This weekend has been tough.
Seren is still unwell, and didn't have a great report at clinic on Friday, which I've blogged about in my other blog.
I spent a lot of Sunday crying in quiet moments, trying to keep the peace when Adrian got stressed, or trying to comfort Seren while keeping my own positivity. It didn't go well. So when I went to church last night, I was desperate for some comfort, some strength and some healing.
We had planned on going to the morning service, but Seren had had another bad night, and was exhausted first thing Sunday morning, and so we decided not to go to church, and I planned to go in the evening instead. And now I'm so glad I did, because it was exactly the right service for me, just what I needed.
It wasn't a typical service with a long-ish, educational sermon, and I ended up sitting next to the lady who runs the Alpha Course with her husband, so I had a hug before the service started, which helped! We sang some worship songs, prayed lots of prayers, and read from Ephesians, which I've also been reading at home this week.
After we had listened to the reading, the man who co-led the service asked us to meditate for a while on Ephesians chapter 1, verse 2:
"Grace to you and peace from of God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ."
He had us close our eyes, and raise up our hands to receive grace and peace from the Lord while praying; and then turn our hands over, so that we were letting go of whatever we needed to. Letting go of sin, or of bad thoughts, or of worry, of anxiety, whatever was distracting us from God.
I had been praying for help, support and healing for the whole first part of the service, and when the man stood up and talked us through letting go and receiving peace, it was exactly what I needed. The tears flowed, and I felt myself calming as I tried to let the many, many worries over Seren go, put them in Jesus' hands, lay my burdens on His shoulders, and receive His peace.
We then sang a few more songs and heard some more readings, before the man got up again and spoke about hearing God's message for us. He suggested that we sit silently in prayer and meditation, and wait to hear God's message for us individually.
Soothing music started to play, and I sat still, eyes closed, mind focused on God, hands open in a receiving gesture, and ... I heard my words.
For the first time ever.
I had been praying so hard all week for healing for Seren, for mental and emotional strength for Seren, and for her nausea to be taken away. At Alpha Course on Thursday, when they heard how much Seren has been suffering, they switched from focusing on Week 11 of the study (without going to look it up right now, I believe it was supposed to be about telling others about God) to focusing on Week 12 instead, God healing people in the world today.
And we all stood in a circle and joined hands, all the Alpha members and leaders, and prayed hard for healing and strength for Seren, for myself and for our family. The Reverend who leads the course laid his hand on my head and prayed for us.
But when I got home on Thursday night, Seren was just as bad, and then we had that clinic review the following day, which said her weight was low, her lung function had dropped, her bowel was blocked, and her reflux was still a problem.
But I didn't lose faith, like I would have in the past. I just prayed harder. And I let the couple who run the Alpha Course know, and they were praying harder too.
And, as I said, I'd been praying all the time at church that night for healing for Seren.
And when I got my words, they weren't quite what I wanted.
"Not yet."
I heard them clearly in my head. Then a few seconds later, I got another word.
"Peace."
At first, I wondered whether I'd put the words in my head. Maybe I wanted to hear something, anything, and those were the first words I'd put into my head. So I tried to forget them, push them aside, wait for the real words.
But they came back, stronger than before.
"Not yet. Peace."
I pushed them out again. Cleared my mind.
But they came back even stronger, appearing visually in my head, giant words, lit up with neon like something out of Las Vegas, with bright flashing lights around them.
"NOT YET!"
"NOT YET!!"
"NOT YET!!!"
At that point, I had to accept that those were my words from God. Not yet.
And when I accepted them, the other word came again.
"Peace."
When I accepted that one, another thought came into my mind. A concept this time. The concept of keeping sitting still, with my hands open to receive, breathing in God's peace, and breathing out my worries. Breathing in God's strength, and breathing out my fears.
And so I did.
The soothing piano and violin music played, I held out my hands, and I breathed. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry.
And when the music finished, I did feel better. I did feel able to praise God in His house.
After the service, lots of people came over to ask how Seren was doing, especially people from the Sunday School, who had missed seeing her the past few weeks, and they were so kind, so caring, so empathetic, they had me in tears again with their concern for Seren, and it was so hard to tell them how difficult these few weeks have been for her, how demoralised and knocked down she is by it all.
When everyone else had left the church, I was still sitting talking to the Sunday School leader, discussing Seren and telling her about my words from God, and together we prayed for Seren, that she will get strength and peace, that her increasingly wet cough won't turn into a chest infection (she hasn't got the strength to fight a chest infection as well at the moment), and that the doctors will be able to fix this nausea.
I got through most of a packet of tissues while I was in church last night, but I came out feeling supported, loved, and more at peace than when I arrived.
And then I got back into the car, and Seren had had another tough evening, and right at the time when the Sunday School leader and I were praying for her, she was having a meltdown in the car and saying how she couldn't cope with feeling sick any more.
We talked about my experiences in church as we drove home, and as I started to try and interpret my message better, I said that maybe "Not yet" means that we have to wait until Seren starts this new medication, Domperidone, on Friday (if she's still feeling bad by then, which I'm thinking she will be), then God will use the doctors and the medications to heal her. And that until then, we have to focus on His peace.
Seren took some comfort from that, and last night, as she did the night before, she took my wooden holding cross to bed with her, and she managed to sleep in her own room last night again. She fell asleep on the computer room settee, listening to panpipe music, because when she's feeling ill, she can't stand to be alone, but she coped with being in her room for the night after that.
Today is another tough day for her, and she has chosen to stay home from school because of feeling unwell, so we're focusing on God's peace again, while trying to do all we can for her.
If you could, please pray for Seren, for her mental and emotional health as well as her physical health; and if you could pray for Adrian and I, that we will support her in the best ways we can, with wisdom to know how to deal with each situation as it arises, with empathy and with calm.
Thank you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Alpha Course - Holy Spirit Day
After a two week break, we had two Alpha Course sessions in three days this week!
We had our normal Thursday session, which focused on why and how we should read the Bible, which was very educational. When we were watching the DVD of Nicky Gumbel's lesson, he spoke about a deeply personal issue he prayed about.
For the privacy of the person involved, I won't say who makes his words especially relevant to me at this time, but lets just say that there's been someone close to me that I've been praying for recently, because they are going through an incredibly tough time, and they aren't sure of their beliefs at all. And I'm worried about them, and what will happen to them if they pass away without coming to know Jesus.
This was something I'd never spoken aloud about, but it was something I've been worrying a lot about, especially this week, and something I've been praying silently about, not even with words most of the time, just thoughts and feelings.
And so when Nicky Gumbel spoke about losing his father before his father had come to know Jesus, and worrying about whether his father was with God, I was very shocked. It was just such an incredibly appropriate message for me. And Nicky Gumbel got his answer too. When he was reading the Bible, he found Acts 2, verse 21: "And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."
And at the same time, his wife, Pippa, said to him that she had been reading her Bible, and had found a message for Nicky about his father in Romans 10, verse 13: "For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."
And when he saw this message twice more in quick succession (one of which I believe was on a large sign outside a church), he acknowledged and accepted his message from God, that his father had called on the name of the Lord, and had been saved. :o)
Nicky sharing his story was a great great comfort to me this week.
Thank you Jesus!
And then today, well, yesterday technically, but Saturday 17th April, anyway ...
First of all, I want to just say that this past week has pretty much been all about prayer. The hymn What a Friend We Have in Jesus has been on my mind all week, repeating in my head, and it has reminded me to keep praying, to leave all my worries in Jesus' hands.
The lines of the hymn which particularly spoke to me were:
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
And
Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
I think those words have been in my head as a message, to remind me to keep praying, to keep relying on Jesus during this week.
And why is this week so scary? Because this week is a big, big week for my Dad. He was admitted to hospital on 6th April, and he started his high-dose BEAM chemotherapy on 8th April.
By Sunday 11th April, he wasn't doing very well. His temperature had shot up to 39degC, and he had severe vomiting and diarrhoea. He was started on intravenous antibiotics, and anti-emetics to try and stop the vomiting, but even now, a week later, he is very nauseous and can't speak on the phone for more than a few minutes before he's completely exhausted and fighting not to vomit.
And today, when I spoke to him during the Alpha Course lunchbreak, he told me that tonight, they were going to fit a nasogastric tube into him, because although he's not vomiting as often now, he's still barely eaten anything over the past week.
I knew that this chemo was going to hit him hard, worse than any of the others ever have, and I know that now he's had his stem cell transplant, he is incredibly vulnerable and his health is very fragile. But I also know that this is all being done for a good reason, because they are hoping that this last, ginormous mountain of treatment will either put Dad into remission for a long time, or completely cure his cancer. Something that we could barely even hope for a year ago. And so I am very grateful that he has been given this opportunity.
But it doesn't stop me worrying. Both the chemo and the stem cell transplant are so very risky, with so many awful side effects, and it's so hard to know Dad is suffering so much right now. And so I have been praying, praying, praying, praying, and praying some more. Sunday I spent most of the day just praying over and over. And the function of praying, by being able to ask for help for my Dad, and for my Mum, was a huge comfort. Feeling as if I was doing something to help, even though I'm 300 miles away from them right now.
And it wasn't just me praying. I texted my Christian friends, and put a request on my Facebook status, asking people to pray, and so my Dad was lifted up in prayer by more than just me. And it got my Dad, my Mum and me through the day. And through all the days since then.
And what with praying, and with reading my Bible every night, and going to two Alpha Course sessions, Jesus has felt very close this week. I was especially comforted when I read this verse in John 14, verse 14: "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." Just another reminder for me to keep praying!
And today seemed to be the culmination of this week of being closer to Jesus than ever before.
Holy Spirit Day
Because this was a day-long session, we spent it at the house of another family from our church, where they had two function rooms set out for us, and a beautiful garden for us to sit in for a lot of the gloriously sunny day.
Adrian and the kids dropped me off at the house for 10 am, and we all got together for a coffee first, myself and my fellow course-members, our usual hosts for our Thursday evening sessions, and the Reverend, who is our course leader. I'd brought all my worship songs CDs with me (my own 'Songs 4 Worship' double CD, and the double CD of worship songs I've been sent (The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!), and two new CDs of worship songs (You Are My Passion, and Heart of the Father) that I was sent recently, which I only opened on Friday afternoon!
After our coffee in the downstairs function room which was like our dining room, we went up to the other function room, which was like our school room for the day. We had three sections of our Alpha Course handbook to get through, the first of which was 'Who Is The Holy Spirit?'
Through reading the Bible, and singing some worship songs, we were able to learn that the Holy Spirit was involved in creation, and then came upon particular people (such as Gideon, Samson, Bezalel and Isaiah) at particular times, for particular tasks (such as leadership, strength, artistic work and prophecy). We also learned that He was promised by the Father, and was linked with Jesus through John the Baptist. And we also learned that Jesus predicted His presence, and that at Pentecost, all the disciples were filled with the Spirit; and that God has promised to give His Spirit to every Christian.
We then went downstairs for a short break, and we all stood outside in the warm, sunny garden and chatted, and then it was decided that we'd hold the next part of our day in the garden, which was a fantastic idea! To sit in the wonders of God's creation as we focused on Him was such a gift.
The second part of the day focused on 'What Does The Holy Spirit Do?' and we sang some more fabulous worship songs, right there in the garden, just the eight of us, before sitting down with our Bibles again and learning about the Spirit.
We broke for lunch shortly afterwards, and had a delicious meal together. I was spoilt with some yummy wheat-free biscuits, a vegetarian wheat-free bean chilli and jacket potato, and then fruit salad with cream. After lunch we had a small amount of free time, and so I took the opportunity to phone my Dad and see how he was doing. It was then that I found out about the ng tube feeding they had planned for tonight, and I knew that he really wasn't happy about it. So when I got off the phone, I spent some more time in prayer for him. He asked me not to phone him again today (he gets exhausted when he talks on the phone, and is at his worst in the evenings), so I don't know how that went, but I'll find out tomorrow.
When we started our session again after lunch, we sat out in the garden again, and learned about what happens after someone has been filled with the Holy Spirit, and the different fruits and gifts given by the Holy Spirit. We read from the Bible again, and at one point, split up into two small groups to further discuss the gifts of the Holy Spirit, in order to better understand them.
When it was time to move on to the third session of the day, 'How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit', after a quick coffee break, we moved back upstairs to the 'school room'. We kicked off the session with some worship songs, and I chose 'Shout to the Lord', by Darlene Zschech, which we all sang together, and then we listened to C and F's choice, 'Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord' by Paul Baloche, and F shared a prayer for us, and for the world.
We learned more about how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, by belief and by asking to be filled, and the Reverend and one of the Alpha hosts shared about when they were filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time. We also had to think about which of the ways of being filled (the Bible describes it in various ways, being breathed on, the laying on of hands, becoming 'drunk' with the spirit like drinking it in, etc) and think of which way best spoke to us.
And at the time, the one which spoke to me most was being 'breathed on'. I think at the time, it was because when the Reverend demonstrated a breath, the expression on his face stirred something in me. But now, looking back, it seems odd that as the parent of two children with lung conditions, I chose the one which involved breathing. That literally has only just occurred to me as I'm typing.
Then we all stood up to pray together, and the Reverend suggested that we pray with our hands in a receiving gesture. So we all stood there, with our hands folded and cupped in front of us, eyes closed, and ... well, it's hard to describe it really, but I felt ... sort of switched on. Aware. But not aware of the room, or particularly of the other people in it, but of myself. Not of my body, but of ... me. The inner me. And of God.
The words don't really describe the feeling, and I'm sure I'm not explaining it properly, but ... wow.
I just felt incredibly focused.
At first, the Reverend prayed and we listened and agreed silently, then the Alpha host, B, prayed, and again, we listened, and then they played some worship songs while we prayed silently ourselves. And that's when I really focused.
Music just does something to me. As I said a little later on, to my fellow course members, music is my key to God. It switches me on, and speaks to me in a way that words alone can't always do. It speaks directly to my heart and moves me so strongly that it takes my breath away and often brings me to tears. That song that I chose today, 'Shout to the Lord' by Darlene Zschech, I was playing it in the car after church a few weeks ago, and I ended up crying as we drove home, because the words just spoke to me so strongly.
And so when they started playing the worship songs during our time of prayer, my focus was so much sharper. I was praying so hard, praying to Jesus, asking Him to fill me with His Spirit, to show me the way, to lead me as a Christian, and to help me to be a good Christian, and all of a sudden, as I heard the Reverend starting to move around our circle and pray in front of each person, individually, my head got away from me and took over it's own prayer, sort of unconsciously, and I started praying 'I love you Jesus! I love you Jesus! You ARE my Lord!' in my head, faster and faster, until I had to stop and take a breath before I floated away. I felt as if my upper body was stretched, standing taller, more alive.
Tears started pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. It wasn't like when words, prayers, sermons or songs have affected me before over the past few months, where I've quickly stopped what I'm doing, 'broken the connection' and hidden my tears, I knew these were good tears, and that no-one in the room would mind me crying them, and so I let them flow. I can feel them in my eyes again now as I'm typing.
I listened as the Reverend prayed with the people next to me, their own individual prayers just for them, talking about them, the challenges they've overcome and their strengths and weaknesses, and hearing their prayers affected me so strongly. Everyone had their own unique prayer, and the words were so perfect. So perfect.
When it got to my turn, I was already feeling so ... I was going to say overwhelmed, but I wasn't overwhelmed, I was ... full? Full up? Full to the brim? I don't know, I can't describe it, but when it was my turn to be prayed for, I was a little scared/nervous about how I would feel, because I was already experiencing such strong emotions.
And my prayer was perfect for me too. He prayed for my family's health, for my friends, and for my own health, and prayed that my family, which seems to have had more than it's fair share of health problems, would be helped and strengthened. And he prayed for me and my journey.
And the tears flowed yet again. But again, it was okay. More than okay.
After a pause to allow everyone to ... reflect? Calm down? I don't know, but anyway, after a short while, we joined hands and prayed again together, for ourselves and each other, before we closed the session for the day, and I finally hunted out some tissues from my handbag.
We came out of the house into the beautiful sunshine again, and each of us agreed that we all felt different. We were all changed this afternoon in some way. And we felt closer as a group. I couldn't feel any of the usual awkwardness or embarrassment I usually feel, and I feel bonded to our group of what used to be total strangers until February, and semi-strangers until today.
And I do feel different still. I feel lighter inside. I feel closer to God. And I am in no doubt that God does exist, and that He loves me.
Thank you Jesus!
And I can't wait for church in the morning!
We had our normal Thursday session, which focused on why and how we should read the Bible, which was very educational. When we were watching the DVD of Nicky Gumbel's lesson, he spoke about a deeply personal issue he prayed about.
For the privacy of the person involved, I won't say who makes his words especially relevant to me at this time, but lets just say that there's been someone close to me that I've been praying for recently, because they are going through an incredibly tough time, and they aren't sure of their beliefs at all. And I'm worried about them, and what will happen to them if they pass away without coming to know Jesus.
This was something I'd never spoken aloud about, but it was something I've been worrying a lot about, especially this week, and something I've been praying silently about, not even with words most of the time, just thoughts and feelings.
And so when Nicky Gumbel spoke about losing his father before his father had come to know Jesus, and worrying about whether his father was with God, I was very shocked. It was just such an incredibly appropriate message for me. And Nicky Gumbel got his answer too. When he was reading the Bible, he found Acts 2, verse 21: "And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."
And at the same time, his wife, Pippa, said to him that she had been reading her Bible, and had found a message for Nicky about his father in Romans 10, verse 13: "For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."
And when he saw this message twice more in quick succession (one of which I believe was on a large sign outside a church), he acknowledged and accepted his message from God, that his father had called on the name of the Lord, and had been saved. :o)
Nicky sharing his story was a great great comfort to me this week.
Thank you Jesus!
And then today, well, yesterday technically, but Saturday 17th April, anyway ...
First of all, I want to just say that this past week has pretty much been all about prayer. The hymn What a Friend We Have in Jesus has been on my mind all week, repeating in my head, and it has reminded me to keep praying, to leave all my worries in Jesus' hands.
The lines of the hymn which particularly spoke to me were:
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
And
Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
I think those words have been in my head as a message, to remind me to keep praying, to keep relying on Jesus during this week.
And why is this week so scary? Because this week is a big, big week for my Dad. He was admitted to hospital on 6th April, and he started his high-dose BEAM chemotherapy on 8th April.
By Sunday 11th April, he wasn't doing very well. His temperature had shot up to 39degC, and he had severe vomiting and diarrhoea. He was started on intravenous antibiotics, and anti-emetics to try and stop the vomiting, but even now, a week later, he is very nauseous and can't speak on the phone for more than a few minutes before he's completely exhausted and fighting not to vomit.
And today, when I spoke to him during the Alpha Course lunchbreak, he told me that tonight, they were going to fit a nasogastric tube into him, because although he's not vomiting as often now, he's still barely eaten anything over the past week.
I knew that this chemo was going to hit him hard, worse than any of the others ever have, and I know that now he's had his stem cell transplant, he is incredibly vulnerable and his health is very fragile. But I also know that this is all being done for a good reason, because they are hoping that this last, ginormous mountain of treatment will either put Dad into remission for a long time, or completely cure his cancer. Something that we could barely even hope for a year ago. And so I am very grateful that he has been given this opportunity.
But it doesn't stop me worrying. Both the chemo and the stem cell transplant are so very risky, with so many awful side effects, and it's so hard to know Dad is suffering so much right now. And so I have been praying, praying, praying, praying, and praying some more. Sunday I spent most of the day just praying over and over. And the function of praying, by being able to ask for help for my Dad, and for my Mum, was a huge comfort. Feeling as if I was doing something to help, even though I'm 300 miles away from them right now.
And it wasn't just me praying. I texted my Christian friends, and put a request on my Facebook status, asking people to pray, and so my Dad was lifted up in prayer by more than just me. And it got my Dad, my Mum and me through the day. And through all the days since then.
And what with praying, and with reading my Bible every night, and going to two Alpha Course sessions, Jesus has felt very close this week. I was especially comforted when I read this verse in John 14, verse 14: "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." Just another reminder for me to keep praying!
And today seemed to be the culmination of this week of being closer to Jesus than ever before.
Holy Spirit Day
Because this was a day-long session, we spent it at the house of another family from our church, where they had two function rooms set out for us, and a beautiful garden for us to sit in for a lot of the gloriously sunny day.
Adrian and the kids dropped me off at the house for 10 am, and we all got together for a coffee first, myself and my fellow course-members, our usual hosts for our Thursday evening sessions, and the Reverend, who is our course leader. I'd brought all my worship songs CDs with me (my own 'Songs 4 Worship' double CD, and the double CD of worship songs I've been sent (The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!), and two new CDs of worship songs (You Are My Passion, and Heart of the Father) that I was sent recently, which I only opened on Friday afternoon!
After our coffee in the downstairs function room which was like our dining room, we went up to the other function room, which was like our school room for the day. We had three sections of our Alpha Course handbook to get through, the first of which was 'Who Is The Holy Spirit?'
Through reading the Bible, and singing some worship songs, we were able to learn that the Holy Spirit was involved in creation, and then came upon particular people (such as Gideon, Samson, Bezalel and Isaiah) at particular times, for particular tasks (such as leadership, strength, artistic work and prophecy). We also learned that He was promised by the Father, and was linked with Jesus through John the Baptist. And we also learned that Jesus predicted His presence, and that at Pentecost, all the disciples were filled with the Spirit; and that God has promised to give His Spirit to every Christian.
We then went downstairs for a short break, and we all stood outside in the warm, sunny garden and chatted, and then it was decided that we'd hold the next part of our day in the garden, which was a fantastic idea! To sit in the wonders of God's creation as we focused on Him was such a gift.
The second part of the day focused on 'What Does The Holy Spirit Do?' and we sang some more fabulous worship songs, right there in the garden, just the eight of us, before sitting down with our Bibles again and learning about the Spirit.
We broke for lunch shortly afterwards, and had a delicious meal together. I was spoilt with some yummy wheat-free biscuits, a vegetarian wheat-free bean chilli and jacket potato, and then fruit salad with cream. After lunch we had a small amount of free time, and so I took the opportunity to phone my Dad and see how he was doing. It was then that I found out about the ng tube feeding they had planned for tonight, and I knew that he really wasn't happy about it. So when I got off the phone, I spent some more time in prayer for him. He asked me not to phone him again today (he gets exhausted when he talks on the phone, and is at his worst in the evenings), so I don't know how that went, but I'll find out tomorrow.
When we started our session again after lunch, we sat out in the garden again, and learned about what happens after someone has been filled with the Holy Spirit, and the different fruits and gifts given by the Holy Spirit. We read from the Bible again, and at one point, split up into two small groups to further discuss the gifts of the Holy Spirit, in order to better understand them.
When it was time to move on to the third session of the day, 'How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit', after a quick coffee break, we moved back upstairs to the 'school room'. We kicked off the session with some worship songs, and I chose 'Shout to the Lord', by Darlene Zschech, which we all sang together, and then we listened to C and F's choice, 'Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord' by Paul Baloche, and F shared a prayer for us, and for the world.
We learned more about how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, by belief and by asking to be filled, and the Reverend and one of the Alpha hosts shared about when they were filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time. We also had to think about which of the ways of being filled (the Bible describes it in various ways, being breathed on, the laying on of hands, becoming 'drunk' with the spirit like drinking it in, etc) and think of which way best spoke to us.
And at the time, the one which spoke to me most was being 'breathed on'. I think at the time, it was because when the Reverend demonstrated a breath, the expression on his face stirred something in me. But now, looking back, it seems odd that as the parent of two children with lung conditions, I chose the one which involved breathing. That literally has only just occurred to me as I'm typing.
Then we all stood up to pray together, and the Reverend suggested that we pray with our hands in a receiving gesture. So we all stood there, with our hands folded and cupped in front of us, eyes closed, and ... well, it's hard to describe it really, but I felt ... sort of switched on. Aware. But not aware of the room, or particularly of the other people in it, but of myself. Not of my body, but of ... me. The inner me. And of God.
The words don't really describe the feeling, and I'm sure I'm not explaining it properly, but ... wow.
I just felt incredibly focused.
At first, the Reverend prayed and we listened and agreed silently, then the Alpha host, B, prayed, and again, we listened, and then they played some worship songs while we prayed silently ourselves. And that's when I really focused.
Music just does something to me. As I said a little later on, to my fellow course members, music is my key to God. It switches me on, and speaks to me in a way that words alone can't always do. It speaks directly to my heart and moves me so strongly that it takes my breath away and often brings me to tears. That song that I chose today, 'Shout to the Lord' by Darlene Zschech, I was playing it in the car after church a few weeks ago, and I ended up crying as we drove home, because the words just spoke to me so strongly.
And so when they started playing the worship songs during our time of prayer, my focus was so much sharper. I was praying so hard, praying to Jesus, asking Him to fill me with His Spirit, to show me the way, to lead me as a Christian, and to help me to be a good Christian, and all of a sudden, as I heard the Reverend starting to move around our circle and pray in front of each person, individually, my head got away from me and took over it's own prayer, sort of unconsciously, and I started praying 'I love you Jesus! I love you Jesus! You ARE my Lord!' in my head, faster and faster, until I had to stop and take a breath before I floated away. I felt as if my upper body was stretched, standing taller, more alive.
Tears started pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. It wasn't like when words, prayers, sermons or songs have affected me before over the past few months, where I've quickly stopped what I'm doing, 'broken the connection' and hidden my tears, I knew these were good tears, and that no-one in the room would mind me crying them, and so I let them flow. I can feel them in my eyes again now as I'm typing.
I listened as the Reverend prayed with the people next to me, their own individual prayers just for them, talking about them, the challenges they've overcome and their strengths and weaknesses, and hearing their prayers affected me so strongly. Everyone had their own unique prayer, and the words were so perfect. So perfect.
When it got to my turn, I was already feeling so ... I was going to say overwhelmed, but I wasn't overwhelmed, I was ... full? Full up? Full to the brim? I don't know, I can't describe it, but when it was my turn to be prayed for, I was a little scared/nervous about how I would feel, because I was already experiencing such strong emotions.
And my prayer was perfect for me too. He prayed for my family's health, for my friends, and for my own health, and prayed that my family, which seems to have had more than it's fair share of health problems, would be helped and strengthened. And he prayed for me and my journey.
And the tears flowed yet again. But again, it was okay. More than okay.
After a pause to allow everyone to ... reflect? Calm down? I don't know, but anyway, after a short while, we joined hands and prayed again together, for ourselves and each other, before we closed the session for the day, and I finally hunted out some tissues from my handbag.
We came out of the house into the beautiful sunshine again, and each of us agreed that we all felt different. We were all changed this afternoon in some way. And we felt closer as a group. I couldn't feel any of the usual awkwardness or embarrassment I usually feel, and I feel bonded to our group of what used to be total strangers until February, and semi-strangers until today.
And I do feel different still. I feel lighter inside. I feel closer to God. And I am in no doubt that God does exist, and that He loves me.
Thank you Jesus!
And I can't wait for church in the morning!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday
Praise the Lord!
Today is the day!!!
Today Jesus won his victory over death, and rose from the grave!
Alleluia!
I was feeling a little lost this morning, because we are so far away from the fantastic church Seren and I now call 'our' church, and I was worried about how I'd feel going to the CofW (Church of Wales, like Church of England) Church my Mum currently attends, for the Easter Sunday service.
So while I was getting ready for Church, I was playing some of my worship songs on my mp3 player, and then while I was doing Seren's hair, I was singing one of my favourite Easter hymns to her. It's a hymn I sang a few times at my original Baptist church, but it was one I never forgot. It wasn't often sung, but it had a huge impact on me, and I would have loved to have heard it again, so I was singing it to Seren.
And then I quickly said a prayer. "Lord, I want to praise You on this most special of days, the day You conquered death, but I'm nervous about going to this new church, because I know it'll be so different from the Baptist church I love. Help me to feel Your presence, even in this different church, let me know that You are there." And that was when I had the idea. I asked Jesus to show me that He was there by having my favourite Easter hymn as one of the hymns for the day.
I didn't really think it would be, in all honesty, because I haven't heard it in years, at least 15 years I'm sure, so I didn't think it was very well-known or popular. So I told myself that if it wasn't one of the hymns today, I wouldn't be too disappointed.
So. We went to the church. And it was a very alien service. Lots of repetition and reading from booklets and unfamiliar hymns. I was trying my best to find the message in the service, and to feel connected to God, but it wasn't happening much at first.
The best bits were a) the sermon, which wasn't stuffy at all, in contrast to the whole first section of the service, and b) the tiny baby getting baptised mid-service, which Seren really enjoyed seeing. But apart from that, I was feeling pretty lost and disconnected. So I kept praying, and kept missing 'our' church, because I bet they had a fabulous service today.
Towards the end of the service, they had communion. Only for those baptised, which I'm not, yet. But those who weren't able to have communion could have a blessing, so Seren and I went up and knelt at the altar for a blessing.
While we were being blessed, they were singing a hymn which I knew a little, which was encouraging, and so when we sat down, I sang the rest of that hymn. When the introduction for the next hymn started, I froze in shock. It sounded awfully like the introduction to my hymn!
So I grabbed up my hymn book, scrabbled to the right page, and stared in disbelief at the words to my favourite hymn!
THEY WERE SINGING IT!!!!!!!!!!
And here it is:
Led Like a Lamb to the Slaughter, by Graham Kendrick
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I said a fervent prayer of thanks to the Lord, right then and there, before kissing Seren on the forehead and telling her that Jesus WAS there, right there with us, that He'd given me my sign!
Even though it was mostly the choir singing, rather than the congregation, of whom probably only half were singing, I was BELTING OUT that song with a heart full of joy! When I needed it the very very most, Jesus gave me the hugest sign I could ever wish for, on his Re-Birthday!
And I immediately went from worrying that I was going to leave the service as hungry for the Lord as when I went in, I was suddenly feeling just as close to Him as I do at any of 'our' church services!
Thank you Jesus!
Today is the day!!!
Today Jesus won his victory over death, and rose from the grave!
Alleluia!
I was feeling a little lost this morning, because we are so far away from the fantastic church Seren and I now call 'our' church, and I was worried about how I'd feel going to the CofW (Church of Wales, like Church of England) Church my Mum currently attends, for the Easter Sunday service.
So while I was getting ready for Church, I was playing some of my worship songs on my mp3 player, and then while I was doing Seren's hair, I was singing one of my favourite Easter hymns to her. It's a hymn I sang a few times at my original Baptist church, but it was one I never forgot. It wasn't often sung, but it had a huge impact on me, and I would have loved to have heard it again, so I was singing it to Seren.
And then I quickly said a prayer. "Lord, I want to praise You on this most special of days, the day You conquered death, but I'm nervous about going to this new church, because I know it'll be so different from the Baptist church I love. Help me to feel Your presence, even in this different church, let me know that You are there." And that was when I had the idea. I asked Jesus to show me that He was there by having my favourite Easter hymn as one of the hymns for the day.
I didn't really think it would be, in all honesty, because I haven't heard it in years, at least 15 years I'm sure, so I didn't think it was very well-known or popular. So I told myself that if it wasn't one of the hymns today, I wouldn't be too disappointed.
So. We went to the church. And it was a very alien service. Lots of repetition and reading from booklets and unfamiliar hymns. I was trying my best to find the message in the service, and to feel connected to God, but it wasn't happening much at first.
The best bits were a) the sermon, which wasn't stuffy at all, in contrast to the whole first section of the service, and b) the tiny baby getting baptised mid-service, which Seren really enjoyed seeing. But apart from that, I was feeling pretty lost and disconnected. So I kept praying, and kept missing 'our' church, because I bet they had a fabulous service today.
Towards the end of the service, they had communion. Only for those baptised, which I'm not, yet. But those who weren't able to have communion could have a blessing, so Seren and I went up and knelt at the altar for a blessing.
While we were being blessed, they were singing a hymn which I knew a little, which was encouraging, and so when we sat down, I sang the rest of that hymn. When the introduction for the next hymn started, I froze in shock. It sounded awfully like the introduction to my hymn!
So I grabbed up my hymn book, scrabbled to the right page, and stared in disbelief at the words to my favourite hymn!
THEY WERE SINGING IT!!!!!!!!!!
And here it is:
Led Like a Lamb to the Slaughter, by Graham Kendrick
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I said a fervent prayer of thanks to the Lord, right then and there, before kissing Seren on the forehead and telling her that Jesus WAS there, right there with us, that He'd given me my sign!
Even though it was mostly the choir singing, rather than the congregation, of whom probably only half were singing, I was BELTING OUT that song with a heart full of joy! When I needed it the very very most, Jesus gave me the hugest sign I could ever wish for, on his Re-Birthday!
And I immediately went from worrying that I was going to leave the service as hungry for the Lord as when I went in, I was suddenly feeling just as close to Him as I do at any of 'our' church services!
Thank you Jesus!
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Power of the Cross
We sang an incredibly powerful hymn at Church yesterday, on Palm Sunday. It was the day, nearly 2000 years ago, when Jesus had His triumphant arrival into Jerusalem, riding on a donkey over the cloaks people had thrown down for Him, past the crowds waving palm leaves and shouting 'Hosanna' - which we were told in the service is both a shout of praise, and a request - save us, deliver us ...
And yet, just a few days later, when Pontius Pilate asked the crowds what he should do with Jesus, pardon Him or crucify Him ... the crowds weren't shouting 'Hosanna!', they were shouting 'Crucify Him!'
This incredibly beautiful hymn really hit me hard ...
The Power of the Cross
Here are the lyrics ...
Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.
This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Every bitter thought,
Every evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.
Now the daylight flees
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the victory cry.
Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.
This, the power of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Thank you Jesus!
And yet, just a few days later, when Pontius Pilate asked the crowds what he should do with Jesus, pardon Him or crucify Him ... the crowds weren't shouting 'Hosanna!', they were shouting 'Crucify Him!'
This incredibly beautiful hymn really hit me hard ...
The Power of the Cross
Here are the lyrics ...
Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.
This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Every bitter thought,
Every evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.
Now the daylight flees
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the victory cry.
Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.
This, the power of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Thank you Jesus!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Alpha Course and Sunday Services
Things have been very busy around here lately, life has become very full, and I have been blessed with a whole host of new experiences, doing the Alpha Course, going to Church every Sunday, being involved in the autism support group committee, and being able to sing and play in the folk band. God has enriched my life in so many ways!
I've also been reading my Bible every night. I've finished the first five books of the Old Testament, and it was then recommended (by the host of the Alpha Course) that I move on to the New Testament next, and so I have just finished the book of Matthew. There is a big difference, reading the Bible as an adult, compared to as a child, and I am very much enjoying it.
And so today, I thought I'd update my blog on how my journey has been progressing over the past few weeks.
Alpha Course
I've just completed Week 4 of the Alpha Course. Week 1, as I posted before, was an introductory session which had us getting to know each other and finding out about the course.
Week 2 was centred around the question 'Who Is Jesus?' and focused on the great wealth of documentary evidence proving His existence, and proving that He most definitely WAS the Son of God, who died to save us from our sins.
There were the Roman historians, Tacitus and Suetonius, the Jewish historian, Josephus who wrote about Him, and, of course, the evidence within the New Testament, which shows us that He was fully human, with a human body, human emotions and human experiences.
We also learned about what Jesus said about Himself, and then thought about the ramifications of what He said. As C.S. Lewis said, Jesus was either the Son of God, or He was insane or evil, which He clearly wasn't. "It is clear that however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God."
We also learned about the evidence to support what He said, such as His teachings, His works, His character, His fulfilment of the Old Testament prophecy, and His conquest of death. And the evidence of His resurrection - His absence from the tomb, His presence with the disciples, the immediate effects, ie the birth and growth of the Christian church, and the effect down the ages, ie the experiences of Christians down the ages.
It was an interesting week, but for me, it was pretty academic, as I've never doubted the existence of Jesus, having grown up in the Church.
Week 3 was much more involving, as it focused on 'Why Did Jesus Die?' We learned about the problem of the world's sin, which separated us from God, and His solution to the problem - sending His Son to die for us on the cross, so that all our sins could be forgiven and we could have eternal life with God.
It was awful to hear exactly what happened to Jesus during his torture and crucifixion, to realise all over again just how awfully Jesus suffered for us, but it was amazing to realise just how much He loved us, that He would do that for us, so that we could be saved. Wow.
This week, Week 4, focused on 'How Can We Have Faith?' which was again, a fascinating talk. Nicky Gumbel compared the relationship between us and God to the relationship between a husband and wife, which made things much easier to understand. We don't just believe that we are married to each other, we have faith that we are married to each other, and we had to make a leap of faith when we did get married.
And that is the difference between belief and faith - the difference between believing God exists, and actually having a relationship with Him through faith. Faith is taking God's promises and daring to believe them.
And when we become a Christian, when we pray our prayer to Jesus, asking him to forgive our sins and to come into our hearts, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside us, and He transforms us from within, transforming our characters and our relationships; and He brings a deep, personal conviction that we are God's children.
I am really loving the Alpha Course, and I am developing genuine friendships with the lovely people on the course with me, and our hosts, who are fabulously inspiring Christians.
Sunday Services
And I have been loving our Sunday morning services in the Church too! There is always a message in the service, just for me, and everything always makes such sense. And oh, how I love the worship songs! We have sung some fantastic ones recently.
One a couple of weeks ago had me literally fighting back tears. It was the day before Seren and I were due to go to see the CF specialist in Norwich, and only minutes before we left the house for Church that Sunday morning, she had confessed that she was terrified about going to see the specialist. She was scared of the train ride, and even more scared that her lung function would be bad, or that she wouldn't have put on much weight.
I reassured her quickly, and then we had to leave for Church, and when we sat down, and heard that that morning's service was going to focus on FEAR, well, WOW! I gave Seren a hug and told her that Jesus was speaking directly to her that morning. She was SO touched by it, and the sermon about how to count on Jesus and pray to Jesus and to draw strength from Jesus when we are afraid really really really helped her.
But I felt that the service also spoke directly to me too, about my fears for the childrens' health, or about my Dad's cancer battle, or Adrian's Nan's poor health, or even the small fears like having to sing/play in public.
And this song, which I can't find on YouTube, only the lyrics on this site, had me frantically wiping the tears from my eyes.
Wonderful Lord, Wonderful God,
You are my shield, my protector.
I can lie down, Go off to sleep,
Knowing you're watching over me.
Wonderful Lord, Wonderful God,
Help me to trust you forever.
I need not fear 'Cos you are near,
I can lie down and sleep in peace.
Doug Horley
based on Psalm 4:8
I thought of all the nights when I've lain awake worrying frantically, and to sing that line 'I can lie down, go off to sleep, knowing you're watching over me', oh, that was an incredible comfort.
There are other incredibly beautiful songs which touch my soul, but I am very sad to find that I can't find them on YouTube, so I can't share them with you.
Today's service (like the past two weeks) have been focusing on The Beatitudes, in the book of Matthew, and we also had communion today. We sang two beautiful songs (among others) which were Thank You Lord You Love Us (my favourite part goes something like: "We just wanna say we love You, we just wanna shout YOU'RE THE BEST!") and another one which I'm guessing is called Lean on Me, which was so uplifting and inspiring. I wish I could share it, but I can't find it at the moment. If anyone does find it, let me know!
I'll leave you for today with today's text of the week:
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5 v 11-12.
I've also been reading my Bible every night. I've finished the first five books of the Old Testament, and it was then recommended (by the host of the Alpha Course) that I move on to the New Testament next, and so I have just finished the book of Matthew. There is a big difference, reading the Bible as an adult, compared to as a child, and I am very much enjoying it.
And so today, I thought I'd update my blog on how my journey has been progressing over the past few weeks.
Alpha Course
I've just completed Week 4 of the Alpha Course. Week 1, as I posted before, was an introductory session which had us getting to know each other and finding out about the course.
Week 2 was centred around the question 'Who Is Jesus?' and focused on the great wealth of documentary evidence proving His existence, and proving that He most definitely WAS the Son of God, who died to save us from our sins.
There were the Roman historians, Tacitus and Suetonius, the Jewish historian, Josephus who wrote about Him, and, of course, the evidence within the New Testament, which shows us that He was fully human, with a human body, human emotions and human experiences.
We also learned about what Jesus said about Himself, and then thought about the ramifications of what He said. As C.S. Lewis said, Jesus was either the Son of God, or He was insane or evil, which He clearly wasn't. "It is clear that however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God."
We also learned about the evidence to support what He said, such as His teachings, His works, His character, His fulfilment of the Old Testament prophecy, and His conquest of death. And the evidence of His resurrection - His absence from the tomb, His presence with the disciples, the immediate effects, ie the birth and growth of the Christian church, and the effect down the ages, ie the experiences of Christians down the ages.
It was an interesting week, but for me, it was pretty academic, as I've never doubted the existence of Jesus, having grown up in the Church.
Week 3 was much more involving, as it focused on 'Why Did Jesus Die?' We learned about the problem of the world's sin, which separated us from God, and His solution to the problem - sending His Son to die for us on the cross, so that all our sins could be forgiven and we could have eternal life with God.
It was awful to hear exactly what happened to Jesus during his torture and crucifixion, to realise all over again just how awfully Jesus suffered for us, but it was amazing to realise just how much He loved us, that He would do that for us, so that we could be saved. Wow.
This week, Week 4, focused on 'How Can We Have Faith?' which was again, a fascinating talk. Nicky Gumbel compared the relationship between us and God to the relationship between a husband and wife, which made things much easier to understand. We don't just believe that we are married to each other, we have faith that we are married to each other, and we had to make a leap of faith when we did get married.
And that is the difference between belief and faith - the difference between believing God exists, and actually having a relationship with Him through faith. Faith is taking God's promises and daring to believe them.
And when we become a Christian, when we pray our prayer to Jesus, asking him to forgive our sins and to come into our hearts, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside us, and He transforms us from within, transforming our characters and our relationships; and He brings a deep, personal conviction that we are God's children.
I am really loving the Alpha Course, and I am developing genuine friendships with the lovely people on the course with me, and our hosts, who are fabulously inspiring Christians.
Sunday Services
And I have been loving our Sunday morning services in the Church too! There is always a message in the service, just for me, and everything always makes such sense. And oh, how I love the worship songs! We have sung some fantastic ones recently.
One a couple of weeks ago had me literally fighting back tears. It was the day before Seren and I were due to go to see the CF specialist in Norwich, and only minutes before we left the house for Church that Sunday morning, she had confessed that she was terrified about going to see the specialist. She was scared of the train ride, and even more scared that her lung function would be bad, or that she wouldn't have put on much weight.
I reassured her quickly, and then we had to leave for Church, and when we sat down, and heard that that morning's service was going to focus on FEAR, well, WOW! I gave Seren a hug and told her that Jesus was speaking directly to her that morning. She was SO touched by it, and the sermon about how to count on Jesus and pray to Jesus and to draw strength from Jesus when we are afraid really really really helped her.
But I felt that the service also spoke directly to me too, about my fears for the childrens' health, or about my Dad's cancer battle, or Adrian's Nan's poor health, or even the small fears like having to sing/play in public.
And this song, which I can't find on YouTube, only the lyrics on this site, had me frantically wiping the tears from my eyes.
Wonderful Lord, Wonderful God,
You are my shield, my protector.
I can lie down, Go off to sleep,
Knowing you're watching over me.
Wonderful Lord, Wonderful God,
Help me to trust you forever.
I need not fear 'Cos you are near,
I can lie down and sleep in peace.
Doug Horley
based on Psalm 4:8
I thought of all the nights when I've lain awake worrying frantically, and to sing that line 'I can lie down, go off to sleep, knowing you're watching over me', oh, that was an incredible comfort.
There are other incredibly beautiful songs which touch my soul, but I am very sad to find that I can't find them on YouTube, so I can't share them with you.
Today's service (like the past two weeks) have been focusing on The Beatitudes, in the book of Matthew, and we also had communion today. We sang two beautiful songs (among others) which were Thank You Lord You Love Us (my favourite part goes something like: "We just wanna say we love You, we just wanna shout YOU'RE THE BEST!") and another one which I'm guessing is called Lean on Me, which was so uplifting and inspiring. I wish I could share it, but I can't find it at the moment. If anyone does find it, let me know!
I'll leave you for today with today's text of the week:
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5 v 11-12.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Alpha Course - Week 1
Last night was the first night of the Alpha Course.
Adrian dropped me off at the house in which the course was being held, at around 7.30 pm. I was welcomed by the man of the house, who was incredibly friendly. I was shown into the living room, where the rest of the course members were sitting, and we had a quick chat while dinner was finishing being prepped.
We then ate together (soup, jacket potatoes with salad and various fillings, and trifle, and they were all delicious!) and chatted together, finding out odds and ends about each other. I resisted mentioning CF etc., for as long as possible, and so at this point, all people knew was that I have two kids, a boy and a girl, aged 5 and 7 yrs old.
After we'd all finished our lovely meal, we went back into the living room to get to know each other better. We all had to give each other nicknames, after getting to know each other a little. We all had to introduce ourselves, one at a time, and then we picked names for each other. My introduction went something like this ...
"I'm Rebecca, I'm 29 years old, and I have two kids, Seren and Dylan, who both have cystic fibrosis and asthma, and Seren has hypermobility syndrome, and Dylan is autistic. I also recently joined a folk band, which I sing with, and am going to be playing the tin whistle and clarinet with them too. I love writing, music, and reading, and hate wheat (or rather, what it does to me) and having to go out in the rain."
Everyone introduced themselves, and then the other course members had to choose a nickname for me, one which started with R and they chose Rhythmic Rebecca, because of me being musical. :o) I like it! I don't feel comfortable mentioning the other course members names, but their nickname part of their names are Jeany J, Crafty C, Rehabilitated R, Joyful J, Catty C (a cat lover), Divine D (the course leader) and Bouncing B. :o)
Once we all had our nicknames, we were given this book to use while we work through the Alpha Course ...
The Alpha Course book
And then we watched a DVD of the first Alpha Course session, and afterwards had a chat about how we felt about what we'd seen, and what stage of our Christian journey we're at.
Some said that they had been going to Church for years, but wanted to move forward in their journey with God, others had been through rehab and so had a relationship with God through the step programme (I can't remember if they said 10 or 12 steps, but you know what I mean) but wanted to understand how Jesus fits into that relationship, and to explore Christianity further.
When it came to my turn, I explained that I'd grown up in the Baptist Church, and had LOVED it, but then once the kids came along and were diagnosed with CF, and then I lost my grandfather to cancer, and then my father was diagnosed with cancer that they didn't think they'd be able to cure, my anger obscured my faith.
And when I admitted that my anger at God had escalated to the point where I could still believe in His existence, but couldn't bring myself to be praising him, I burst into tears and couldn't speak any more. I couldn't believe that just speaking about it was affecting me so strongly, and I felt like a bit of an idiot, sitting there with tears literally pouring down my face, but everyone was fine about it.
I recovered a bit, and went on to explain about how Seren and I came to visit the local Baptist Church, and how everything had changed again at that point.
Once we'd told our own stories of what stage we are all at, we were given some more reading material ...
A copy of the New Testament and Psalms, and a booklet called 'Why Jesus?' which covers what was said on the DVD last night
We agreed on the same time next week for Week 2 of the course, when we'll be looking at Jesus again, and we all had another chat over coffee, just getting to know each other.
The family holding the course at their house were kind enough to drop me and one other course member home, which was lovely of them. I got home feeling rather overwhelmed and a little drained after my surprise outpouring of emotion, but I am very much looking forward to going back next week. :o) And of course, going to Church again on Sunday!
God bless.
Adrian dropped me off at the house in which the course was being held, at around 7.30 pm. I was welcomed by the man of the house, who was incredibly friendly. I was shown into the living room, where the rest of the course members were sitting, and we had a quick chat while dinner was finishing being prepped.
We then ate together (soup, jacket potatoes with salad and various fillings, and trifle, and they were all delicious!) and chatted together, finding out odds and ends about each other. I resisted mentioning CF etc., for as long as possible, and so at this point, all people knew was that I have two kids, a boy and a girl, aged 5 and 7 yrs old.
After we'd all finished our lovely meal, we went back into the living room to get to know each other better. We all had to give each other nicknames, after getting to know each other a little. We all had to introduce ourselves, one at a time, and then we picked names for each other. My introduction went something like this ...
"I'm Rebecca, I'm 29 years old, and I have two kids, Seren and Dylan, who both have cystic fibrosis and asthma, and Seren has hypermobility syndrome, and Dylan is autistic. I also recently joined a folk band, which I sing with, and am going to be playing the tin whistle and clarinet with them too. I love writing, music, and reading, and hate wheat (or rather, what it does to me) and having to go out in the rain."
Everyone introduced themselves, and then the other course members had to choose a nickname for me, one which started with R and they chose Rhythmic Rebecca, because of me being musical. :o) I like it! I don't feel comfortable mentioning the other course members names, but their nickname part of their names are Jeany J, Crafty C, Rehabilitated R, Joyful J, Catty C (a cat lover), Divine D (the course leader) and Bouncing B. :o)
Once we all had our nicknames, we were given this book to use while we work through the Alpha Course ...
The Alpha Course bookAnd then we watched a DVD of the first Alpha Course session, and afterwards had a chat about how we felt about what we'd seen, and what stage of our Christian journey we're at.
Some said that they had been going to Church for years, but wanted to move forward in their journey with God, others had been through rehab and so had a relationship with God through the step programme (I can't remember if they said 10 or 12 steps, but you know what I mean) but wanted to understand how Jesus fits into that relationship, and to explore Christianity further.
When it came to my turn, I explained that I'd grown up in the Baptist Church, and had LOVED it, but then once the kids came along and were diagnosed with CF, and then I lost my grandfather to cancer, and then my father was diagnosed with cancer that they didn't think they'd be able to cure, my anger obscured my faith.
And when I admitted that my anger at God had escalated to the point where I could still believe in His existence, but couldn't bring myself to be praising him, I burst into tears and couldn't speak any more. I couldn't believe that just speaking about it was affecting me so strongly, and I felt like a bit of an idiot, sitting there with tears literally pouring down my face, but everyone was fine about it.
I recovered a bit, and went on to explain about how Seren and I came to visit the local Baptist Church, and how everything had changed again at that point.
Once we'd told our own stories of what stage we are all at, we were given some more reading material ...
A copy of the New Testament and Psalms, and a booklet called 'Why Jesus?' which covers what was said on the DVD last nightWe agreed on the same time next week for Week 2 of the course, when we'll be looking at Jesus again, and we all had another chat over coffee, just getting to know each other.
The family holding the course at their house were kind enough to drop me and one other course member home, which was lovely of them. I got home feeling rather overwhelmed and a little drained after my surprise outpouring of emotion, but I am very much looking forward to going back next week. :o) And of course, going to Church again on Sunday!
God bless.
Seeing Jesus
Seeing Jesus was the theme of this week's Church service, and we kicked the service off in fine style with this fabulous, uplifting hymn. Seren and I both have it on our mp3 players, so we were singing our hearts out!
Shine Jesus Shine
Because the theme of the morning was Seeing Jesus, one lady and her son came up to talk about one way in which they've seen Jesus in their lives. The little boy is profoundly deaf, and was born without cochlears, and there is nothing which can be done to allow him to hear at all, and yet, he recently astounded his speech therapist by being able to say the word 'Hello'!!! His mother showed us a little video of her son saying 'Hello', and oh, when I heard his little voice, I couldn't hold back the tears. As his mother said, it's their own little miracle.
Once the kids had gone through to KatCh, the main service was led by one of the male Church leaders, and again, his sermon focused on 'Seeing Jesus'.
He said that we can see Jesus in the bread and wine of communion, in our daily walk with God, in other Christians around us, and also that Mother Theresa talked about seeing Jesus in the poor.
He then moved on to talk about when people in the Bible saw Jesus, and we read from Matthew 17, when Peter, James and John went up a mountain with Jesus and saw Jesus' 'transfiguration' (to change form), when his face shone like the sun and his clothes were dazzling white. They also saw Jesus talking to Moses and Elijah, and were terrified when they heard God's voice saying that Jesus is His Son, with whom He is pleased. The disciples closed their eyes in fear, but when Jesus told them not to be afraid, they opened their eyes and saw only Jesus.
The verse that he particularly wanted us to focus on was the one where it says that when the disciples looked up, they saw ONLY JESUS. And he said that if we want to follow Jesus effectively, we too need to see ONLY JESUS - we need to have a clear picture of what he's like and what he calls us to do.
The pieces of the puzzle really fell into place for me when he explained that we need to see Jesus as the man who is like us, who knows us and understands us; and we need to see God as God who is unlimited. If God were just like man, He would be limited, no better than us; and if Jesus were just God, He would be too big, immeasurably powerful and great, but too big for us. Jesus bridges the gap between man and God.
Thank you Jesus!
He then talked about just how important it was that the disciples saw ONLY JESUS after He had touched them and told them not to be afraid. He said that if the disciples had looked up and seen nobody, then ... well, they would have just come down the mountain with a story to tell, not knowing whether what they'd seen was real, and not having any proof. It would just have been an experience.
If they had seen only Moses when they'd looked up, they would have been impressed by the great man of history who had seen and spoken to God face to face, a man whose faith was all about what he DID for God. And if they had followed Moses' example, then maybe places, people and activities would seem more important than God Himself. If we focus only on what we do for God, and how we do it, then we are missing the point, we're not getting the whole story.
If they had seen only Elijah, the prophet who was full of power and miracles and prophesies, who challenged tradition, and was happy to be very isolated, on his own, then the disciples wouldn't have had the full truth then either. Elijah stands for truth, but only part of it, he brings the sense of guilt, sin, inadequacy and repentance, but again, that is not enough on its own.
And if the disciples had seen all three of them, Jesus, Moses and Elijah, they would have walked back down the mountain with Moses to teach truth, Elijah to give power, and Jesus to teach compassion, and would have in effect, been trying to bring best of faiths together. But as he said, that wouldn't necessarily work. In the world today, people sometimes try to combine multiple different faiths from around the world and bring them together, but again, that's not the whole truth either.
Which is why the disciples looked up and saw ONLY JESUS. Because in Jesus we see Moses bringing 10 commandments, but Jesus saying that the most important commandment of all is to love God with all our hearts. We see a bit of Elijah, but Elijah's job, as John the Baptist, was to point forwards to Jesus. As he said, once you get to destination, don't need the signposts anymore.
Jesus doesn't need anyone else. He came down the mountain with the disciples as the answer to their fears, and would soon be their Saviour, and give them hope. He was the man who lived with men, who didn't condemn them for failing to live up to God's standards, and brought them love and compassion, showing them that they were sinners but that they could be forgiven. Jesus came down the mountain to everyday life, to die for us.
And as he said, we need Jesus to come down from that mountain to be with us in our everyday lives. We need to focus on Jesus. Jesus has been there and understands, but even better, He understands with power over death and demons. The power to save us.
We then prayed together, and then, before we took communion, we sang this most beautiful hymn, which really hammered home exactly what Jesus did for us.
When I Survey The Wondrous Cross
So when I took communion, I asked Jesus to forgive my sins, and thanked Him for dying on the cross for me. Wow.
As I just wrote that, the words to the first verse of the hymn 'Amazing Love' by Graham Kendrick came back into my mind ...
My Lord, what love is this
That pays so dearly
That I, the guilty one
May go free!
Thank you Jesus!
I'll leave you for now with the Text of the Week from the Church pamphlet:
"Oh god, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." Psalm 63 v 1-2.
Shine Jesus Shine
Because the theme of the morning was Seeing Jesus, one lady and her son came up to talk about one way in which they've seen Jesus in their lives. The little boy is profoundly deaf, and was born without cochlears, and there is nothing which can be done to allow him to hear at all, and yet, he recently astounded his speech therapist by being able to say the word 'Hello'!!! His mother showed us a little video of her son saying 'Hello', and oh, when I heard his little voice, I couldn't hold back the tears. As his mother said, it's their own little miracle.
Once the kids had gone through to KatCh, the main service was led by one of the male Church leaders, and again, his sermon focused on 'Seeing Jesus'.
He said that we can see Jesus in the bread and wine of communion, in our daily walk with God, in other Christians around us, and also that Mother Theresa talked about seeing Jesus in the poor.
He then moved on to talk about when people in the Bible saw Jesus, and we read from Matthew 17, when Peter, James and John went up a mountain with Jesus and saw Jesus' 'transfiguration' (to change form), when his face shone like the sun and his clothes were dazzling white. They also saw Jesus talking to Moses and Elijah, and were terrified when they heard God's voice saying that Jesus is His Son, with whom He is pleased. The disciples closed their eyes in fear, but when Jesus told them not to be afraid, they opened their eyes and saw only Jesus.
The verse that he particularly wanted us to focus on was the one where it says that when the disciples looked up, they saw ONLY JESUS. And he said that if we want to follow Jesus effectively, we too need to see ONLY JESUS - we need to have a clear picture of what he's like and what he calls us to do.
The pieces of the puzzle really fell into place for me when he explained that we need to see Jesus as the man who is like us, who knows us and understands us; and we need to see God as God who is unlimited. If God were just like man, He would be limited, no better than us; and if Jesus were just God, He would be too big, immeasurably powerful and great, but too big for us. Jesus bridges the gap between man and God.
Thank you Jesus!
He then talked about just how important it was that the disciples saw ONLY JESUS after He had touched them and told them not to be afraid. He said that if the disciples had looked up and seen nobody, then ... well, they would have just come down the mountain with a story to tell, not knowing whether what they'd seen was real, and not having any proof. It would just have been an experience.
If they had seen only Moses when they'd looked up, they would have been impressed by the great man of history who had seen and spoken to God face to face, a man whose faith was all about what he DID for God. And if they had followed Moses' example, then maybe places, people and activities would seem more important than God Himself. If we focus only on what we do for God, and how we do it, then we are missing the point, we're not getting the whole story.
If they had seen only Elijah, the prophet who was full of power and miracles and prophesies, who challenged tradition, and was happy to be very isolated, on his own, then the disciples wouldn't have had the full truth then either. Elijah stands for truth, but only part of it, he brings the sense of guilt, sin, inadequacy and repentance, but again, that is not enough on its own.
And if the disciples had seen all three of them, Jesus, Moses and Elijah, they would have walked back down the mountain with Moses to teach truth, Elijah to give power, and Jesus to teach compassion, and would have in effect, been trying to bring best of faiths together. But as he said, that wouldn't necessarily work. In the world today, people sometimes try to combine multiple different faiths from around the world and bring them together, but again, that's not the whole truth either.
Which is why the disciples looked up and saw ONLY JESUS. Because in Jesus we see Moses bringing 10 commandments, but Jesus saying that the most important commandment of all is to love God with all our hearts. We see a bit of Elijah, but Elijah's job, as John the Baptist, was to point forwards to Jesus. As he said, once you get to destination, don't need the signposts anymore.
Jesus doesn't need anyone else. He came down the mountain with the disciples as the answer to their fears, and would soon be their Saviour, and give them hope. He was the man who lived with men, who didn't condemn them for failing to live up to God's standards, and brought them love and compassion, showing them that they were sinners but that they could be forgiven. Jesus came down the mountain to everyday life, to die for us.
And as he said, we need Jesus to come down from that mountain to be with us in our everyday lives. We need to focus on Jesus. Jesus has been there and understands, but even better, He understands with power over death and demons. The power to save us.
We then prayed together, and then, before we took communion, we sang this most beautiful hymn, which really hammered home exactly what Jesus did for us.
When I Survey The Wondrous Cross
So when I took communion, I asked Jesus to forgive my sins, and thanked Him for dying on the cross for me. Wow.
As I just wrote that, the words to the first verse of the hymn 'Amazing Love' by Graham Kendrick came back into my mind ...
My Lord, what love is this
That pays so dearly
That I, the guilty one
May go free!
Thank you Jesus!
I'll leave you for now with the Text of the Week from the Church pamphlet:
"Oh god, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." Psalm 63 v 1-2.
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