesians, which I've also been reading at home this week.

After we had listened to the reading, the man who co-led the service asked us to meditate for a while on Ephesians chapter 1, verse 2:

"Grace to you and peace from of God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ."

He had us close our eyes, and raise up our hands to receive grace and peace from the Lord while praying; and then turn our hands over, so that we were letting go of whatever we needed to. Letting go of sin, or of bad thoughts, or of worry, of anxiety, whatever was distracting us from God.

I had been praying for help, support and healing for the whole first part of the service, and when the man stood up and talked us through letting go and receiving peace, it was exactly what I needed. The tears flowed, and I felt myself calming as I tried to let the many, many worries over Seren go, put them in Jesus' hands, lay my burdens on His shoulders, and receive His peace.

We then sang a few more songs and heard some more readings, before the man got up again and spoke about hearing God's message for us. He suggested that we sit silently in prayer and meditation, and wait to hear God's message for us individually.

Soothing music started to play, and I sat still, eyes closed, mind focused on God, hands open in a receiving gesture, and ... I heard my words.

For the first time ever.

I had been praying so hard all week for healing for Seren, for mental and emotional strength for Seren, and for her nausea to be taken away. At Alpha Course on Thursday, when they heard how much Seren has been suffering, they switched from focusing on Week 11 of the study (without going to look it up right now, I believe it was supposed to be about telling others about God) to focusing on Week 12 instead, God healing people in the world today.

And we all stood in a circle and joined hands, all the Alpha members and leaders, and prayed hard for healing and strength for Seren, for myself and for our family. The Reverend who leads the course laid his hand on my head and prayed for us.

But when I got home on Thursday night, Seren was just as bad, and then we had that clinic review the following day, which said her weight was low, her lung function had dropped, her bowel was blocked, and her reflux was still a problem.

But I didn't lose faith, like I would have in the past. I just prayed harder. And I let the couple who run the Alpha Course know, and they were praying harder too.

And, as I said, I'd been praying all the time at church that night for healing for Seren.

And when I got my words, they weren't quite what I wanted.

"Not yet."

I heard them clearly in my head. Then a few seconds later, I got another word.

"Peace."

At first, I wondered whether I'd put the words in my head. Maybe I wanted to hear something, anything, and those were the first words I'd put into my head. So I tried to forget them, push them aside, wait for the real words.

But they came back, stronger than before.

"Not yet. Peace."

I pushed them out again. Cleared my mind.

But they came back even stronger, appearing visually in my head, giant words, lit up with neon like something out of Las Vegas, with bright flashing lights around them.

"NOT YET!"

"NOT YET!!"

"NOT YET!!!"

At that point, I had to accept that those were my words from God. Not yet.

And when I accepted them, the other word came again.

"Peace."

When I accepted that one, another thought came into my mind. A concept this time. The concept of keeping sitting still, with my hands open to receive, breathing in God's peace, and breathing out my worries. Breathing in God's strength, and breathing out my fears.

And so I did.

The soothing piano and violin music played, I held out my hands, and I breathed. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry.

And when the music finished, I did feel better. I did feel able to praise God in His house.

After the service, lots of people came over to ask how Seren was doing, especially people from the Sunday School, who had missed seeing her the past few weeks, and they were so kind, so caring, so empathetic, they had me in tears again with their concern for Seren, and it was so hard to tell them how difficult these few weeks have been for her, how demoralised and knocked down she is by it all.

When everyone else had left the church, I was still sitting talking to the Sunday School leader, discussing Seren and telling her about my words from God, and together we prayed for Seren, that she will get strength and peace, that her increasingly wet cough won't turn into a chest infection (she hasn't got the strength to fight a chest infection as well at the moment), and that the doctors will be able to fix this nausea.

I got through most of a packet of tissues while I was in church last night, but I came out feeling supported, loved, and more at peace than when I arrived.

And then I got back into the car, and Seren had had another tough evening, and right at the time when the Sunday School leader and I were praying for her, she was having a meltdown in the car and saying how she couldn't cope with feeling sick any more.

We talked about my experiences in church as we drove home, and as I started to try and interpret my message better, I said that maybe "Not yet" means that we have to wait until Seren starts this new medication, Domperidone, on Friday (if she's still feeling bad by then, which I'm thinking she will be), then God will use the doctors and the medications to heal her. And that until then, we have to focus on His peace.

Seren took some comfort from that, and last night, as she did the night before, she took my wooden holding cross to bed with her, and she managed to sleep in her own room last night again. She fell asleep on the computer room settee, listening to panpipe music, because when she's feeling ill, she can't stand to be alone, but she coped with being in her room for the night after that.

Today is another tough day for her, and she has chosen to stay home from school because of feeling unwell, so we're focusing on God's peace again, while trying to do all we can for her.

If you could, please pray for Seren, for her mental and emotional health as well as her physical health; and if you could pray for Adrian and I, that we will support her in the best ways we can, with wisdom to know how to deal with each situation as it arises, with empathy and with calm.

Thank you.

Alpha Course - Holy Spirit Day

After a two week break, we had two Alpha Course sessions in three days this week!

We had our normal Thursday session, which focused on why and how we should read the Bible, which was very educational. When we were watching the DVD of Nicky Gumbel's lesson, he spoke about a deeply personal issue he prayed about.

For the privacy of the person involved, I won't say who makes his words especially relevant to me at this time, but lets just say that there's been someone close to me that I've been praying for recently, because they are going through an incredibly tough time, and they aren't sure of their beliefs at all. And I'm worried about them, and what will happen to them if they pass away without coming to know Jesus.

This was something I'd never spoken aloud about, but it was something I've been worrying a lot about, especially this week, and something I've been praying silently about, not even with words most of the time, just thoughts and feelings.

And so when Nicky Gumbel spoke about losing his father before his father had come to know Jesus, and worrying about whether his father was with God, I was very shocked. It was just such an incredibly appropriate message for me. And Nicky Gumbel got his answer too. When he was reading the Bible, he found Acts 2, verse 21: "And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

And at the same time, his wife, Pippa, said to him that she had been reading her Bible, and had found a message for Nicky about his father in Romans 10, verse 13: "For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

And when he saw this message twice more in quick succession (one of which I believe was on a large sign outside a church), he acknowledged and accepted his message from God, that his father had called on the name of the Lord, and had been saved. :o)

Nicky sharing his story was a great great comfort to me this week.

Thank you Jesus!

And then today, well, yesterday technically, but Saturday 17th April, anyway ...

First of all, I want to just say that this past week has pretty much been all about prayer. The hymn What a Friend We Have in Jesus has been on my mind all week, repeating in my head, and it has reminded me to keep praying, to leave all my worries in Jesus' hands.

The lines of the hymn which particularly spoke to me were:

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

And

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

I think those words have been in my head as a message, to remind me to keep praying, to keep relying on Jesus during this week.

And why is this week so scary? Because this week is a big, big week for my Dad. He was admitted to hospital on 6th April, and he started his high-dose BEAM chemotherapy on 8th April.

By Sunday 11th April, he wasn't doing very well. His temperature had shot up to 39degC, and he had severe vomiting and diarrhoea. He was started on intravenous antibiotics, and anti-emetics to try and stop the vomiting, but even now, a week later, he is very nauseous and can't speak on the phone for more than a few minutes before he's completely exhausted and fighting not to vomit.

And today, when I spoke to him during the Alpha Course lunchbreak, he told me that tonight, they were going to fit a nasogastric tube into him, because although he's not vomiting as often now, he's still barely eaten anything over the past week.

I knew that this chemo was going to hit him hard, worse than any of the others ever have, and I know that now he's had his stem cell transplant, he is incredibly vulnerable and his health is very fragile. But I also know that this is all being done for a good reason, because they are hoping that this last, ginormous mountain of treatment will either put Dad into remission for a long time, or completely cure his cancer. Something that we could barely even hope for a year ago. And so I am very grateful that he has been given this opportunity.

But it doesn't stop me worrying. Both the chemo and the stem cell transplant are so very risky, with so many awful side effects, and it's so hard to know Dad is suffering so much right now. And so I have been praying, praying, praying, praying, and praying some more. Sunday I spent most of the day just praying over and over. And the function of praying, by being able to ask for help for my Dad, and for my Mum, was a huge comfort. Feeling as if I was doing something to help, even though I'm 300 miles away from them right now.

And it wasn't just me praying. I texted my Christian friends, and put a request on my Facebook status, asking people to pray, and so my Dad was lifted up in prayer by more than just me. And it got my Dad, my Mum and me through the day. And through all the days since then.

And what with praying, and with reading my Bible every night, and going to two Alpha Course sessions, Jesus has felt very close this week. I was especially comforted when I read this verse in John 14, verse 14: "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." Just another reminder for me to keep praying!

And today seemed to be the culmination of this week of being closer to Jesus than ever before.

Holy Spirit Day

Because this was a day-long session, we spent it at the house of another family from our church, where they had two function rooms set out for us, and a beautiful garden for us to sit in for a lot of the gloriously sunny day.

Adrian and the kids dropped me off at the house for 10 am, and we all got together for a coffee first, myself and my fellow course-members, our usual hosts for our Thursday evening sessions, and the Reverend, who is our course leader. I'd brought all my worship songs CDs with me (my own 'Songs 4 Worship' double CD, and the double CD of worship songs I've been sent (The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!), and two new CDs of worship songs (You Are My Passion, and Heart of the Father) that I was sent recently, which I only opened on Friday afternoon!

After our coffee in the downstairs function room which was like our dining room, we went up to the other function room, which was like our school room for the day. We had three sections of our Alpha Course handbook to get through, the first of which was 'Who Is The Holy Spirit?'

Through reading the Bible, and singing some worship songs, we were able to learn that the Holy Spirit was involved in creation, and then came upon particular people (such as Gideon, Samson, Bezalel and Isaiah) at particular times, for particular tasks (such as leadership, strength, artistic work and prophecy). We also learned that He was promised by the Father, and was linked with Jesus through John the Baptist. And we also learned that Jesus predicted His presence, and that at Pentecost, all the disciples were filled with the Spirit; and that God has promised to give His Spirit to every Christian.

We then went downstairs for a short break, and we all stood outside in the warm, sunny garden and chatted, and then it was decided that we'd hold the next part of our day in the garden, which was a fantastic idea! To sit in the wonders of God's creation as we focused on Him was such a gift.

The second part of the day focused on 'What Does The Holy Spirit Do?' and we sang some more fabulous worship songs, right there in the garden, just the eight of us, before sitting down with our Bibles again and learning about the Spirit.

We broke for lunch shortly afterwards, and had a delicious meal together. I was spoilt with some yummy wheat-free biscuits, a vegetarian wheat-free bean chilli and jacket potato, and then fruit salad with cream. After lunch we had a small amount of free time, and so I took the opportunity to phone my Dad and see how he was doing. It was then that I found out about the ng tube feeding they had planned for tonight, and I knew that he really wasn't happy about it. So when I got off the phone, I spent some more time in prayer for him. He asked me not to phone him again today (he gets exhausted when he talks on the phone, and is at his worst in the evenings), so I don't know how that went, but I'll find out tomorrow.

When we started our session again after lunch, we sat out in the garden again, and learned about what happens after someone has been filled with the Holy Spirit, and the different fruits and gifts given by the Holy Spirit. We read from the Bible again, and at one point, split up into two small groups to further discuss the gifts of the Holy Spirit, in order to better understand them.

When it was time to move on to the third session of the day, 'How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit', after a quick coffee break, we moved back upstairs to the 'school room'. We kicked off the session with some worship songs, and I chose 'Shout to the Lord', by Darlene Zschech, which we all sang together, and then we listened to C and F's choice, 'Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord' by Paul Baloche, and F shared a prayer for us, and for the world.

We learned more about how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, by belief and by asking to be filled, and the Reverend and one of the Alpha hosts shared about when they were filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time. We also had to think about which of the ways of being filled (the Bible describes it in various ways, being breathed on, the laying on of hands, becoming 'drunk' with the spirit like drinking it in, etc) and think of which way best spoke to us.

And at the time, the one which spoke to me most was being 'breathed on'. I think at the time, it was because when the Reverend demonstrated a breath, the expression on his face stirred something in me. But now, looking back, it seems odd that as the parent of two children with lung conditions, I chose the one which involved breathing. That literally has only just occurred to me as I'm typing.

Then we all stood up to pray together, and the Reverend suggested that we pray with our hands in a receiving gesture. So we all stood there, with our hands folded and cupped in front of us, eyes closed, and ... well, it's hard to describe it really, but I felt ... sort of switched on. Aware. But not aware of the room, or particularly of the other people in it, but of myself. Not of my body, but of ... me. The inner me. And of God.

The words don't really describe the feeling, and I'm sure I'm not explaining it properly, but ... wow.

I just felt incredibly focused.

At first, the Reverend prayed and we listened and agreed silently, then the Alpha host, B, prayed, and again, we listened, and then they played some worship songs while we prayed silently ourselves. And that's when I really focused.

Music just does something to me. As I said a little later on, to my fellow course members, music is my key to God. It switches me on, and speaks to me in a way that words alone can't always do. It speaks directly to my heart and moves me so strongly that it takes my breath away and often brings me to tears. That song that I chose today, 'Shout to the Lord' by Darlene Zschech, I was playing it in the car after church a few weeks ago, and I ended up crying as we drove home, because the words just spoke to me so strongly.

And so when they started playing the worship songs during our time of prayer, my focus was so much sharper. I was praying so hard, praying to Jesus, asking Him to fill me with His Spirit, to show me the way, to lead me as a Christian, and to help me to be a good Christian, and all of a sudden, as I heard the Reverend starting to move around our circle and pray in front of each person, individually, my head got away from me and took over it's own prayer, sort of unconsciously, and I started praying 'I love you Jesus! I love you Jesus! You ARE my Lord!' in my head, faster and faster, until I had to stop and take a breath before I floated away. I felt as if my upper body was stretched, standing taller, more alive.

Tears started pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. It wasn't like when words, prayers, sermons or songs have affected me before over the past few months, where I've quickly stopped what I'm doing, 'broken the connection' and hidden my tears, I knew these were good tears, and that no-one in the room would mind me crying them, and so I let them flow. I can feel them in my eyes again now as I'm typing.

I listened as the Reverend prayed with the people next to me, their own individual prayers just for them, talking about them, the challenges they've overcome and their strengths and weaknesses, and hearing their prayers affected me so strongly. Everyone had their own unique prayer, and the words were so perfect. So perfect.

When it got to my turn, I was already feeling so ... I was going to say overwhelmed, but I wasn't overwhelmed, I was ... full? Full up? Full to the brim? I don't know, I can't describe it, but when it was my turn to be prayed for, I was a little scared/nervous about how I would feel, because I was already experiencing such strong emotions.

And my prayer was perfect for me too. He prayed for my family's health, for my friends, and for my own health, and prayed that my family, which seems to have had more than it's fair share of health problems, would be helped and strengthened. And he prayed for me and my journey.

And the tears flowed yet again. But again, it was okay. More than okay.

After a pause to allow everyone to ... reflect? Calm down? I don't know, but anyway, after a short while, we joined hands and prayed again together, for ourselves and each other, before we closed the session for the day, and I finally hunted out some tissues from my handbag.

We came out of the house into the beautiful sunshine again, and each of us agreed that we all felt different. We were all changed this afternoon in some way. And we felt closer as a group. I couldn't feel any of the usual awkwardness or embarrassment I usually feel, and I feel bonded to our group of what used to be total strangers until February, and semi-strangers until today.

And I do feel different still. I feel lighter inside. I feel closer to God. And I am in no doubt that God does exist, and that He loves me.

Thank you Jesus!

And I can't wait for church in the morning!