Breathing In Peace

This weekend has been tough.

Seren is still unwell, and didn't have a great report at clinic on Friday, which I've blogged about in my other blog.

I spent a lot of Sunday crying in quiet moments, trying to keep the peace when Adrian got stressed, or trying to comfort Seren while keeping my own positivity. It didn't go well. So when I went to church last night, I was desperate for some comfort, some strength and some healing.

We had planned on going to the morning service, but Seren had had another bad night, and was exhausted first thing Sunday morning, and so we decided not to go to church, and I planned to go in the evening instead. And now I'm so glad I did, because it was exactly the right service for me, just what I needed.

It wasn't a typical service with a long-ish, educational sermon, and I ended up sitting next to the lady who runs the Alpha Course with her husband, so I had a hug before the service started, which helped! We sang some worship songs, prayed lots of prayers, and read from Ephesians, which I've also been reading at home this week.

After we had listened to the reading, the man who co-led the service asked us to meditate for a while on Ephesians chapter 1, verse 2:

"Grace to you and peace from of God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ."

He had us close our eyes, and raise up our hands to receive grace and peace from the Lord while praying; and then turn our hands over, so that we were letting go of whatever we needed to. Letting go of sin, or of bad thoughts, or of worry, of anxiety, whatever was distracting us from God.

I had been praying for help, support and healing for the whole first part of the service, and when the man stood up and talked us through letting go and receiving peace, it was exactly what I needed. The tears flowed, and I felt myself calming as I tried to let the many, many worries over Seren go, put them in Jesus' hands, lay my burdens on His shoulders, and receive His peace.

We then sang a few more songs and heard some more readings, before the man got up again and spoke about hearing God's message for us. He suggested that we sit silently in prayer and meditation, and wait to hear God's message for us individually.

Soothing music started to play, and I sat still, eyes closed, mind focused on God, hands open in a receiving gesture, and ... I heard my words.

For the first time ever.

I had been praying so hard all week for healing for Seren, for mental and emotional strength for Seren, and for her nausea to be taken away. At Alpha Course on Thursday, when they heard how much Seren has been suffering, they switched from focusing on Week 11 of the study (without going to look it up right now, I believe it was supposed to be about telling others about God) to focusing on Week 12 instead, God healing people in the world today.

And we all stood in a circle and joined hands, all the Alpha members and leaders, and prayed hard for healing and strength for Seren, for myself and for our family. The Reverend who leads the course laid his hand on my head and prayed for us.

But when I got home on Thursday night, Seren was just as bad, and then we had that clinic review the following day, which said her weight was low, her lung function had dropped, her bowel was blocked, and her reflux was still a problem.

But I didn't lose faith, like I would have in the past. I just prayed harder. And I let the couple who run the Alpha Course know, and they were praying harder too.

And, as I said, I'd been praying all the time at church that night for healing for Seren.

And when I got my words, they weren't quite what I wanted.

"Not yet."

I heard them clearly in my head. Then a few seconds later, I got another word.

"Peace."

At first, I wondered whether I'd put the words in my head. Maybe I wanted to hear something, anything, and those were the first words I'd put into my head. So I tried to forget them, push them aside, wait for the real words.

But they came back, stronger than before.

"Not yet. Peace."

I pushed them out again. Cleared my mind.

But they came back even stronger, appearing visually in my head, giant words, lit up with neon like something out of Las Vegas, with bright flashing lights around them.

"NOT YET!"

"NOT YET!!"

"NOT YET!!!"

At that point, I had to accept that those were my words from God. Not yet.

And when I accepted them, the other word came again.

"Peace."

When I accepted that one, another thought came into my mind. A concept this time. The concept of keeping sitting still, with my hands open to receive, breathing in God's peace, and breathing out my worries. Breathing in God's strength, and breathing out my fears.

And so I did.

The soothing piano and violin music played, I held out my hands, and I breathed. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry.

And when the music finished, I did feel better. I did feel able to praise God in His house.

After the service, lots of people came over to ask how Seren was doing, especially people from the Sunday School, who had missed seeing her the past few weeks, and they were so kind, so caring, so empathetic, they had me in tears again with their concern for Seren, and it was so hard to tell them how difficult these few weeks have been for her, how demoralised and knocked down she is by it all.

When everyone else had left the church, I was still sitting talking to the Sunday School leader, discussing Seren and telling her about my words from God, and together we prayed for Seren, that she will get strength and peace, that her increasingly wet cough won't turn into a chest infection (she hasn't got the strength to fight a chest infection as well at the moment), and that the doctors will be able to fix this nausea.

I got through most of a packet of tissues while I was in church last night, but I came out feeling supported, loved, and more at peace than when I arrived.

And then I got back into the car, and Seren had had another tough evening, and right at the time when the Sunday School leader and I were praying for her, she was having a meltdown in the car and saying how she couldn't cope with feeling sick any more.

We talked about my experiences in church as we drove home, and as I started to try and interpret my message better, I said that maybe "Not yet" means that we have to wait until Seren starts this new medication, Domperidone, on Friday (if she's still feeling bad by then, which I'm thinking she will be), then God will use the doctors and the medications to heal her. And that until then, we have to focus on His peace.

Seren took some comfort from that, and last night, as she did the night before, she took my wooden holding cross to bed with her, and she managed to sleep in her own room last night again. She fell asleep on the computer room settee, listening to panpipe music, because when she's feeling ill, she can't stand to be alone, but she coped with being in her room for the night after that.

Today is another tough day for her, and she has chosen to stay home from school because of feeling unwell, so we're focusing on God's peace again, while trying to do all we can for her.

If you could, please pray for Seren, for her mental and emotional health as well as her physical health; and if you could pray for Adrian and I, that we will support her in the best ways we can, with wisdom to know how to deal with each situation as it arises, with empathy and with calm.

Thank you.