Alpha Course - Holy Spirit Day

After a two week break, we had two Alpha Course sessions in three days this week!

We had our normal Thursday session, which focused on why and how we should read the Bible, which was very educational. When we were watching the DVD of Nicky Gumbel's lesson, he spoke about a deeply personal issue he prayed about.

For the privacy of the person involved, I won't say who makes his words especially relevant to me at this time, but lets just say that there's been someone close to me that I've been praying for recently, because they are going through an incredibly tough time, and they aren't sure of their beliefs at all. And I'm worried about them, and what will happen to them if they pass away without coming to know Jesus.

This was something I'd never spoken aloud about, but it was something I've been worrying a lot about, especially this week, and something I've been praying silently about, not even with words most of the time, just thoughts and feelings.

And so when Nicky Gumbel spoke about losing his father before his father had come to know Jesus, and worrying about whether his father was with God, I was very shocked. It was just such an incredibly appropriate message for me. And Nicky Gumbel got his answer too. When he was reading the Bible, he found Acts 2, verse 21: "And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

And at the same time, his wife, Pippa, said to him that she had been reading her Bible, and had found a message for Nicky about his father in Romans 10, verse 13: "For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

And when he saw this message twice more in quick succession (one of which I believe was on a large sign outside a church), he acknowledged and accepted his message from God, that his father had called on the name of the Lord, and had been saved. :o)

Nicky sharing his story was a great great comfort to me this week.

Thank you Jesus!

And then today, well, yesterday technically, but Saturday 17th April, anyway ...

First of all, I want to just say that this past week has pretty much been all about prayer. The hymn What a Friend We Have in Jesus has been on my mind all week, repeating in my head, and it has reminded me to keep praying, to leave all my worries in Jesus' hands.

The lines of the hymn which particularly spoke to me were:

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

And

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

I think those words have been in my head as a message, to remind me to keep praying, to keep relying on Jesus during this week.

And why is this week so scary? Because this week is a big, big week for my Dad. He was admitted to hospital on 6th April, and he started his high-dose BEAM chemotherapy on 8th April.

By Sunday 11th April, he wasn't doing very well. His temperature had shot up to 39degC, and he had severe vomiting and diarrhoea. He was started on intravenous antibiotics, and anti-emetics to try and stop the vomiting, but even now, a week later, he is very nauseous and can't speak on the phone for more than a few minutes before he's completely exhausted and fighting not to vomit.

And today, when I spoke to him during the Alpha Course lunchbreak, he told me that tonight, they were going to fit a nasogastric tube into him, because although he's not vomiting as often now, he's still barely eaten anything over the past week.

I knew that this chemo was going to hit him hard, worse than any of the others ever have, and I know that now he's had his stem cell transplant, he is incredibly vulnerable and his health is very fragile. But I also know that this is all being done for a good reason, because they are hoping that this last, ginormous mountain of treatment will either put Dad into remission for a long time, or completely cure his cancer. Something that we could barely even hope for a year ago. And so I am very grateful that he has been given this opportunity.

But it doesn't stop me worrying. Both the chemo and the stem cell transplant are so very risky, with so many awful side effects, and it's so hard to know Dad is suffering so much right now. And so I have been praying, praying, praying, praying, and praying some more. Sunday I spent most of the day just praying over and over. And the function of praying, by being able to ask for help for my Dad, and for my Mum, was a huge comfort. Feeling as if I was doing something to help, even though I'm 300 miles away from them right now.

And it wasn't just me praying. I texted my Christian friends, and put a request on my Facebook status, asking people to pray, and so my Dad was lifted up in prayer by more than just me. And it got my Dad, my Mum and me through the day. And through all the days since then.

And what with praying, and with reading my Bible every night, and going to two Alpha Course sessions, Jesus has felt very close this week. I was especially comforted when I read this verse in John 14, verse 14: "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." Just another reminder for me to keep praying!

And today seemed to be the culmination of this week of being closer to Jesus than ever before.

Holy Spirit Day

Because this was a day-long session, we spent it at the house of another family from our church, where they had two function rooms set out for us, and a beautiful garden for us to sit in for a lot of the gloriously sunny day.

Adrian and the kids dropped me off at the house for 10 am, and we all got together for a coffee first, myself and my fellow course-members, our usual hosts for our Thursday evening sessions, and the Reverend, who is our course leader. I'd brought all my worship songs CDs with me (my own 'Songs 4 Worship' double CD, and the double CD of worship songs I've been sent (The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!), and two new CDs of worship songs (You Are My Passion, and Heart of the Father) that I was sent recently, which I only opened on Friday afternoon!

After our coffee in the downstairs function room which was like our dining room, we went up to the other function room, which was like our school room for the day. We had three sections of our Alpha Course handbook to get through, the first of which was 'Who Is The Holy Spirit?'

Through reading the Bible, and singing some worship songs, we were able to learn that the Holy Spirit was involved in creation, and then came upon particular people (such as Gideon, Samson, Bezalel and Isaiah) at particular times, for particular tasks (such as leadership, strength, artistic work and prophecy). We also learned that He was promised by the Father, and was linked with Jesus through John the Baptist. And we also learned that Jesus predicted His presence, and that at Pentecost, all the disciples were filled with the Spirit; and that God has promised to give His Spirit to every Christian.

We then went downstairs for a short break, and we all stood outside in the warm, sunny garden and chatted, and then it was decided that we'd hold the next part of our day in the garden, which was a fantastic idea! To sit in the wonders of God's creation as we focused on Him was such a gift.

The second part of the day focused on 'What Does The Holy Spirit Do?' and we sang some more fabulous worship songs, right there in the garden, just the eight of us, before sitting down with our Bibles again and learning about the Spirit.

We broke for lunch shortly afterwards, and had a delicious meal together. I was spoilt with some yummy wheat-free biscuits, a vegetarian wheat-free bean chilli and jacket potato, and then fruit salad with cream. After lunch we had a small amount of free time, and so I took the opportunity to phone my Dad and see how he was doing. It was then that I found out about the ng tube feeding they had planned for tonight, and I knew that he really wasn't happy about it. So when I got off the phone, I spent some more time in prayer for him. He asked me not to phone him again today (he gets exhausted when he talks on the phone, and is at his worst in the evenings), so I don't know how that went, but I'll find out tomorrow.

When we started our session again after lunch, we sat out in the garden again, and learned about what happens after someone has been filled with the Holy Spirit, and the different fruits and gifts given by the Holy Spirit. We read from the Bible again, and at one point, split up into two small groups to further discuss the gifts of the Holy Spirit, in order to better understand them.

When it was time to move on to the third session of the day, 'How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit', after a quick coffee break, we moved back upstairs to the 'school room'. We kicked off the session with some worship songs, and I chose 'Shout to the Lord', by Darlene Zschech, which we all sang together, and then we listened to C and F's choice, 'Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord' by Paul Baloche, and F shared a prayer for us, and for the world.

We learned more about how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, by belief and by asking to be filled, and the Reverend and one of the Alpha hosts shared about when they were filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time. We also had to think about which of the ways of being filled (the Bible describes it in various ways, being breathed on, the laying on of hands, becoming 'drunk' with the spirit like drinking it in, etc) and think of which way best spoke to us.

And at the time, the one which spoke to me most was being 'breathed on'. I think at the time, it was because when the Reverend demonstrated a breath, the expression on his face stirred something in me. But now, looking back, it seems odd that as the parent of two children with lung conditions, I chose the one which involved breathing. That literally has only just occurred to me as I'm typing.

Then we all stood up to pray together, and the Reverend suggested that we pray with our hands in a receiving gesture. So we all stood there, with our hands folded and cupped in front of us, eyes closed, and ... well, it's hard to describe it really, but I felt ... sort of switched on. Aware. But not aware of the room, or particularly of the other people in it, but of myself. Not of my body, but of ... me. The inner me. And of God.

The words don't really describe the feeling, and I'm sure I'm not explaining it properly, but ... wow.

I just felt incredibly focused.

At first, the Reverend prayed and we listened and agreed silently, then the Alpha host, B, prayed, and again, we listened, and then they played some worship songs while we prayed silently ourselves. And that's when I really focused.

Music just does something to me. As I said a little later on, to my fellow course members, music is my key to God. It switches me on, and speaks to me in a way that words alone can't always do. It speaks directly to my heart and moves me so strongly that it takes my breath away and often brings me to tears. That song that I chose today, 'Shout to the Lord' by Darlene Zschech, I was playing it in the car after church a few weeks ago, and I ended up crying as we drove home, because the words just spoke to me so strongly.

And so when they started playing the worship songs during our time of prayer, my focus was so much sharper. I was praying so hard, praying to Jesus, asking Him to fill me with His Spirit, to show me the way, to lead me as a Christian, and to help me to be a good Christian, and all of a sudden, as I heard the Reverend starting to move around our circle and pray in front of each person, individually, my head got away from me and took over it's own prayer, sort of unconsciously, and I started praying 'I love you Jesus! I love you Jesus! You ARE my Lord!' in my head, faster and faster, until I had to stop and take a breath before I floated away. I felt as if my upper body was stretched, standing taller, more alive.

Tears started pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. It wasn't like when words, prayers, sermons or songs have affected me before over the past few months, where I've quickly stopped what I'm doing, 'broken the connection' and hidden my tears, I knew these were good tears, and that no-one in the room would mind me crying them, and so I let them flow. I can feel them in my eyes again now as I'm typing.

I listened as the Reverend prayed with the people next to me, their own individual prayers just for them, talking about them, the challenges they've overcome and their strengths and weaknesses, and hearing their prayers affected me so strongly. Everyone had their own unique prayer, and the words were so perfect. So perfect.

When it got to my turn, I was already feeling so ... I was going to say overwhelmed, but I wasn't overwhelmed, I was ... full? Full up? Full to the brim? I don't know, I can't describe it, but when it was my turn to be prayed for, I was a little scared/nervous about how I would feel, because I was already experiencing such strong emotions.

And my prayer was perfect for me too. He prayed for my family's health, for my friends, and for my own health, and prayed that my family, which seems to have had more than it's fair share of health problems, would be helped and strengthened. And he prayed for me and my journey.

And the tears flowed yet again. But again, it was okay. More than okay.

After a pause to allow everyone to ... reflect? Calm down? I don't know, but anyway, after a short while, we joined hands and prayed again together, for ourselves and each other, before we closed the session for the day, and I finally hunted out some tissues from my handbag.

We came out of the house into the beautiful sunshine again, and each of us agreed that we all felt different. We were all changed this afternoon in some way. And we felt closer as a group. I couldn't feel any of the usual awkwardness or embarrassment I usually feel, and I feel bonded to our group of what used to be total strangers until February, and semi-strangers until today.

And I do feel different still. I feel lighter inside. I feel closer to God. And I am in no doubt that God does exist, and that He loves me.

Thank you Jesus!

And I can't wait for church in the morning!

Easter Sunday

Praise the Lord!

Today is the day!!!

Today Jesus won his victory over death, and rose from the grave!

Alleluia!

I was feeling a little lost this morning, because we are so far away from the fantastic church Seren and I now call 'our' church, and I was worried about how I'd feel going to the CofW (Church of Wales, like Church of England) Church my Mum currently attends, for the Easter Sunday service.

So while I was getting ready for Church, I was playing some of my worship songs on my mp3 player, and then while I was doing Seren's hair, I was singing one of my favourite Easter hymns to her. It's a hymn I sang a few times at my original Baptist church, but it was one I never forgot. It wasn't often sung, but it had a huge impact on me, and I would have loved to have heard it again, so I was singing it to Seren.

And then I quickly said a prayer. "Lord, I want to praise You on this most special of days, the day You conquered death, but I'm nervous about going to this new church, because I know it'll be so different from the Baptist church I love. Help me to feel Your presence, even in this different church, let me know that You are there." And that was when I had the idea. I asked Jesus to show me that He was there by having my favourite Easter hymn as one of the hymns for the day.

I didn't really think it would be, in all honesty, because I haven't heard it in years, at least 15 years I'm sure, so I didn't think it was very well-known or popular. So I told myself that if it wasn't one of the hymns today, I wouldn't be too disappointed.

So. We went to the church. And it was a very alien service. Lots of repetition and reading from booklets and unfamiliar hymns. I was trying my best to find the message in the service, and to feel connected to God, but it wasn't happening much at first.

The best bits were a) the sermon, which wasn't stuffy at all, in contrast to the whole first section of the service, and b) the tiny baby getting baptised mid-service, which Seren really enjoyed seeing. But apart from that, I was feeling pretty lost and disconnected. So I kept praying, and kept missing 'our' church, because I bet they had a fabulous service today.

Towards the end of the service, they had communion. Only for those baptised, which I'm not, yet. But those who weren't able to have communion could have a blessing, so Seren and I went up and knelt at the altar for a blessing.

While we were being blessed, they were singing a hymn which I knew a little, which was encouraging, and so when we sat down, I sang the rest of that hymn. When the introduction for the next hymn started, I froze in shock. It sounded awfully like the introduction to my hymn!

So I grabbed up my hymn book, scrabbled to the right page, and stared in disbelief at the words to my favourite hymn!

THEY WERE SINGING IT!!!!!!!!!!

And here it is:

Led Like a Lamb to the Slaughter, by Graham Kendrick

Tears sprang to my eyes, and I said a fervent prayer of thanks to the Lord, right then and there, before kissing Seren on the forehead and telling her that Jesus WAS there, right there with us, that He'd given me my sign!

Even though it was mostly the choir singing, rather than the congregation, of whom probably only half were singing, I was BELTING OUT that song with a heart full of joy! When I needed it the very very most, Jesus gave me the hugest sign I could ever wish for, on his Re-Birthday!

And I immediately went from worrying that I was going to leave the service as hungry for the Lord as when I went in, I was suddenly feeling just as close to Him as I do at any of 'our' church services!

Thank you Jesus!