Finding My Way Back Into The Fold

Alpha, Church Membership, Worshipping

2010-11-19T23:40:00.003Z

It's been an eventful couple of months!

Alpha has been going really well! We had five people for our first session, plus myself and the leaders, and we had a really social evening, sharing a meal together and getting to know each other. We had one person drop out a little way through, so now we have three or four at each session, depending on circumstances, and things are working out really well. I think it being a little group is working well for the individuals who are in it, and we're all gelling together really well.

We've completed five weeks of the course so far, and we also took a break for a week to have a 'Film Night', where we watched an incredibly uplifting, inspiring and educational documentary on the life of George Mueller, called the Robber of the Cruel Streets. If you haven't seen it, I would definitely recommend it as an example of how to truly live your life by faith alone.

We are also planning for our upcoming Holy Spirit Day. We have yet to decide whether to try and fit it in before Christmas, or wait until January, and whether to split it over two days, to be more convenient for those of us with children at school, whether to fit it all into one day, or whether to go away for a Holy Spirit weekend.

In addition to helping out at Alpha, I have also been attending House Group every other week, and we had a fantastic Fun, Food and Fireworks Night on Bonfire Night, held at one of the leaders' houses! We all brought friends with us from the local community, and absolutely everyone had a fantastic time, and it was really great to see new connections being made!

And, I've had my interview for church membership! Because the church I attend has closed membership, it means that I had to apply separately for church membership after being baptised. So a few weeks ago, two members of my House Group popped round one morning for a chat and did my interview, and they're hoping that I will be welcomed into church membership very soon! We're hoping that the two people I was baptised with will be welcomed in on the same day, which would be lovely!

And ... I have been asked to sing with the worship group!!!

On 31st October, after the morning service, one of the church leaders spoke to me and said that they'd heard that I can sing! I laughed, and said that I certainly enjoy singing, and used to sing with a folk band, and have been told that I can sing, but whether I'm any good or not is up to the listener, I guess!

I was very pleasantly surprised when he asked me to consider singing with the worship group on a Sunday, and/or to consider playing a piece on my clarinet during the Christmas celebrations! I said I'd go away and think about it, and pray about it, and so I did.

That very night, my reading in my Cover to Cover book was about the temple Solomon built, and about ... the Temple Musicians! Oh so very appropriate! I love how even though the book was printed several years ago, it is still relevant specifically to my daily life, as if it was written just for me! No matter what is happening at the time, there is almost always a message or a teaching of some kind in my daily readings.

I thought about it some more, and prayed about it some more, and two weeks later, I was thinking that I had better get back to the church leader about his offer, and so before reading my Bible that night, I prayed again about my decision. The reading was from 1 Kings 8, and 2 Chronicles 5, about the dedication of the temple, and at first, I wasn't particularly struck by what I read as an answer to my prayer, until I got to the section 'for thought and contemplation'.

It said: "God required not only that the temple be built for Him but also dedicated to Him. Dedication goes further than hoping God will accept what we offer - it gathers up those hopes in a distinct and definite commitment. Don't just hope God will use you - dedicate your talents to him - now." Taken from Cover to Cover, by Selwyn Hughes & Trevor J Partridge.

Wow!

That was me told, eh?!

So on Sunday morning, I found one of the members of the worship group, and accepted their offer! :o) And then I had yet another shock, as she invited me to sing with them this coming Sunday!!!

Despite the butterflies in my tummy, I said yes, and so this Sunday, God willing, I will be up there at the front of the church, behind a microphone with two other singers and the band, singing:

How Great Thou Art
Hosanna
Who Is There Like You?
Everlasting God (Strength Will Rise)
Knowing You (All I Once Held Dear)

I'm praying that God will fill me with His Spirit, and help me to give Him glory and praise as I worship Him with song!

Changing, Growing, Learning

2010-09-23T11:39:00.003+01:00

My apologies for the break in blogging, but to be honest, not too much happened over the summer, although a lot has happened over the past few weeks of September. Just to update you a little ...

1) I am continuing to attend church every Sunday with Seren, and we love worshipping and learning there.

2) Both Seren and Dylan loved going to Holiday Bible Club, aka Rocky's Plaice in August.

3) Seren and Dylan have discovered the joys of Veggie Tales and now Dylan especially loves to watch his 3 Veggie Tales DVDs!

4) I'm still waiting to hear more about becoming a church member, which is something I am really looking forward to.

5) I'm still working through my 'Cover to Cover' book, reading the Bible in 365 days. Last night I read Day 100, so I'm in the middle of 1 Samuel, reading about David and Goliath.

6) I've joined a local house group, which I went to for the first time on the 14th of this month, as the house groups closed for August, and so that was the first time I was able to go. It's not the same as the one I tried before, way back at the beginning of this blog, as all the house groups have been re-organised and re-shuffled, and so I have just joined a new group, and I absolutely love it. We're the only local house group which has a time of worship with worship songs, as well as prayer time and Bible study time, and we have some really fun things planned for the coming months, like a fireworks party in November, and carol singing in December. It's also a real mix of ages, which is fantastic.

7) And I have also been learning and growing as a Christian, learning to truly depend on God, and to take everything to Jesus when I'm scared or worried, and I've been working on learning from the Bible verse I was given at my baptism, about no longer being a slave to fear.

Let me explain a little.

I went to the GP recently to get some of my many moles checked, and he thought one might be cancerous. I then had an anxious nine day wait to see the dermatologist at the hospital, and in that time, I learned so very much about myself and my faith. While waiting for my appointment, I was so very scared, and I was letting myself be a slave to my almost overwhelming fear, but when I went to my first house group meeting, everything changed.

The whole evening was about Psalm 100, about praising God, and when some of the people started discussing how to praise God when things aren't going well, the message was so very personal. And I am so very pleased that despite being scared, and having no idea what the outcome of the dermatology appointment would be, I was still able to go to church on the Sunday before and praise God with all my heart. And I did the same at the house group two days later, even though I did get a little overwhelmed by my emotions, which led to me getting a bit tearful.

But everyone was so caring, and during prayer time, every member of the group stood round me, laid hands on me, and prayed for me, and during the worship time, one of the members received a word ...

Peace.

I've had that word before. Back when Seren was really unwell, and I received my own words while at church one Sunday evening when I was desperately praying for healing for her. Not yet. Peace.

And I tell you, I left that house group meeting feeling so very blessed. I felt at peace, and that peace lasted all that evening, all the next day, and right up until I walked into the dermatology department at the hospital. And even then, I was fairly calm. I was concerned that I might not be able to cope, because I was almost physically sick with fear at the doctors surgery when I went to get my moles checked, and that night I had awful stomach cramps, and a splitting headache the following day, so I really wasn't handling my fear well at all.

But at the hospital, I just needed to take a few deep breaths, and I was fine. And even on the way to the hospital, I was analysing how I was feeling, and do you know how I felt? Right then, when I was on the way to the hospital to find out if whether my mole might be cancerous?

Blessed.

The night before my appointment, I stood in the shower, singing worship songs and thanking God for my life. For my family, for everyone who loves me, for the friends and family who were lifting me up in prayer, and for Jesus dying to save me on the cross.

And I felt the same on the way to the hospital. No matter what the outcome of the appointment might be, at that moment I felt blessed, because I could literally feel the support and love and prayers of those who love me.

And I never would have expected to feel that way.

God is GOOD!!!

And when I got to the hospital? It was good news! The dermatologist isn't concerned about any of my moles right now! They did photograph the one the GP was concerned about, and they have made me another appointment for 6 months time to re-check that mole for any changes, but for now, they're not concerned! WOOO HOOO!!!

Thank you Lord!!!

How much did I love spreading good news that afternoon?!?!? And the joy with which everyone received the news just confirmed how blessed I truly am.

Afterwards, Adrian said that if I'd had an earlier appointment, I would have saved all that worry and wondering and waiting, but I am glad that things worked out that way. God's timing is perfect, and I learned so very much about myself and my faith in those nine days. I learned that I can praise God through the bad times without losing my faith, I learned that I don't have to be a slave to fear, that I can give it all to Jesus and allow Him to help me, and I learned how blessed I am to have people who love me and want me to be well, and are willing to pray for me.

As I said. I learned a lot.

And even now, when the drama of the mole scare is in the past, I am still struggling a lot with anxiety. I have spoken to the childrens' CF psychologist about it, and she said it's very natural to have that anxiety at this point, having been through so much in the last few years, losing my grandfather to cancer, my Dad having his cancer battle for 2 1/2 years (Oh, how could I forget! He is now IN REMISSION!!!!!!!! He got his good news exactly a week before I went to the GP about my mole. I thank God every day for curing my Dad's cancer!), the kids and their health problems, our high stress life. Apparently anxiety is normal in my situation.

So every time I remember the word the woman received at house group a week and a half ago, I think of the word Peace, and it calms me. It reminds me that God gives me peace. That I don't have to be a slave to fear any longer. That word is so very powerful for me. Peace. I can't describe it, but that word speaks to my soul.

8) And lastly, around the same time as my mole scare was getting started, I was invited to help out on the upcoming Alpha Course. As you have probably read, I did the Alpha Course myself last time, and absolutely LOVED it, and after spending all those weeks with my course buddies, then moving straight onto Discipleship course with them, then our baptisms, there was a large hole in my life when everything stopped over the summer.

So when the hosts asked me if I'd like to go back and be a helper on the upcoming course, I jumped at the chance! The chance to spend more time with the hosts and grow in my faith through their leadership; the chance to experience Alpha all over again; and the chance to (hopefully!) help others to find Jesus and hear the Good News ... well, what a privilege! And also, on a more practical level, the hosts have done so very very much for me over the course of Alpha and the Discipleship course, and so now I absolutely love having the chance to 'give back', to help them with planning the course, with greeting the guests, with clearing up afterwards and with supporting them in all their hard work.

I was honoured to be asked, because I felt there was another woman from my Alpha who would have been absolutely fantastic as the helper on this upcoming course, very eloquent and inspiring, (I am much less confident in speaking than in writing!) but this is obviously how God has planned it!

So last week, I went round to the hosts' house for a meal and the first of my training sessions, which was fascinating, and I was also able to share the good news about my hospital appointment that day. Then on Monday and Tuesday this week, I had two more training sessions, watching the training DVD as well as discussing things, praying, and also talking about the more practical aspects such as cooking etc.

Which brings us to tonight, the first night of the course!!! I am so very excited, because two of my friends are going to be on the course, and I have been praying for them, that they will be blessed by attending the course, but I'm also very nervous, I so very much want to be a great helper, supporting everyone in the right way, and I want to be led by The Spirit and for God to work through me in helping people to come to know Him.

So I've been praying about it a lot, and I'll just have to wait and see how things go!

God bless.

The Day of My Baptism

2010-07-27T00:40:00.008+01:00

What a day!!! :o)

We kicked off the day with a fantastic morning worship service, preached by one of our church's missionaries from Albania, who spoke to us about seeing the world through God's eyes, seeing the big picture, not just our little slice of the world.

The baptism pool was all set up ready, and so myself and my two friends from the Alpha Course were able to take a good look at the pool and test the temperature, and finalise the arrangements for the evening. We were all feeling a bit nervous about random bits like delivering our testimonies, being up on stage in front of the congregation and guests, and for me, I was terrified of falling down the steps into the pool, because through the water, they looked like awfully narrow steps, and I have big feet! But we were also very, very excited!

When we got home, I finalised my testimony, and got the last things ready for my friend W and her children arriving to stay with us, and then they were here!

We had a lovely afternoon together, with a party tea for the 'birthday people' (Seren on the 11th, W's son B on the 19th, and Adrian on the 20th), and then it was time to get ready for the baptism service!

It was recommended that I wear a swimming costume under my clothes, in case they floated up or anything, and so I did. I was also told not to wear white, because it goes see-through once it's wet, so I wore black trousers and a green top. And because I was going forward to be immersed, I had to tie my hair up, because otherwise I'd come up out of the water looking like Cousin Itt from the Addams Family!

W and I prayed together, once we had got everyone ready, and W also made sure that I had everything I needed, including my notes for my testimony, and then it was time to go!

I was so very excited by the time we got to the church, I just could not wait to be baptised, to be saved by God's Grace, to die to my old life and my old sins, and be reborn and washed clean!

When we first got there, we got settled in, with Adrian and the kids, and W and her children taking up an entire front row on one side, and people came up to give me cards, and I had a chat to the ministers and the two lovely people, C and C, (whose names I don't want to share without permission, but because they have the same initials, we'll call them Cr and Ca) who were being baptised with me.

Seren and Dylan taking a look at the baptism pool

At about 5.45 pm, the ministers took us through to the lounge to pray together with some of the church members, which really calmed us down and focused our minds on the Lord.

While I was away, Adrian continued to snap photos, and he took the rest of the photos during the evening too.

Adrian and Dylan, waiting for the service to begin

And then, at 6 pm, it was time!!!

The minister welcomed everyone to the service, and then we sang three worship songs together. We all chose a song each, a song which meant a lot to us, and was particularly appropriate for our baptisms, and the first was chosen by me, 'Father God I Wonder' ...

Then 'Lord I Lift Your Name On High', chosen by Cr ...

And 'There Is A Day', chosen by Ca ...

Before the service, Ca and I were saying to each other that we were nervous about trying to get through the worship and testimonies without dissolving into tears, because we both knew it was going to be an incredibly emotional time. And she teased me, saying that because I'd cried so frequently in the Alpha and Discipleship Course meetings, that I'd be first to cry, well, after Cr's wife anyway! And that Ca would cry after me.

As it turned out, she was wrong! We all felt the tears start to flow in 'There Is A Day', just as I thought they would, because that song gets me Every. Single. Time. Every single time. I can't sing it without the tears springing to my eyes, because it's message is just so precious, when it speaks about all hurt and pain ceasing, or about how the dead will be raised, never to perish again, or about how trouble is hard, but is only momentary and is achieving our future glory. It just speaks to me. To my heart. It gives me peace and hope.

I sang the first two songs at the very top of my voice, rejoicing in the packed church, filled with church members, family and friends; and in the reason for us being there; and in God's saving Grace. And when we sang 'There Is A Day', the wave of emotion crashed over us.

I say us, because when I looked across, as the tears were springing to my eyes, Ca was already wiping away tears, and Cr had decidedly red eyes too! So actually, Ca cried before all of us :o)

Not that it mattered. At first, I tried to wipe away my tears, but they just kept flowing, and so I decided to let them flow, to concentrate on singing and worshipping God, and not to hold back anything, or try to contain my feelings. It so wasn't a night for holding back, it was for shouting to the world about our love for Jesus!

I'm so grateful that the sermon came next, because if our testimonies had been straight after the worship songs, I don't think any of us would have been able to speak. The minister, B, found it difficult enough at first, delivering his first few words in a husky voice.

And it was just the perfect sermon. Speaking to us, and to those in the congregation who were lost sheep, just as we had been. Those who had lost their way, and knew something was missing, but didn't know where to turn, or how to find their way back. As I listened to it, I just knew God was working through B, and that his words were touching hearts all around the room. I could just feel the power in his words.

And then it was time. Time for our testimonies ...

We got up from our front row seats, and walked up onto the stage, and took our seats together. We were introduced, and then it was down to us ... It was time for God to work through us.

Cr gave his testimony first, and although I'd heard bits of it before, during the Discipleship Course, it was so much more powerful on the night. He never stumbled, never lost his place, he was calm, and his words were strong. He showed the way in which the Lord has been working slowly in his life, over the past ten years, bringing him this point, where he was ready to declare his love for God. And although he was clearly emotional, he was the only one of us who got through their testimony without any tears.

He sat down to applause, and then it was Ca's turn. Her testimony was amazing; witty and interesting, and heartbreakingly honest. There were points where she was unable to speak, so intense were her emotions, and from my seat behind her, I prayed for strength for her, that she would be able to continue and to give her testimony from the heart. Her children came up onto the stage with her, and comforted her, which was beautiful, and she found the strength and determination to carry on speaking, and her testimony was amazing. God's work in her life was amazing.

She sat back down to thunderous applause, and I realised that it was now my turn. I now had to stand up before the microphone, already tearful from Ca's testimony, and try to give my own, which in my head, now sounded dull and drab and uninspiring.

I'd written notes, firstly as prompts to make sure I didn't miss out any important points from the early part of my journey, and the secondly to make sure I phrased things exactly how I wanted to when I got to the later part of my journey, bringing me up to last night. So as I stood up, I unfolded my notes, said a last quick prayer (the last of many on the subject!) that God would use my testimony to bring others to Christ, and to touch the hearts which needed to be touched, and then, again, it was time!

The first thing I did when I got up there, was to make a joke. It was unintentional, and carried on from the initial joke Ca had made that she hoped everyone could hear her, because she was taller than Cr. My joke was that I was even taller, by far, and so I hoped that everyone could hear me too ...

Giving my testimony, barefoot

And then I looked around at the sea of faces staring at me from the packed pews, and I jumped in, feet first. Not into the baptism pool, of course, although we did joke that if I slipped when I was getting into the pool, I'd end up a) baptising myself, and b) causing a mini tidal wave as I fell; but jumped feet first into my testimony.

I started off by giving my name, and saying that I was originally from South Wales, and that's where I pretty much scrapped my speech. From then on, God took over, and totally re-worded a lot of it. I don't remember 100% of my speech (although I will be able to see it on video soon, and hope to share it on here too), but I remember saying that my life started off pretty well, that I was dedicated into the baptist church, and that I very much loved attending Sunday School and was active in church and proud of it.

Then I moved on to the tough times, talking about moving to Suffolk and getting married, falling pregnant with Seren, and then said about her being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis.

And, although I had expected to become emotional and/or tearful during my testimony, I totally didn't expect it to be then. The very first time I said the words cystic fibrosis. But I did. My throat locked, the tears flooded my eyes, and I couldn't go on. I remember looking up to the ceiling, and praying for strength, for enough peace to carry on, to deliver my testimony.

And I did. With a lot of tears (and unfortunately, a lot of sniffing, which didn't sound too great echoing around the church with surround sound!), a lot of emotion, and a lot of strength from the Lord, I did it.

I spoke about the tough times we've weathered, how Adrian got me through my severe post natal depression, how unbelievably angry I was, how I let that come between me and the Lord, and how, when Seren guided us to our new church, I had to let God break down all those barriers, I had to let God help me smash down that wall of anger. And I spoke about the love I've felt from our church, the welcome they gave me, the welcome God gave me, and the way they have nurtured my newly re-awoken faith so that it didn't just blossom under their care, it absolutely exploded.

And then I totally forgot my script and just let my love for the Lord overflow. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I know it was to do with how thankful I was to be there last night, to be able to show just how much I love my God.

I can't tell you more than that, because as I said, I can't remember all that I said. I have no idea how long my testimony was, or whether I spoke anywhere near eloquently (although it would seem that it was at least intelligible!), and I know that I didn't say all that I planned to say. But what I said was exactly what God wanted me to say. And that's how I wanted it. I didn't want to just read off a piece of paper. I wanted God right in the thick of things, helping me. And He was. It was my testimony, but with a lot of help from the Lord.

Maybe I looked silly, and maybe when I see the video of my testimony I'll cringe or blush. I don't know. All I know is that my testimony was 100% real at the time, 100% heartfelt, and remembering now just how I felt, standing up there and feeling God at work, feeling God's presence so strongly ... IT WAS PERFECT. It was how it was meant to be.

I wish the 'Me of mid 2009' could see the 'Me of mid 2010', that they could meet. How very, very different they would be. Rock bottom to the top of the world in such a short time. And not because life's perfect now, because it's not. But because Jesus is back in my life, and He makes my life worth living, worth being totally alive, worth feeling with all of my heart, worth not holding back in fear of being hurt. Worth trusting, trusting in God.

And then, after I'd sat back down to my own applause, and Ca had lent me her tissue to mop up my many tears, it was time for the most important part. Our baptisms!

Cr went first, followed by Ca, and then me ...

I was helped into the pool by the lady who helps the ladies who are being baptised, and by B, and I didn't fall in, YAY! The steps were actually a lot wider than they looked through the rippling water!

The water was beautifully warm, and with every step I took down into the pool, I could feel how incredibly buoyant the water was as it rushed up the legs of my trousers. I had to push hard to get my feet down onto the steps, and when I reached the bottom of the pool and stood between B and D, the ministers, I had to work hard to keep my balance and keep my feet on the bottom of the pool!

First of all, I was given my own personal Bible verse, chosen for me by the church ...

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption. Whereby we say, "Abba Father"." Romans 8, verse 15.

Isn't it the perfect verse? I was indeed a slave to fear before I opened my heart to the Lord again in December 2009. Fear had completely dominated my life since the moment we found out, at 22 weeks pregnant, that Seren was at risk of having cystic fibrosis. But as my verse says, I'm no longer a slave to fear. And I love that it says that I received the Spirit of adoption, because the very words of the song I chose for the service, 'Father God I Wonder', says 'But now I am your child, I am adopted in your family,'. I'm now officially a member of God's Church in the World!

After receiving my verse, I stood between the ministers and confessed my faith in Jesus ...

And then, as they said that on my confession of faith, and with my consent, they baptised me in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, on the word 'Spirit', I went under. I was being baptised going forwards, so I was prepared, with my hands crossed before me, and my right hand holding my nose, and under I went.

The water hit my face and it was beautifully warm, and as I went under, I felt my feet sliding backwards as my body tried to float, and I had to work to keep my feet under me, and after some moments, I then felt B and D grip my arms and pull me back up.

They gave me a moment to right myself and clear the water from my face, and then they held me again, placing their hands on my head and baptising me with the Holy Spirit. I opened my heart to the Holy Spirit, and I felt such incredible peace wash over me.

Receiving the Holy Spirit

And then I heard B and D blessing me, and B helped me out of the pool, into the waiting arms of my friend W, who was holding my towel for me, and I was just BURSTING with joy!!! I can't describe the joy that absolutely overwhelmed me!

See my Welsh flag towel? I wore it for my parents, because they weren't able to be there, and the lovely W made sure it was the right way up as she gave it to me!

Seren and Dylan came up to hug me as well, which was a precious moment, and then B, D, Cr, Ca and myself went out to the changing rooms to get dried and dressed. It was lovely to be able to talk to Ca as we changed in the cubicles, to have someone to re-live the experience with, and Ca told me that my testimony really touched her, especially at the end when I told the church how much I love my God. I told her that that bit was totally unplanned, unscripted, off the cuff and from the heart, and she said that it was the best bit! :o)

We got changed as quickly as we could, and then we all went back into the church together as the congregation finished singing a few more worship songs, and we took our places back on the stage. D then invited members of the congregation up to pray for us, and my two lovely local friends who had come to the service came up onto the stage to pray with us, and we all just prayed together in the Spirit. It was amazing to hear the voices mingling around us as they prayed for us and for our spiritual journeys.

We then returned to our seats in the front rows of the congregation and we sang another song together ...

Shine Jesus Shine, by Graham Kendrick

To be honest, I don't even remember singing this song, I just remember standing there and worshipping God. And I remember sitting down again to listen to the minister speaking, again giving his message of welcome to those who may be lost, and inviting people to join him on the next Alpha Course. At this point, I had Dylan snuggled up to me, and W's youngest son sitting on my lap, snuggled up to me, and life was perfect. We stood up again for the benediction, and then that was it! The service was over!

As soon as the service was finished, I was surrounded by people coming up to me and hugging me and congratulating me and telling me how much they had loved my testimony, and saying how my words had touched them. :o) I have no idea how many pairs of arms hugged me, but it was a lot. My friends, my family, the congregation, the ministers, and the family and friends of my fellow 'new faithfuls'. :o)

We stayed in the church for quite a while, hugging and talking and hearing people's stories of their own baptisms and journeys; and, incredibly excitingly, Ja, one of the people I did the Alpha Course with, came over to me and said that she had felt led to invite me to join her House Group! And of course, I immediately said yes!!!

I know a few people in her House Group already, B, who baptised me, his wife Ji, and Ja, who invited me. I've already been to her house for a barbecue, and I'd heard how fantastic their House Group is, and longed to join it, so to be invited was wonderful!

Then I quickly dashed to grab my wet things so that Adrian could put them in the car, rounded up the incredibly over-excited (and in Dylan's case, over-stimulated and sensory-overloaded) children, and made our way through to the hall for tea and cakes.

And the ladies of the church gave me this beautiful bouquet of flowers ...

The party time in the hall passed in a blur, as I was ever so hot, and ever so thirsty, and I talked to so very many people, and I was trying to juggle my bouquet of flowers, my cup of coffee, and one of the delicious gluten free cupcakes which the lovely Ca had made.

We mingled for a while, while trying to keep one over-tired and tearful eight year old who tipped a cup of tea all down herself happy, and trying to keep one over-stimulated and overwhelmed nearly six year old under control, and then we admitted defeat, and Adrian took the kids back to the car to rest while I finished talking to everyone.

So many people came up to me and told me how much they had loved hearing my testimony, and one lady told me that she was really touched by it, and confided about her own faith-related struggles, and how she was aching to feel God in her life the way I did. I wish now, looking back, I'd told her about how I felt a year ago, but then, of course, she heard in my testimony about how far from God I was a relatively short time ago.

I also spoke to my local friends, who were also both touched by my testimony, and felt God calling to them. One friend went home with a copy of the Holy Bible, which the church gladly gave to her, and both friends, along with the woman I mentioned above, have said that they would like to take part in the next Alpha Course! HOW fantastic is that??? I am so very, very happy for them! I will be praying for them, and for their journeys, and it would be great if any readers could pray for them too.

And then it was time to bid the last few people in the hall goodbye, and to make my way out to the car. When we got home, I did the childrens' treatments, and once they were in bed, and Adrian had gone out for a run (he's still working hard at his training for the Fylde Coast Marathon in February 2011), W and I sat down in the relative peace and quiet, to let the events of the evening sink in a little.

I phoned my mother, and spoke to her to let her know all that had happened during the evening, and then I opened the cards and gifts people had given me ...

My cards

And my gifts: 3 Max Lucado books in 1 volume, from W; 'Walking With God In Quiet Places' from my parents; the 'Cross in my Pocket' from my parents on behalf of my grandparents; and from one of my local friends, the book of Joy, and some very pretty cross earrings with rainbows painted on them!

It was such an incredible evening.

Looking back, if I didn't have the photos, I don't know if it would feel real. Even looking at the photos, it seems almost dream-like. I think because it was such an emotional and spiritual experience, rather than a physical experience, seeing the physical evidence of it is rather weird! Because I don't remember a lot physically.

I remember tears streaming down my face as I sang and worshipped. I remember seeing faces in the crowd as I looked around the church as I gave my testimony. I remember staring at the ceiling and praying for strength. I remember the warmth of the baptism pool. I remember the strength of B and D's hands as they placed them on my back, and on my head. I remember feeling W's hug as I left the pool. I remember the roughness of my Wales flag towel around my shoulders.

But mostly I remember feelings. Such strong feelings that I don't have words for them. I don't know words for what most of them were, I just focused on God and experienced the feelings as they came.

But I know I will remember the experience for the rest of my life.

It was the best day of my life, the day Jesus saved me.

Thank you Lord!!!

I Am A New Creation, No More In Condemnation, Here In The Grace of God I Stand

2010-07-26T00:46:00.004+01:00

I DID IT!!!

And it was truly the best experience of my entire life.

It was perfect. The only way it could have been more perfect is if my parents could have been there to share in it.

More soon!

God bless!

The title of my blog post comes from the lyrics from the song 'I Am A New Creation' by Dave Bilgrough

Catching Up Before the Big Day

2010-07-24T17:43:00.005+01:00

Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY big day. It's the day I get SAVED! :oD Saved by God's Grace!

The past couple of months have been so jam-packed, what with the Eastern Baptist Association's Annual Assembly in Romford, which I attended with my friend, my reading 'Cover to Cover: Reading the Bible in 365 Days', and me completing my Discipleship Course on Thursday! And of course, there have also been lots of happenings in my daily life, with Seren and Adrian's birthday, the kids' Sports Days, completing Seren's DLA re-application, having house guests twice in a month (the second of which arrive tomorrow, and I really should be cleaning now!) and the kids' Annual Reviews at the hospital.

Everything has been happening at once, and although things should calm down by the middle of next week, I wanted to take the time today to catch up before tomorrow's life-changing event.

So ... first is my going to the Eastern Baptist Association's Annual Assembly on 12th June. I travelled down to the Romford area the night before, and stayed with my friend W, and then went with her to her church, Romford Baptist. It was a fantastic day, and I was made to feel very welcome to W and the members of her church.

First of all, we had a time of worship, and then the EBA held their AGM, followed by the first of the two seminars for the day. I'd put myself down for 'Living the Life as a Disciple of Christ', and it was fantastic! It was delivered by Jonathan Edwards, the Secretary General of the Baptist Union of Great Britain, and it was uplifting, inspiring and challenging. It focused on Luke Chapter 9, verses 57 to 62, and he showed us that being a true disciple of Christ involves living the life 24/7, not just on a Sunday morning at church.

He also said that the best ways to become a better disciple, and to encourage others to become better disciples were: 1) Encouraging the core disciplines of prayer, reading the Bible and attending church, in order to strengthen your faith, and that tithing is also a blessing, as it reminds us that everything belongs to the Lord, and everything comes from the Lord.

2) Encouraging church activities, and using the concept of 'This Time Tomorrow', where you ask a church member on a Sunday what they'll be doing this time tomorrow, and you pray together about it, bringing church into daily life. He also said that church shouldn't be in a bubble, that we should worship through the week as well.

3) Encouraging service, by encouraging the youth of the church to attend groups such as Junior Christian Endeavour, and getting young people to take a bigger part in services with responsibilities and trust.

4) By monitoring and mentoring ministers, so that they can constantly strengthen themselves and have someone to talk issues over with.

After the seminar, we had a lunch break, and I had a chance to ask at the book stall about whether they could recommend a book for me to help me when reading the Bible. At this point, I had read the first 5 books of the Bible, and then, as recommended by the Alpha Course leaders, I moved on to the New Testament and read that, but struggled with understanding some parts, particularly the book of Revelation. So I wanted a book which could help me get the right meaning from what I was reading, and apply what I was learning to my own life, and so they recommended this:

So I took their advice and bought it!

After lunch, we had the second of our two seminars, which was 'Living the Life Through Personal Spirituality'. This was delivered by David Adams from Witard Road Baptist Church, and it was another amazing seminar.

David told us that over the years, he has travelled the globe and experienced a vast number of different types of spiritual worship, ranging from Catholic to Charismatic! He spoke about his experiences of many different types of worship, which was fascinating, and he taught that no matter how we choose to worship, as long as we allow God to invade us, and our worship is totally focused on God, they are all equally valid before God. We need to remember that worshipping God isn't meant to be about what we're getting out of it, but about what we're giving to God at the time. That really spoke to me!

He concluded by saying "Worship cannot and must not be confined to any specific liturgy or format and particularly to any past, present, or indeed future musical style. The awareness of God’s presence is determined more by a real honesty in each persons heart that is not specifically focused or bound by what is being said or sung. To focus on the hymn or song is not to fully engage with God and in that sense it fails unless we are lifted above it to connect with God out of the reality of our own expressions of who He is. This is beyond a feeling, mood orientated, over-emotional response to a beautiful song or a stirring hymn which I would suggest can keep us earth bound rather than heaven aware."

And "God made us with individual tastes and set us in communities or cultures with their own characteristics. Reflecting on my experiences I observe that some Christians appeared stuck or bored in a ‘worship rut’. It certainly was the case that for a good number, they were caught in a worship style that did not fit the way God had uniquely made them. None of the styles is better or more acceptable to God. The only condition is the deep sincerity and obedience of the heart."

And "There can be no true experience of worship unless it flows from a lifestyle of worship seen through obedience. The common factor that draws together those experiences where worshippers have been aware of the awesome presence of God, is that for the majority it has been the continuation of a daily lifestyle of surrender and obedience to God. The concept of ‘going to worship’ defined as a place and time, was not the reality. The reality was a daily commitment to walk God’s way which joyfully brought you to opportunities, sometimes with other believers where you could freely express, in a way natural to yourself, the overflow of love, joy, and thankfulness that you felt in your heart. This is ‘worship in the spirit’, when your spirit is responding to God’s Spirit."

He closed the seminar by quoting Matt Redman's classic worship song:

‘Heart of Worship’

I’ll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart.

We then went back into the main church for another fantastic worship session, which rounded the day off beautifully. I went home that day feeling incredibly inspired and uplifted, and eager to learn more about the Lord, and to continue my journey back into His fold!

Shortly after I got back, I started reading my 'Cover to Cover' book, along with the relevant parts of the Bible, and I'm loving it. I'm on Day 39 at the moment, and I just love my Bible Study time each day. The book is brilliant, giving me the verses to read each day, and taking me through the Bible chronologically, and splitting it up into more easily digestable chunks, and, the best bit of all for me, at the end of each day, there is something to think about, a way of making what I've read that day applicable to me, and a Bible verse for contemplation.

I just love that it makes God's Word so very relevant to me and my daily life and my situation, and I am loving reading the Bible in this way. I've found that the little Bible stories I already knew off by heart, like how God made the world, or the story of Joseph, the ones I could tell you without having to read them, they're suddenly fresh and new, and applicable in my life. I think that by learning them as a child, they'd become relevant only to my childhood, but through my 'Cover to Cover' book, I'm seeing how they are just as relevant to me now, as well.

I've also now completed my Discipleship Course. I was so glad that it happened so soon after the Alpha Course, because I so very much missed seeing all the friends I made on the course, and it was so good to be back with them again! I feel so very close to them all, because they know so very much about me, and they have supported me through some tough times and strong emotions lately, and they are just such good, good people.

I am so glad that four of us will be getting Baptised together tomorrow! We've come so far, and certainly I have changed so much, and I am just so unbelievably chuffed to be sharing this incredibly special day with them!

So our Discipleship Course was split into four sections, firstly, Foundation in Faith, in which we learned about what Grace truly means, and about how we are in no way saved by anything we do, and could not possibly be saved by anything we do ourselves, but only by God's Grace, which we receive through Faith in Lord Jesus.

Week Two was a Foundation in Baptism, in which we learned, through Bible texts about the spiritual cleansing of full immersion Baptism; about it being a covenant, the new symbol for Christians (with circumcision being the old covenant in the Old Testament); about it being a conversion, being born again and having a new start in life; about it being a new commitment, committing ourselves to the Lord; and about the commission to be Baptised, for Christ's disciples to go out and baptise people.

Week Three focused on a Foundation in the Church, learning about how when we are baptised, we will instantly become members of the worldwide Church of God, and that we will then be able to apply for membership in our local church. We also learned about the responsibilities of being a member of our local church, which we have to consider before we decide whether to apply for membership. Personally, I can't wait to apply, and to take on those responsibilities and do my bit for the church which has literally saved my life!

And then on Thursday, for Week Four, we focused on the practicalities of Baptism, on the order of service, the worship songs we wanted to sing, the order we get Baptised in, and even things like what we should wear, and what time we should arrive on the day.

And of course, at each meeting, we shared in a wonderful meal, fantastic fellowship, and we would always stand and hold hands to pray and worship together at the end of the evening, which is an incredibly special time. Sometimes we pray one at a time, sometimes we all pray at once, lifting our voices to the Lord together, and sometimes we sing spontaneous verses of worship songs. Officially it's called Praying in the Spirit, and our minister is thinking of having us pray in this way after our baptisms tomorrow night, so that the whole congregation can share in our prayers!

And so, pretty much, in a nutshell, that brings us up to today! I've been busy working on my Testimony, and although it's probably slightly too long at the moment, I've been praying that God will help me when I'm delivering my Testimony tomorrow night, and that I'll only say those bits which will bring the most glory to Him, and that He will use my words to bring more people to Christ.

I've also pretty much decided on what I'm wearing, (most importantly, a swim suit underneath my clothes, as recommended by the lady who helps the ladies with their baptisms!), I've seen the changing rooms we'll use afterwards, the order of service is pretty much set, and I've invited several friends to the service as well, to share in our day.

Sadly, my Dad is still too early in his post-high dose chemo recovery process for my parents to travel to see me get Baptised, and my Uncle and Aunt can't make it either; but Adrian and the children will be there, as will my friend W and her children, two of my lovely local friends, and hopefully, two ladies from my Slimming World class who have become friends over the past three years. I've also invited my mother-in-law, and I hope she will attend.

I've been feeling so nervous about it for a while now, but now, the night before my baptism, I'm just excited!!! I can't wait to worship the Lord in church in the morning, come home and welcome W and her children into our home, and then go back to church in the evening, see my three Alpha friends get baptised, and then get baptised myself! I can't wait!

Oooh, I just thought ...

Once I am SAVED tomorrow night, once I get baptised, I will well and truly be back in Jesus' fold! I may have to re-name this blog! :oD

Love in Christ!

Ending and Beginning

2010-06-08T10:17:00.003+01:00

Alpha Course has now finished. We had the last session on 27th May, but it wasn't a sad experience. We had an absolutely fantastic meal, and we laughed so, so much, especially when I asked if we could take a group photo, which involved lots of huddling together and diving about to beat the timer on my camera.

We also focused on what happens next, and watched the DVD of Nicky Gumbel talking about how to carry on our lives as Christians.

Three of our group (including myself) are very interested in being baptised, and so for us, the next thing will be a Discipleship Course which will end with the three of us being baptised. The Reverend is hoping that we might be able to be baptised together on the day of the Church anniversary, 11th July.

I am very much looking forward to the course and to being baptised at last, and becoming an official member of the Church I love, but I'm not sure how I feel about it being on 11th July. I know it's a fantastic day to be baptised on, the Church anniversary, but ... it's also my daughter's 8th birthday the same day.

So for this reason, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking I might rather be baptised another day ...

Firstly, I don't want to take the focus away from my daughter on her big day. She only gets one birthday a year, and this past year has had plenty of rough moments for her, so it's even more important to make her special day all about her.

Secondly, I want to be able to focus solely on my baptism on the day I get baptised. I don't want to be rushing about wrapping presents, taking photos, stressing about birthday party plans, and devoting my day to making Seren's day special. Don't get me wrong, I want to do all those things on Seren's birthday, for sure, because I LOVE celebrating the kids' birthdays and making them as special as I possibly can ... but not on the day I get baptised.

I want to be able to focus on my relationship with Jesus on that day, and I just don't think I'll be able to do that properly on Seren's birthday. I want my baptism to be the most important part of that day, because being baptised, being washed clean of my sins, and being baptised in water and in the Holy Spirit is life-changing. I don't want it to be squeezed into a day that's already madly busy, when I wouldn't be able to focus on Jesus properly.

And thirdly, the couple who host the Alpha Course want to throw the three of us a baptism barbecue/party at their house, which I presume would take place on the day we get baptised. If I get baptised on Seren's birthday, then I very much doubt we'd be able to attend, as the day is going to be pretty full already, and I don't want to miss that chance to share that time with my Christian friends.

We are having an Alpha Course reunion at a couple of the course members' house on Thursday, when we will finish talking about what will happen next, the next steps on our Christian journeys, and so we can talk more about it then.

And this is shaping up to be a very Jesus-focused weekend! I have the Alpha Course reunion on Thursday, and then, I just found out last night that I can attend a Christian event in Essex on Saturday! And then of course, I have Church on Sunday morning!

And, in keeping with the title of this post, something else in my life has ended recently too. The folk band I was singing and playing with. I won't go into details, but although it's sad that it's ended, and there are a lot of emotions to work through, it's turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because it's something that hadn't felt right for a while, and it had been weighing heavy on my mind.

And now it's done, I can focus on what's important. My journey with God, my precious family, fundraising and awareness-raising for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust, and helping out with the local branch of the National Autistic Society.

I wanted to close this with a couple of bible verses which have really helped me lately. They have given me encouragement when I've been feeling low, and courage when I felt I had none.

"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers in your speech, your conduct, your love, faith and purity." 1 Timothy 4 v 12.

"Don't be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go." Joshua 1 v 9.

There Is A Day ...

2010-05-23T16:50:00.002+01:00

I sang this TOTALLY UPLIFTING song at Church today ...

There Is A Day, by Phatfish

Here are the lyrics:

There is a day
That all creation's waiting for,
A day of freedom and liberation for the earth.
And on that day
The Lord will come to meet His bride,
And when we see Him
In an instant we'll be changed

The trumpet sounds
And the dead will then be raised
By His power,
Never to perish again.
Once only flesh,
Now clothed with immortality,
Death has now been
Swallowed up in victory

We will meet Him in the air
And then we will be like Him
For we will see Him, as He is
Oh yeah!
Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'lll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

So lift your eyes
To the things as yet unseen,
That will remain now
For all eternity.
Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's acheiving
Our future glory.

There were certain parts of that absolutely beautiful song which really spoke to me this week, namely:

Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'lll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live

and

Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's acheiving
Our future glory.

What a fantastic message.

I can't wait for the day when all the people in the world who are hurting or suffering, their pain will cease, and we will all go to live with Him. How perfect that will be! And what a hope to get us through our dark days!

And in the vastness of eternity, our entire lives on earth are only momentary, so when you look at it like that, our troubles may be hard, but yes, they are momentary compared to Heaven's glory.

I hope you are having a blessed Sunday.

God bless. xx

Breathing In Peace

2010-05-10T11:24:00.004+01:00

This weekend has been tough.

Seren is still unwell, and didn't have a great report at clinic on Friday, which I've blogged about in my other blog.

I spent a lot of Sunday crying in quiet moments, trying to keep the peace when Adrian got stressed, or trying to comfort Seren while keeping my own positivity. It didn't go well. So when I went to church last night, I was desperate for some comfort, some strength and some healing.

We had planned on going to the morning service, but Seren had had another bad night, and was exhausted first thing Sunday morning, and so we decided not to go to church, and I planned to go in the evening instead. And now I'm so glad I did, because it was exactly the right service for me, just what I needed.

It wasn't a typical service with a long-ish, educational sermon, and I ended up sitting next to the lady who runs the Alpha Course with her husband, so I had a hug before the service started, which helped! We sang some worship songs, prayed lots of prayers, and read from Ephesians, which I've also been reading at home this week.

After we had listened to the reading, the man who co-led the service asked us to meditate for a while on Ephesians chapter 1, verse 2:

"Grace to you and peace from of God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ."

He had us close our eyes, and raise up our hands to receive grace and peace from the Lord while praying; and then turn our hands over, so that we were letting go of whatever we needed to. Letting go of sin, or of bad thoughts, or of worry, of anxiety, whatever was distracting us from God.

I had been praying for help, support and healing for the whole first part of the service, and when the man stood up and talked us through letting go and receiving peace, it was exactly what I needed. The tears flowed, and I felt myself calming as I tried to let the many, many worries over Seren go, put them in Jesus' hands, lay my burdens on His shoulders, and receive His peace.

We then sang a few more songs and heard some more readings, before the man got up again and spoke about hearing God's message for us. He suggested that we sit silently in prayer and meditation, and wait to hear God's message for us individually.

Soothing music started to play, and I sat still, eyes closed, mind focused on God, hands open in a receiving gesture, and ... I heard my words.

For the first time ever.

I had been praying so hard all week for healing for Seren, for mental and emotional strength for Seren, and for her nausea to be taken away. At Alpha Course on Thursday, when they heard how much Seren has been suffering, they switched from focusing on Week 11 of the study (without going to look it up right now, I believe it was supposed to be about telling others about God) to focusing on Week 12 instead, God healing people in the world today.

And we all stood in a circle and joined hands, all the Alpha members and leaders, and prayed hard for healing and strength for Seren, for myself and for our family. The Reverend who leads the course laid his hand on my head and prayed for us.

But when I got home on Thursday night, Seren was just as bad, and then we had that clinic review the following day, which said her weight was low, her lung function had dropped, her bowel was blocked, and her reflux was still a problem.

But I didn't lose faith, like I would have in the past. I just prayed harder. And I let the couple who run the Alpha Course know, and they were praying harder too.

And, as I said, I'd been praying all the time at church that night for healing for Seren.

And when I got my words, they weren't quite what I wanted.

"Not yet."

I heard them clearly in my head. Then a few seconds later, I got another word.

"Peace."

At first, I wondered whether I'd put the words in my head. Maybe I wanted to hear something, anything, and those were the first words I'd put into my head. So I tried to forget them, push them aside, wait for the real words.

But they came back, stronger than before.

"Not yet. Peace."

I pushed them out again. Cleared my mind.

But they came back even stronger, appearing visually in my head, giant words, lit up with neon like something out of Las Vegas, with bright flashing lights around them.

"NOT YET!"

"NOT YET!!"

"NOT YET!!!"

At that point, I had to accept that those were my words from God. Not yet.

And when I accepted them, the other word came again.

"Peace."

When I accepted that one, another thought came into my mind. A concept this time. The concept of keeping sitting still, with my hands open to receive, breathing in God's peace, and breathing out my worries. Breathing in God's strength, and breathing out my fears.

And so I did.

The soothing piano and violin music played, I held out my hands, and I breathed. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry. Breathed in peace, breathed out worry.

And when the music finished, I did feel better. I did feel able to praise God in His house.

After the service, lots of people came over to ask how Seren was doing, especially people from the Sunday School, who had missed seeing her the past few weeks, and they were so kind, so caring, so empathetic, they had me in tears again with their concern for Seren, and it was so hard to tell them how difficult these few weeks have been for her, how demoralised and knocked down she is by it all.

When everyone else had left the church, I was still sitting talking to the Sunday School leader, discussing Seren and telling her about my words from God, and together we prayed for Seren, that she will get strength and peace, that her increasingly wet cough won't turn into a chest infection (she hasn't got the strength to fight a chest infection as well at the moment), and that the doctors will be able to fix this nausea.

I got through most of a packet of tissues while I was in church last night, but I came out feeling supported, loved, and more at peace than when I arrived.

And then I got back into the car, and Seren had had another tough evening, and right at the time when the Sunday School leader and I were praying for her, she was having a meltdown in the car and saying how she couldn't cope with feeling sick any more.

We talked about my experiences in church as we drove home, and as I started to try and interpret my message better, I said that maybe "Not yet" means that we have to wait until Seren starts this new medication, Domperidone, on Friday (if she's still feeling bad by then, which I'm thinking she will be), then God will use the doctors and the medications to heal her. And that until then, we have to focus on His peace.

Seren took some comfort from that, and last night, as she did the night before, she took my wooden holding cross to bed with her, and she managed to sleep in her own room last night again. She fell asleep on the computer room settee, listening to panpipe music, because when she's feeling ill, she can't stand to be alone, but she coped with being in her room for the night after that.

Today is another tough day for her, and she has chosen to stay home from school because of feeling unwell, so we're focusing on God's peace again, while trying to do all we can for her.

If you could, please pray for Seren, for her mental and emotional health as well as her physical health; and if you could pray for Adrian and I, that we will support her in the best ways we can, with wisdom to know how to deal with each situation as it arises, with empathy and with calm.

Thank you.

Alpha Course - Holy Spirit Day

2010-04-18T03:25:00.004+01:00

After a two week break, we had two Alpha Course sessions in three days this week!

We had our normal Thursday session, which focused on why and how we should read the Bible, which was very educational. When we were watching the DVD of Nicky Gumbel's lesson, he spoke about a deeply personal issue he prayed about.

For the privacy of the person involved, I won't say who makes his words especially relevant to me at this time, but lets just say that there's been someone close to me that I've been praying for recently, because they are going through an incredibly tough time, and they aren't sure of their beliefs at all. And I'm worried about them, and what will happen to them if they pass away without coming to know Jesus.

This was something I'd never spoken aloud about, but it was something I've been worrying a lot about, especially this week, and something I've been praying silently about, not even with words most of the time, just thoughts and feelings.

And so when Nicky Gumbel spoke about losing his father before his father had come to know Jesus, and worrying about whether his father was with God, I was very shocked. It was just such an incredibly appropriate message for me. And Nicky Gumbel got his answer too. When he was reading the Bible, he found Acts 2, verse 21: "And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

And at the same time, his wife, Pippa, said to him that she had been reading her Bible, and had found a message for Nicky about his father in Romans 10, verse 13: "For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

And when he saw this message twice more in quick succession (one of which I believe was on a large sign outside a church), he acknowledged and accepted his message from God, that his father had called on the name of the Lord, and had been saved. :o)

Nicky sharing his story was a great great comfort to me this week.

Thank you Jesus!

And then today, well, yesterday technically, but Saturday 17th April, anyway ...

First of all, I want to just say that this past week has pretty much been all about prayer. The hymn What a Friend We Have in Jesus has been on my mind all week, repeating in my head, and it has reminded me to keep praying, to leave all my worries in Jesus' hands.

The lines of the hymn which particularly spoke to me were:

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

And

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

I think those words have been in my head as a message, to remind me to keep praying, to keep relying on Jesus during this week.

And why is this week so scary? Because this week is a big, big week for my Dad. He was admitted to hospital on 6th April, and he started his high-dose BEAM chemotherapy on 8th April.

By Sunday 11th April, he wasn't doing very well. His temperature had shot up to 39degC, and he had severe vomiting and diarrhoea. He was started on intravenous antibiotics, and anti-emetics to try and stop the vomiting, but even now, a week later, he is very nauseous and can't speak on the phone for more than a few minutes before he's completely exhausted and fighting not to vomit.

And today, when I spoke to him during the Alpha Course lunchbreak, he told me that tonight, they were going to fit a nasogastric tube into him, because although he's not vomiting as often now, he's still barely eaten anything over the past week.

I knew that this chemo was going to hit him hard, worse than any of the others ever have, and I know that now he's had his stem cell transplant, he is incredibly vulnerable and his health is very fragile. But I also know that this is all being done for a good reason, because they are hoping that this last, ginormous mountain of treatment will either put Dad into remission for a long time, or completely cure his cancer. Something that we could barely even hope for a year ago. And so I am very grateful that he has been given this opportunity.

But it doesn't stop me worrying. Both the chemo and the stem cell transplant are so very risky, with so many awful side effects, and it's so hard to know Dad is suffering so much right now. And so I have been praying, praying, praying, praying, and praying some more. Sunday I spent most of the day just praying over and over. And the function of praying, by being able to ask for help for my Dad, and for my Mum, was a huge comfort. Feeling as if I was doing something to help, even though I'm 300 miles away from them right now.

And it wasn't just me praying. I texted my Christian friends, and put a request on my Facebook status, asking people to pray, and so my Dad was lifted up in prayer by more than just me. And it got my Dad, my Mum and me through the day. And through all the days since then.

And what with praying, and with reading my Bible every night, and going to two Alpha Course sessions, Jesus has felt very close this week. I was especially comforted when I read this verse in John 14, verse 14: "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." Just another reminder for me to keep praying!

And today seemed to be the culmination of this week of being closer to Jesus than ever before.

Holy Spirit Day

Because this was a day-long session, we spent it at the house of another family from our church, where they had two function rooms set out for us, and a beautiful garden for us to sit in for a lot of the gloriously sunny day.

Adrian and the kids dropped me off at the house for 10 am, and we all got together for a coffee first, myself and my fellow course-members, our usual hosts for our Thursday evening sessions, and the Reverend, who is our course leader. I'd brought all my worship songs CDs with me (my own 'Songs 4 Worship' double CD, and the double CD of worship songs I've been sent (The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!), and two new CDs of worship songs (You Are My Passion, and Heart of the Father) that I was sent recently, which I only opened on Friday afternoon!

After our coffee in the downstairs function room which was like our dining room, we went up to the other function room, which was like our school room for the day. We had three sections of our Alpha Course handbook to get through, the first of which was 'Who Is The Holy Spirit?'

Through reading the Bible, and singing some worship songs, we were able to learn that the Holy Spirit was involved in creation, and then came upon particular people (such as Gideon, Samson, Bezalel and Isaiah) at particular times, for particular tasks (such as leadership, strength, artistic work and prophecy). We also learned that He was promised by the Father, and was linked with Jesus through John the Baptist. And we also learned that Jesus predicted His presence, and that at Pentecost, all the disciples were filled with the Spirit; and that God has promised to give His Spirit to every Christian.

We then went downstairs for a short break, and we all stood outside in the warm, sunny garden and chatted, and then it was decided that we'd hold the next part of our day in the garden, which was a fantastic idea! To sit in the wonders of God's creation as we focused on Him was such a gift.

The second part of the day focused on 'What Does The Holy Spirit Do?' and we sang some more fabulous worship songs, right there in the garden, just the eight of us, before sitting down with our Bibles again and learning about the Spirit.

We broke for lunch shortly afterwards, and had a delicious meal together. I was spoilt with some yummy wheat-free biscuits, a vegetarian wheat-free bean chilli and jacket potato, and then fruit salad with cream. After lunch we had a small amount of free time, and so I took the opportunity to phone my Dad and see how he was doing. It was then that I found out about the ng tube feeding they had planned for tonight, and I knew that he really wasn't happy about it. So when I got off the phone, I spent some more time in prayer for him. He asked me not to phone him again today (he gets exhausted when he talks on the phone, and is at his worst in the evenings), so I don't know how that went, but I'll find out tomorrow.

When we started our session again after lunch, we sat out in the garden again, and learned about what happens after someone has been filled with the Holy Spirit, and the different fruits and gifts given by the Holy Spirit. We read from the Bible again, and at one point, split up into two small groups to further discuss the gifts of the Holy Spirit, in order to better understand them.

When it was time to move on to the third session of the day, 'How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit', after a quick coffee break, we moved back upstairs to the 'school room'. We kicked off the session with some worship songs, and I chose 'Shout to the Lord', by Darlene Zschech, which we all sang together, and then we listened to C and F's choice, 'Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord' by Paul Baloche, and F shared a prayer for us, and for the world.

We learned more about how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, by belief and by asking to be filled, and the Reverend and one of the Alpha hosts shared about when they were filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time. We also had to think about which of the ways of being filled (the Bible describes it in various ways, being breathed on, the laying on of hands, becoming 'drunk' with the spirit like drinking it in, etc) and think of which way best spoke to us.

And at the time, the one which spoke to me most was being 'breathed on'. I think at the time, it was because when the Reverend demonstrated a breath, the expression on his face stirred something in me. But now, looking back, it seems odd that as the parent of two children with lung conditions, I chose the one which involved breathing. That literally has only just occurred to me as I'm typing.

Then we all stood up to pray together, and the Reverend suggested that we pray with our hands in a receiving gesture. So we all stood there, with our hands folded and cupped in front of us, eyes closed, and ... well, it's hard to describe it really, but I felt ... sort of switched on. Aware. But not aware of the room, or particularly of the other people in it, but of myself. Not of my body, but of ... me. The inner me. And of God.

The words don't really describe the feeling, and I'm sure I'm not explaining it properly, but ... wow.

I just felt incredibly focused.

At first, the Reverend prayed and we listened and agreed silently, then the Alpha host, B, prayed, and again, we listened, and then they played some worship songs while we prayed silently ourselves. And that's when I really focused.

Music just does something to me. As I said a little later on, to my fellow course members, music is my key to God. It switches me on, and speaks to me in a way that words alone can't always do. It speaks directly to my heart and moves me so strongly that it takes my breath away and often brings me to tears. That song that I chose today, 'Shout to the Lord' by Darlene Zschech, I was playing it in the car after church a few weeks ago, and I ended up crying as we drove home, because the words just spoke to me so strongly.

And so when they started playing the worship songs during our time of prayer, my focus was so much sharper. I was praying so hard, praying to Jesus, asking Him to fill me with His Spirit, to show me the way, to lead me as a Christian, and to help me to be a good Christian, and all of a sudden, as I heard the Reverend starting to move around our circle and pray in front of each person, individually, my head got away from me and took over it's own prayer, sort of unconsciously, and I started praying 'I love you Jesus! I love you Jesus! You ARE my Lord!' in my head, faster and faster, until I had to stop and take a breath before I floated away. I felt as if my upper body was stretched, standing taller, more alive.

Tears started pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. It wasn't like when words, prayers, sermons or songs have affected me before over the past few months, where I've quickly stopped what I'm doing, 'broken the connection' and hidden my tears, I knew these were good tears, and that no-one in the room would mind me crying them, and so I let them flow. I can feel them in my eyes again now as I'm typing.

I listened as the Reverend prayed with the people next to me, their own individual prayers just for them, talking about them, the challenges they've overcome and their strengths and weaknesses, and hearing their prayers affected me so strongly. Everyone had their own unique prayer, and the words were so perfect. So perfect.

When it got to my turn, I was already feeling so ... I was going to say overwhelmed, but I wasn't overwhelmed, I was ... full? Full up? Full to the brim? I don't know, I can't describe it, but when it was my turn to be prayed for, I was a little scared/nervous about how I would feel, because I was already experiencing such strong emotions.

And my prayer was perfect for me too. He prayed for my family's health, for my friends, and for my own health, and prayed that my family, which seems to have had more than it's fair share of health problems, would be helped and strengthened. And he prayed for me and my journey.

And the tears flowed yet again. But again, it was okay. More than okay.

After a pause to allow everyone to ... reflect? Calm down? I don't know, but anyway, after a short while, we joined hands and prayed again together, for ourselves and each other, before we closed the session for the day, and I finally hunted out some tissues from my handbag.

We came out of the house into the beautiful sunshine again, and each of us agreed that we all felt different. We were all changed this afternoon in some way. And we felt closer as a group. I couldn't feel any of the usual awkwardness or embarrassment I usually feel, and I feel bonded to our group of what used to be total strangers until February, and semi-strangers until today.

And I do feel different still. I feel lighter inside. I feel closer to God. And I am in no doubt that God does exist, and that He loves me.

Thank you Jesus!

And I can't wait for church in the morning!

Easter Sunday

2010-04-04T18:20:00.001+01:00

Praise the Lord!

Today is the day!!!

Today Jesus won his victory over death, and rose from the grave!

Alleluia!

I was feeling a little lost this morning, because we are so far away from the fantastic church Seren and I now call 'our' church, and I was worried about how I'd feel going to the CofW (Church of Wales, like Church of England) Church my Mum currently attends, for the Easter Sunday service.

So while I was getting ready for Church, I was playing some of my worship songs on my mp3 player, and then while I was doing Seren's hair, I was singing one of my favourite Easter hymns to her. It's a hymn I sang a few times at my original Baptist church, but it was one I never forgot. It wasn't often sung, but it had a huge impact on me, and I would have loved to have heard it again, so I was singing it to Seren.

And then I quickly said a prayer. "Lord, I want to praise You on this most special of days, the day You conquered death, but I'm nervous about going to this new church, because I know it'll be so different from the Baptist church I love. Help me to feel Your presence, even in this different church, let me know that You are there." And that was when I had the idea. I asked Jesus to show me that He was there by having my favourite Easter hymn as one of the hymns for the day.

I didn't really think it would be, in all honesty, because I haven't heard it in years, at least 15 years I'm sure, so I didn't think it was very well-known or popular. So I told myself that if it wasn't one of the hymns today, I wouldn't be too disappointed.

So. We went to the church. And it was a very alien service. Lots of repetition and reading from booklets and unfamiliar hymns. I was trying my best to find the message in the service, and to feel connected to God, but it wasn't happening much at first.

The best bits were a) the sermon, which wasn't stuffy at all, in contrast to the whole first section of the service, and b) the tiny baby getting baptised mid-service, which Seren really enjoyed seeing. But apart from that, I was feeling pretty lost and disconnected. So I kept praying, and kept missing 'our' church, because I bet they had a fabulous service today.

Towards the end of the service, they had communion. Only for those baptised, which I'm not, yet. But those who weren't able to have communion could have a blessing, so Seren and I went up and knelt at the altar for a blessing.

While we were being blessed, they were singing a hymn which I knew a little, which was encouraging, and so when we sat down, I sang the rest of that hymn. When the introduction for the next hymn started, I froze in shock. It sounded awfully like the introduction to my hymn!

So I grabbed up my hymn book, scrabbled to the right page, and stared in disbelief at the words to my favourite hymn!

THEY WERE SINGING IT!!!!!!!!!!

And here it is:

Led Like a Lamb to the Slaughter, by Graham Kendrick

Tears sprang to my eyes, and I said a fervent prayer of thanks to the Lord, right then and there, before kissing Seren on the forehead and telling her that Jesus WAS there, right there with us, that He'd given me my sign!

Even though it was mostly the choir singing, rather than the congregation, of whom probably only half were singing, I was BELTING OUT that song with a heart full of joy! When I needed it the very very most, Jesus gave me the hugest sign I could ever wish for, on his Re-Birthday!

And I immediately went from worrying that I was going to leave the service as hungry for the Lord as when I went in, I was suddenly feeling just as close to Him as I do at any of 'our' church services!

Thank you Jesus!

The Power of the Cross

2010-03-29T10:03:00.003+01:00

We sang an incredibly powerful hymn at Church yesterday, on Palm Sunday. It was the day, nearly 2000 years ago, when Jesus had His triumphant arrival into Jerusalem, riding on a donkey over the cloaks people had thrown down for Him, past the crowds waving palm leaves and shouting 'Hosanna' - which we were told in the service is both a shout of praise, and a request - save us, deliver us ...

And yet, just a few days later, when Pontius Pilate asked the crowds what he should do with Jesus, pardon Him or crucify Him ... the crowds weren't shouting 'Hosanna!', they were shouting 'Crucify Him!'

This incredibly beautiful hymn really hit me hard ...

The Power of the Cross

Here are the lyrics ...

Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Every bitter thought,
Every evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the victory cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the power of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us
What a love! What a cost!

We stand forgiven at the cross.

Thank you Jesus!

Alpha Course and Sunday Services

2010-03-21T18:39:00.001Z

Things have been very busy around here lately, life has become very full, and I have been blessed with a whole host of new experiences, doing the Alpha Course, going to Church every Sunday, being involved in the autism support group committee, and being able to sing and play in the folk band. God has enriched my life in so many ways!

I've also been reading my Bible every night. I've finished the first five books of the Old Testament, and it was then recommended (by the host of the Alpha Course) that I move on to the New Testament next, and so I have just finished the book of Matthew. There is a big difference, reading the Bible as an adult, compared to as a child, and I am very much enjoying it.

And so today, I thought I'd update my blog on how my journey has been progressing over the past few weeks.

Alpha Course

I've just completed Week 4 of the Alpha Course. Week 1, as I posted before, was an introductory session which had us getting to know each other and finding out about the course.

Week 2 was centred around the question 'Who Is Jesus?' and focused on the great wealth of documentary evidence proving His existence, and proving that He most definitely WAS the Son of God, who died to save us from our sins.

There were the Roman historians, Tacitus and Suetonius, the Jewish historian, Josephus who wrote about Him, and, of course, the evidence within the New Testament, which shows us that He was fully human, with a human body, human emotions and human experiences.

We also learned about what Jesus said about Himself, and then thought about the ramifications of what He said. As C.S. Lewis said, Jesus was either the Son of God, or He was insane or evil, which He clearly wasn't. "It is clear that however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God."

We also learned about the evidence to support what He said, such as His teachings, His works, His character, His fulfilment of the Old Testament prophecy, and His conquest of death. And the evidence of His resurrection - His absence from the tomb, His presence with the disciples, the immediate effects, ie the birth and growth of the Christian church, and the effect down the ages, ie the experiences of Christians down the ages.

It was an interesting week, but for me, it was pretty academic, as I've never doubted the existence of Jesus, having grown up in the Church.

Week 3 was much more involving, as it focused on 'Why Did Jesus Die?' We learned about the problem of the world's sin, which separated us from God, and His solution to the problem - sending His Son to die for us on the cross, so that all our sins could be forgiven and we could have eternal life with God.

It was awful to hear exactly what happened to Jesus during his torture and crucifixion, to realise all over again just how awfully Jesus suffered for us, but it was amazing to realise just how much He loved us, that He would do that for us, so that we could be saved. Wow.

This week, Week 4, focused on 'How Can We Have Faith?' which was again, a fascinating talk. Nicky Gumbel compared the relationship between us and God to the relationship between a husband and wife, which made things much easier to understand. We don't just believe that we are married to each other, we have faith that we are married to each other, and we had to make a leap of faith when we did get married.

And that is the difference between belief and faith - the difference between believing God exists, and actually having a relationship with Him through faith. Faith is taking God's promises and daring to believe them.

And when we become a Christian, when we pray our prayer to Jesus, asking him to forgive our sins and to come into our hearts, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside us, and He transforms us from within, transforming our characters and our relationships; and He brings a deep, personal conviction that we are God's children.

I am really loving the Alpha Course, and I am developing genuine friendships with the lovely people on the course with me, and our hosts, who are fabulously inspiring Christians.

Sunday Services

And I have been loving our Sunday morning services in the Church too! There is always a message in the service, just for me, and everything always makes such sense. And oh, how I love the worship songs! We have sung some fantastic ones recently.

One a couple of weeks ago had me literally fighting back tears. It was the day before Seren and I were due to go to see the CF specialist in Norwich, and only minutes before we left the house for Church that Sunday morning, she had confessed that she was terrified about going to see the specialist. She was scared of the train ride, and even more scared that her lung function would be bad, or that she wouldn't have put on much weight.

I reassured her quickly, and then we had to leave for Church, and when we sat down, and heard that that morning's service was going to focus on FEAR, well, WOW! I gave Seren a hug and told her that Jesus was speaking directly to her that morning. She was SO touched by it, and the sermon about how to count on Jesus and pray to Jesus and to draw strength from Jesus when we are afraid really really really helped her.

But I felt that the service also spoke directly to me too, about my fears for the childrens' health, or about my Dad's cancer battle, or Adrian's Nan's poor health, or even the small fears like having to sing/play in public.

And this song, which I can't find on YouTube, only the lyrics on this site, had me frantically wiping the tears from my eyes.

Wonderful Lord, Wonderful God,
You are my shield, my protector.
I can lie down, Go off to sleep,
Knowing you're watching over me.

Wonderful Lord, Wonderful God,
Help me to trust you forever.
I need not fear 'Cos you are near,
I can lie down and sleep in peace.

Doug Horley
based on Psalm 4:8

I thought of all the nights when I've lain awake worrying frantically, and to sing that line 'I can lie down, go off to sleep, knowing you're watching over me', oh, that was an incredible comfort.

There are other incredibly beautiful songs which touch my soul, but I am very sad to find that I can't find them on YouTube, so I can't share them with you.

Today's service (like the past two weeks) have been focusing on The Beatitudes, in the book of Matthew, and we also had communion today. We sang two beautiful songs (among others) which were Thank You Lord You Love Us (my favourite part goes something like: "We just wanna say we love You, we just wanna shout YOU'RE THE BEST!") and another one which I'm guessing is called Lean on Me, which was so uplifting and inspiring. I wish I could share it, but I can't find it at the moment. If anyone does find it, let me know!

I'll leave you for today with today's text of the week:

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5 v 11-12.

Alpha Course - Week 1

2010-02-26T16:57:00.003Z

Last night was the first night of the Alpha Course.

Adrian dropped me off at the house in which the course was being held, at around 7.30 pm. I was welcomed by the man of the house, who was incredibly friendly. I was shown into the living room, where the rest of the course members were sitting, and we had a quick chat while dinner was finishing being prepped.

We then ate together (soup, jacket potatoes with salad and various fillings, and trifle, and they were all delicious!) and chatted together, finding out odds and ends about each other. I resisted mentioning CF etc., for as long as possible, and so at this point, all people knew was that I have two kids, a boy and a girl, aged 5 and 7 yrs old.

After we'd all finished our lovely meal, we went back into the living room to get to know each other better. We all had to give each other nicknames, after getting to know each other a little. We all had to introduce ourselves, one at a time, and then we picked names for each other. My introduction went something like this ...

"I'm Rebecca, I'm 29 years old, and I have two kids, Seren and Dylan, who both have cystic fibrosis and asthma, and Seren has hypermobility syndrome, and Dylan is autistic. I also recently joined a folk band, which I sing with, and am going to be playing the tin whistle and clarinet with them too. I love writing, music, and reading, and hate wheat (or rather, what it does to me) and having to go out in the rain."

Everyone introduced themselves, and then the other course members had to choose a nickname for me, one which started with R and they chose Rhythmic Rebecca, because of me being musical. :o) I like it! I don't feel comfortable mentioning the other course members names, but their nickname part of their names are Jeany J, Crafty C, Rehabilitated R, Joyful J, Catty C (a cat lover), Divine D (the course leader) and Bouncing B. :o)

Once we all had our nicknames, we were given this book to use while we work through the Alpha Course ...

The Alpha Course book

And then we watched a DVD of the first Alpha Course session, and afterwards had a chat about how we felt about what we'd seen, and what stage of our Christian journey we're at.

Some said that they had been going to Church for years, but wanted to move forward in their journey with God, others had been through rehab and so had a relationship with God through the step programme (I can't remember if they said 10 or 12 steps, but you know what I mean) but wanted to understand how Jesus fits into that relationship, and to explore Christianity further.

When it came to my turn, I explained that I'd grown up in the Baptist Church, and had LOVED it, but then once the kids came along and were diagnosed with CF, and then I lost my grandfather to cancer, and then my father was diagnosed with cancer that they didn't think they'd be able to cure, my anger obscured my faith.

And when I admitted that my anger at God had escalated to the point where I could still believe in His existence, but couldn't bring myself to be praising him, I burst into tears and couldn't speak any more. I couldn't believe that just speaking about it was affecting me so strongly, and I felt like a bit of an idiot, sitting there with tears literally pouring down my face, but everyone was fine about it.

I recovered a bit, and went on to explain about how Seren and I came to visit the local Baptist Church, and how everything had changed again at that point.

Once we'd told our own stories of what stage we are all at, we were given some more reading material ...

A copy of the New Testament and Psalms, and a booklet called 'Why Jesus?' which covers what was said on the DVD last night

We agreed on the same time next week for Week 2 of the course, when we'll be looking at Jesus again, and we all had another chat over coffee, just getting to know each other.

The family holding the course at their house were kind enough to drop me and one other course member home, which was lovely of them. I got home feeling rather overwhelmed and a little drained after my surprise outpouring of emotion, but I am very much looking forward to going back next week. :o) And of course, going to Church again on Sunday!

God bless.

Seeing Jesus

2010-02-26T12:35:00.000Z

Seeing Jesus was the theme of this week's Church service, and we kicked the service off in fine style with this fabulous, uplifting hymn. Seren and I both have it on our mp3 players, so we were singing our hearts out!

Shine Jesus Shine

Because the theme of the morning was Seeing Jesus, one lady and her son came up to talk about one way in which they've seen Jesus in their lives. The little boy is profoundly deaf, and was born without cochlears, and there is nothing which can be done to allow him to hear at all, and yet, he recently astounded his speech therapist by being able to say the word 'Hello'!!! His mother showed us a little video of her son saying 'Hello', and oh, when I heard his little voice, I couldn't hold back the tears. As his mother said, it's their own little miracle.

Once the kids had gone through to KatCh, the main service was led by one of the male Church leaders, and again, his sermon focused on 'Seeing Jesus'.

He said that we can see Jesus in the bread and wine of communion, in our daily walk with God, in other Christians around us, and also that Mother Theresa talked about seeing Jesus in the poor.

He then moved on to talk about when people in the Bible saw Jesus, and we read from Matthew 17, when Peter, James and John went up a mountain with Jesus and saw Jesus' 'transfiguration' (to change form), when his face shone like the sun and his clothes were dazzling white. They also saw Jesus talking to Moses and Elijah, and were terrified when they heard God's voice saying that Jesus is His Son, with whom He is pleased. The disciples closed their eyes in fear, but when Jesus told them not to be afraid, they opened their eyes and saw only Jesus.

The verse that he particularly wanted us to focus on was the one where it says that when the disciples looked up, they saw ONLY JESUS. And he said that if we want to follow Jesus effectively, we too need to see ONLY JESUS - we need to have a clear picture of what he's like and what he calls us to do.

The pieces of the puzzle really fell into place for me when he explained that we need to see Jesus as the man who is like us, who knows us and understands us; and we need to see God as God who is unlimited. If God were just like man, He would be limited, no better than us; and if Jesus were just God, He would be too big, immeasurably powerful and great, but too big for us. Jesus bridges the gap between man and God.

Thank you Jesus!

He then talked about just how important it was that the disciples saw ONLY JESUS after He had touched them and told them not to be afraid. He said that if the disciples had looked up and seen nobody, then ... well, they would have just come down the mountain with a story to tell, not knowing whether what they'd seen was real, and not having any proof. It would just have been an experience.

If they had seen only Moses when they'd looked up, they would have been impressed by the great man of history who had seen and spoken to God face to face, a man whose faith was all about what he DID for God. And if they had followed Moses' example, then maybe places, people and activities would seem more important than God Himself. If we focus only on what we do for God, and how we do it, then we are missing the point, we're not getting the whole story.

If they had seen only Elijah, the prophet who was full of power and miracles and prophesies, who challenged tradition, and was happy to be very isolated, on his own, then the disciples wouldn't have had the full truth then either. Elijah stands for truth, but only part of it, he brings the sense of guilt, sin, inadequacy and repentance, but again, that is not enough on its own.

And if the disciples had seen all three of them, Jesus, Moses and Elijah, they would have walked back down the mountain with Moses to teach truth, Elijah to give power, and Jesus to teach compassion, and would have in effect, been trying to bring best of faiths together. But as he said, that wouldn't necessarily work. In the world today, people sometimes try to combine multiple different faiths from around the world and bring them together, but again, that's not the whole truth either.

Which is why the disciples looked up and saw ONLY JESUS. Because in Jesus we see Moses bringing 10 commandments, but Jesus saying that the most important commandment of all is to love God with all our hearts. We see a bit of Elijah, but Elijah's job, as John the Baptist, was to point forwards to Jesus. As he said, once you get to destination, don't need the signposts anymore.

Jesus doesn't need anyone else. He came down the mountain with the disciples as the answer to their fears, and would soon be their Saviour, and give them hope. He was the man who lived with men, who didn't condemn them for failing to live up to God's standards, and brought them love and compassion, showing them that they were sinners but that they could be forgiven. Jesus came down the mountain to everyday life, to die for us.

And as he said, we need Jesus to come down from that mountain to be with us in our everyday lives. We need to focus on Jesus. Jesus has been there and understands, but even better, He understands with power over death and demons. The power to save us.

We then prayed together, and then, before we took communion, we sang this most beautiful hymn, which really hammered home exactly what Jesus did for us.

When I Survey The Wondrous Cross

So when I took communion, I asked Jesus to forgive my sins, and thanked Him for dying on the cross for me. Wow.

As I just wrote that, the words to the first verse of the hymn 'Amazing Love' by Graham Kendrick came back into my mind ...

My Lord, what love is this
That pays so dearly
That I, the guilty one
May go free!

Thank you Jesus!

I'll leave you for now with the Text of the Week from the Church pamphlet:

"Oh god, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." Psalm 63 v 1-2.

Valentines Sunday's Church Service

2010-02-25T14:29:00.003Z

The second of my catch-up posts ...

The Valentines Day Church service naturally focused on love, and the service kicked off with a fun sign language style song, based on John 3 v 16 "For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not die but have eternal life." We sang this verse over and over to music, complete with actions, sort of like the song 'Wide, Wide as the Ocean'. Seren loved it! :o)

We then sang this fabulous hymn ...

His Love Endures Forever

Once the children had gone through to the hall for KatCh, the Reverend spoke to us about 'The Great Commission'.

He was reflecting on Valentines Day and the theme of love, talking about our Church's missionaries, and talking about choosing a new leader for our Church. He combined all these things in the word Heart - God's heart/love for the world, God sending missionaries out to be God's heart in the world, and choosing a new leader to be the heart of our Church.

So we focused on the very heart of the gospel, the love of Jesus, and the world being saved by Jesus' love. As the Reverend said, we are all 'perishers', focusing on our own lives and forgetting God can only end in death, but by focusing on Jesus, by living for Him, we can become 'flourishers', and can live a better life here on Earth, and have eternal life with Him in heaven - the greatest gift EVER.

We then moved on to God's heart for the world, and his Great Commission (Matthew 28 v 16-20). One of the things the Reverend said which really made me think was that God doesn't just love the people of the world, He loves the physical world too, the world which He created, and He wants us to look after it. I had never really made the connection between being 'green' and religion before.

The Great Commission focuses on our role as Christians, that in reward for God being with us always, we should spread His word, and teach people about the gospel, about how they can be saved and have eternal life, and pass on Jesus' teachings about how to live life.

Our Church has missionaries in Brazil, Argentina, Albania and North Eastern India, so we are doing our bit for God's Great Commission, and once a month, the Church gives an update on how everyone is getting on, which is fascinating, and it is so wonderful to see the difference our Church is making. The Reverend talked a little about his time in Mizoram, North Eastern India, as a missionary, which he will share more about in future.

We also need to look to our own town, to sharing the gospel in our own town, being missionaries in our own town, and we need to look to our Church, to making sure that our new leader is after God's heart. Someone who has a heart for God's world, our town, God's word, and God's spirit.

We are all part of God's team here on Earth, charged with our own little parts of the Great Commission, and I guess that by writing this little blog, which according to my site counter, has currently been viewed 737 times, I am helping to spread the gospel and share God's heart too!

I would leave you with this week's Text of the Week, but as I already used it earlier in this post, John 3 v 16, I'll just bid you adieu until my next post about this week's Church service.

Bible Study Group

2010-02-25T14:05:00.004Z

I went to my first bible study group a couple of weeks ago. It was held in a local Church member's house, on a Tuesday evening. We were focusing on Jesus feeding the 5,000, just like at that previous Sunday's Church service, and there were some really thought-provoking questions.

After a quick introduction to all the other group members (all of whom were quite a lot older than me, but very very nice), we started in on the list of study questions.

The first, an ice-breaker, was to describe in a couple of sentences your most memorable meal or ideal packed lunch. I didn't speak up on this one, but if I had, I was going to talk about my most memorable meal, which is probably our Wedding Breakfast. It was 17th March 2001, at a local hotel, and we and our guests had soup, then roast dinner, and ... I can't remember what was for dessert. Profiteroles, maybe? And my Dad made us a BEAUTIFUL wedding cake.

The second question was: "Can you think of any time when you were short of something (not necessarily food) and God provided for you in a surprising way?"

There were some very varied answers, both food-related and not, and my answer was not food-related. I shared the story of how God brought me back to the Church, totally out of the blue, providing Seren and I with a new Church family. Everyone seemed to enjoy hearing our story, and said that God definitely moves in mysterious ways!

The third question had us comparing the two accounts of the feeding of the 5,000, in Mark 6, and in John 6, which was really interesting. We also had to think about what 'feeding' really meant in that context, and what Jesus gave the crowd other than food. We also had to think about what 'food' we bring, what gifts has God given us, that we can give back to Him. We also had to think about how the feeding of the 5,000 can teach us about responding to famine in the world today.

I found it absolutely fascinating to focus so closely on the Bible story, and to be able to discuss it and interpret it together as part of a group!

After the study session had finished, we had a long prayer session, before having a cup of coffee and a chat. Two of the group members gave me a lift home, as it was 10.30 pm by this point, which was lovely of them!

I was very much looking forward to going back to the study group this week, but now I've joined my friend's folk band, we have to sing every Tuesday night, which clashes with this particular bible group, so I had to miss it. However, there are other study groups held on other days around the town though, so hopefully I can join one of those instead, so that I'm not letting down the folk band, but can still get the bible study group in as well.

Sorry For The Delay!

2010-02-25T00:07:00.002Z

Sorry for the delay in posting, life has turned manic lately, what with bible study group, Church, rehearsals for the folk group I've just joined, performances with them at folk clubs, practising my tin whistle, caring for the kids, doing schoolwork with them, and trying to keep up with my housework and grab some sleep, blogging has been harder to find the time for.

I am starting the Alpha Course tomorrow (Thursday) evening, and I want to be all caught up ready to blog about that, so I'm hoping to catch up on 3 posts before then, but this post is unrelated to those, I just wanted to post a couple of my favourite hymns.

This first one is more suited to Easter-time, but we're into Lent now, so it's not too far away now. I can remember thinking 'Yuck!' about the first verse the very first time I sang this at Church as a child, but then when the chorus started, I totally fell in love with the song and love to sing it!

This one is another one from when I was growing up, and again, I loved singing it! I couldn't find many videos of this song either, and this was the only one which showed the tune I used to sing it to. It doesn't sing all the verses though, so if you click here, it will show you the full lyrics.

Our God reigns! :o)

Some Great Finds in the Christian Bookshop

2010-02-10T23:29:00.000Z

When I went into town on Saturday, my first stop was the local Christian book shop. I had some birthday money to spend!!! And, I did want to get something for Marjorie (mother-in-law) too.

I found a lovely holding cross for Marjorie, a cute bible activity book for Seren (which she has barely been able to put down since I gave it to her on Sunday!), a fish pin (I think it's called an Icthus) for my coat, and this REALLY cool phone charm ...

This way round, it's a fish

And this way round, it's a cross!

I love it, and I love having outward symbols of my Christianity on my person. :o)

I took Marjorie's holding cross round to her house that evening, and as it turned out, she'd had a really rough day with Marge. They'd been to the hospital the day before, where the consultant had told Marge as delicately as humanly possible that she has abnormal cells in her blood and bone marrow (ie cancer, leukaemia, but not actually saying the words out loud to frighten her); that her life is now about quality, rather than quantity; that they can't cure her bone marrow 'problem'; and that she will require weekly blood tests on the cancer ward to see if she needs blood transfusions every week, for the rest of her life, which can have some nasty side effects like haemorrhaging.

Friday, when I spoke to Marjorie, they both seemed to be coping quite well, but when the kids went round to visit on Saturday, Marge rang up to say that she had a headache and backache, and didn't feel up to anyone except Marjorie visiting that day. So when Marjorie got home that evening, she looked incredibly drained, and said that Marge was struggling as it was all sinking in.

So she really needed her holding cross that night. The one I bought at the Christian bookshop didn't come with the leaflet like mine did, and so I took my leaflet round to give to Marjorie, and when I gave her the cross, she gripped it so tight, and never once let go of it for the whole time we were there - well over an hour. I hope that it will help her to stay close to Jesus at this time.

Both Marge and Marjorie could use some extra prayers, if you could say one or two for them.

Family Service

2010-02-07T16:36:00.003Z

The first Sunday of the month is always the Family Service at our church. There's no KatCh group, and everyone stays together for a fun, family friendly service. And today's service was just great!

The main theme was Jesus feeding the five thousand, as seen through the eyes of a female baker called Hulda, who had baked the loaves of bread and had packed them in a lunch box for her son, who was the boy who provided the five loaves and two fish for Jesus to use.

We kicked the service off with some great worship songs, including this one ...

Blessed Is The Name Of The Lord

And then the two service leaders started off the service by giving out a little paper bag to each person with a gift inside, but we weren't allowed to open it yet. They also asked us to provide the sound effects for the story which was about to be acted out. Those sitting on the right side of the church had to 'gobble' quietly, those in the middle had to 'gobble' louder, and those on the left side of the church had to 'gobble' as loud as they could, and then one lady who was particularly talented at burping on demand, had to burp right at the end. And so every time the word gobble/ed/ing was mentioned, we had to do the gobbles, getting louder from right to left, with the burp at the end! Hehe!

And then the story began, and out came Hulda, to be introduced to the congregation. And oh my, Hulda had five o'clock shadow, thick black eyebrows, and a very masculine-looking watch and wedding ring on 'her' left hand! It was just like panto! The 'dame' in question didn't half get into his character though, camping it up and flouncing about in his dress with his handbag on his arm and a bright pink wig, and he had the congregation in stitches!

So, we were told that Hulda was by far the best baker in the whole of Bethseda, and that she made her loaves of bread with a special secret recipe. When she had finished her work for the day, she walked home and hiked up the hill to find Jesus preaching to the five thousand at the top. Another church member was dressed as Jesus, and there were more church members dressed as members of the crowd of people listening to him.

As far as I remember, I think the story then paused for a while, to talk about how baking was Hulda's talent, and that God gives each of us a special talent to use. We all had to think of our talent, and then shout them out all together. Seren shouted out 'Reading', and I shouted out 'Playing the Clarinet'. We were then allowed to open our gift bags, to find a fish symbol drawn on a piece of paper, and a pen, and a piece of flapjack.

We were asked to write our special talent on the fish, put it back in the bag, get up and walk around the church and swap paper bags with everyone, saying "Here is my special talent; God gave it to me, and to thank God, I am giving it to you."

So we did!

When we had all settled back down, we heard/saw the rest of Hulda's story. As was narrated and acted out, Hulda's friends in the crowd around Jesus kept telling her all about this fabulous bread they were eating, that was even better than hers, and she got very upset. She kept asking everyone who had made the bread, and in the end, they told her to ask the boy near Jesus, her own son.

So she found her son (who was acted by a man taller than Hulda the dame!) who told her all about how one of Jesus's disciples had asked him to donate the contents of his lunchbox to the crowd, and that Jesus performed a miracle and turned the bread into enough food to feed all of the hungry people. When Hulda realised that it was in fact her own bread that was so good, she was very happy!

We then sang some more fabulous worship songs, including this one, which is now Seren's new favourite worship song ...

Lord I Lift Your Name On High

After the service was over, we went through to the hall for a hot drink and a chat with various church members, and it was there that I was asked to join the next local House Group meeting! The church has various House Groups spread around the town, and it just so happened that I was speaking to the lady who runs the House Group in my area of town. They meet on a Tuesday night, twice a month, for a bible study session and a chat, and they've invited me to come along to their next meeting, which happens to be this Tuesday coming.

I was a little nervous to say yes at first, because obviously I probably won't know very many people there at first, but God wouldn't have placed the opportunity so firmly in my lap if He didn't want me to take that opportunity; so I said that I'd check with Adrian that he was happy to babysit, and that I was hopeful that I'd be able to attend. Yay!

Things seem to be moving so fast now, what with the Alpha Course starting after half term, and these House Group meetings twice a month, reading my Bible every night before I go to sleep, reading other Christian books, church every Sunday ... God is well and truly taking over my life ... And I love it!

And so does Seren. She is really embracing Christianity like I've never seen her do before, and she's loving every second of it. :o)

I'll leave you with this week's Text of the Week from the church pamphlet, and a prayer request.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91 v 1-2

And the prayer request is for a teenaged boy named Matthew in our congregation. He has cystic fibrosis and is currently in hospital on IVs, so any prayers for a swift recovery for him would be appreciated.

Thank you xx

Making Time For God

2010-01-31T15:21:00.004Z

First of all, before I talk about today's service, I want to mention what turned up on Thursday ...

C.S. Lewis' Surprised by Joy; Lucas Unleashed, by Jeff Lucas; and a beautiful Holding Cross

And I was only expecting one of those things to turn up. Surprised by Joy. Because I ordered it with some of my birthday money. But when it turned up, I was also surprised by Kate, who is more well known in our house for sending the kids lovely cards and bits and bobs through Post Pals, but this time, the surprise was for me!

The book by Jeff Lucas looks fantastic, and I can't wait to read it! I'm getting a little queue of Christian books waiting for me now! :o) And the holding cross is just beautiful. Inside the blue leaflet which came with the cross (pictured above), it explains that the cross is made with olive wood from the Holy Land, and it is deliberately made uneven, to fit in the palm of the hand ...

Perfect fit!

It also explains that I can either just hold the cross, as a form of prayer, if I don't have the words to convey what I want to say, or I can hold the cross and pray for myself or for others. The leaflet is also filled with lots of beautiful verses, and the ones which spoke to me the most, I am including here:

In times of distress: As I hang on to the cross, Lord, hang on to me.

Our need of Christ's love and mercy: As I hold this cross, Lord, fill me with your strength and peace.

Resurrection hope: As I hold this cross, Lord, I rejoice in the knowledge that our evil and sin do not have the last word, and that your love is indestructible.

Lord, however fearful I may be,
I know that nothing can separate me from your love;
neither death, nor life,
angels nor principalities,
things present, nor things to come,
evil powers, heights, depths,
or anything else in all creation - nothing at all!
Based on Romans 8:31-39

I LOVE how just holding this cross in my hand can be enough to make contact with God. I'm sure there will be times ahead where I struggle to find the words to know how to pray effectively, and in those times, it will be such a comfort to know that I can just hold my cross, open my heart, and talk to God without words.

Thank you very much, Kate!

I would love to be able to track one down for my mother-in-law, because after speaking to her on Friday evening, I know that she is struggling with the burden of responsibility and worry over her mother, Marge. She can't sleep properly for worrying, and I was so sad when she said to me that she feels that she is praying, but that Jesus isn't listening. I tried to reassure her as best I could with my clumsy words, but I think if she could have a holding cross, and read the leaflet and the incredibly relevant verses, I think it would help her a lot. The cross leaflet has a website link, so I'm going to start there.

Okay, so onto today's Church service. Despite setting TWO (count em, one, TWO!) alarms last night, I still overslept this morning, so we had a mad dash to get to the Church on time, but we JUST made it! Phew!

Today's service focused on 1) Argentina, and the missionary work being done there; 2) Making Time for God.

We sang some more beautiful hymns today, and after starting us off with some prayers, the missionaries gave their talk to the congregation. As I understand it, the English speaker, Paul, is a local man, but I don't think the Spanish speaker, his wife Norma, is. They work together in an area of Argentina called Corrientes, spreading the word of Jesus to the local children. They run a Christian school, above a Baptist Church, and they also go out into the community, and they encourage the older children they work with to help spread God's word themselves.

It was a very interesting talk, especially as it was led by the Spanish speaker, Norma, and then translated immediately, phrase by phrase, by Paul. Seren was a bit thrown by that, but I think it gave their talk an extra flavour, hearing about their work in Argentina, and seeing their photos, while hearing the local language as well.

And I think that this hymn was particularly suited to their talk:

Here I Am Lord

They obviously heard God's call to spread His word in Argentina, and are bringing so many children to know Jesus. Thank you Lord for Paul and Norma!

But the chorus also resonated especially strongly in me, as well:

Here I am, Lord, It is I Lord.
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, If You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I loved standing in God's Church and singing out loud Here I am, Lord! And yes, I did hear Him calling, calling me back to His Church. And now I'm back on my journey, I WILL go Lord, if He leads me.

But that wasn't the end of the service, oh no, that was just the family section! Once the children had finished colouring in their Argentinian flags, it was time for Seren to go to KatCh, and then Paul got up to speak again, to preach about Making Time for God.

We read from Ephesians, and the message today was that although we all have busy, stressful, manic lives, we have to remember to make time for God. He gave the example of Daniel (you know, as in Daniel in the Lion's Den?), who although he was in a position of great responsibility, one of three administrators for an entire kingdom, still found time to pray to God three times a day. And received God's power because of his devotion.

I was really pleased to think that since I got my Bible, I have been reading it every day before I go to sleep, and I've finished Genesis and last night, I just finished Exodus. So each night, I go to sleep with God's word in my heart and mind. I also find that I am praying at various times during the day, just short bursts, maybe like the equivalent of sending God a text message; and then at other times, I feel the need to sit quietly and say a longer prayer. And I love it! I love making time for God.

Maybe today's sermon was God's way of acknowledging my efforts to make time for Him.

After the service today, I had to stay behind to talk with the minister about starting the Alpha Course! Yay! There will probably be eight of us doing the course together, and I met four of them today when we got together to discuss when would be the best night of the week to hold our classes.

The plan is to start the classes on a Thursday evening, with the first class being held on 25th February, at a Church member's house. We'll have a meal first (I owned up to being vegetarian and wheat intolerant, with a blush or two, but the Church member said that's fine, and one of my course-mates said that her husband is wheat-intolerant too, so she knows a little about it. Phew!), and then we'll get down to studying.

Today's sermon theme was very appropriate when we were trying to settle on a time that was relatively suitable for all of us, as we all have many other commitments, and a lot of us had to re-jig things to get to the class on the one day we could all manage it.

Adrian wasn't overly happy when I told him that the class would be held from 7 pm to 9.30 pm on a Thursday night, because Thursdays are already our busiest nights, what with Seren going to her dance class from 5.30 to 6.30 pm, and then me going to Slimming World from 7 pm to 8 pm. Adrian spends most of the evening in the car as it is, bless him.

So I've had to re-jig things a bit, like a lot of my fellow course-mates, and I think the plan now will be to drop Seren off at dancing at 5.30 pm, then me to dash to Slimming World and weigh and go, and then go back and pick Seren up from dancing, and then Adrian can drop me off at the Church member's house for 7 pm. Phew! I said I'd get a taxi back home afterwards though, because bringing the kids out at 9.30 pm to pick me up, especially on a school night, isn't really very good for them.

So again, I was making time for God.

And, I just have to tell you that I am so proud of Seren for what she said in KatCh this morning! They were talking about people praying to God when they need help, specifically using the example of Paul and Silas's imprisonment, and the KatCh leader told me that Seren shared with everyone about how she prayed to Jesus to help her when she was so ill during December! Everyone was very interested to hear her story, and the KatCh leader was very pleased! :o) My little girl was just made to love God!

I'll leave you today with the Text for the Week (taken from the Church pamphlet):

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. Psalm 86 v 11-13

The Journey

2010-01-24T23:03:00.003Z

On Saturday night, before I went to sleep, I prayed specifically that God would make His message for me clear this week at Church, and that I would learn from it, and be uplifted.

So you can imagine the jolt it gave me when we got into Church, and the first thing the lady who was taking the service did was to pray that everyone in the congregation would hear God speaking to them, and would hear His message. Wow! Talk about getting that prayer answered!

One of the main focuses of the service today was worship, and lots of it! We sang so so many hymns, about 9 I think! And I loved it. This was by far my favourite of them, and I'm glad I found it on Youtube, so I can share it with you ...

Beautiful One, By The Tree

Today the sermons (they have two, one for all the family, and then a more 'grown-up' one once the kids have gone to KatCh), were all talking about The Journey. And even that title spoke to me, having just found my way back onto my Journey with God.

The family sermon started with everyone being asked to write down on a piece of paper the shortest journey they'd made this week, and the longest one they'd made in the past year. For us, Seren wrote the shortest journey as being her weekly trip to Brownies, and our longest journey being to Cardigan, West Wales, last August. And then we talked about the most important journey of all, our journey with God.

Once Seren had gone through to KatCh, the 'grown-up' service started, and was led by a man. He read from Exodus 33, and he talked about journeys he has been on, like when he walked from Lowestoft to Southwold and back. Now THAT was a long way! And he said that even though the walk left him with a dodgy hip, he was still glad he did it, because it was the last time he was able to spend quality time with his friend who passed away some time later.

And he compared our physical journeys with our spiritual journey. For physical journeys, we have maps, compasses, familiar sights, or SatNavs to guide our way, and without them, we are lost. On our spiritual journey, the Bible is our map, and Jesus is our SatNav, and without Him, we are truly lost.

And just like our physical journeys, where we might experience delays, problems, take wrong turns, get lost, get stuck in traffic, etc; that also holds true for our spiritual journey. I certainly took a wrong turn in trying to cope with my father's battle with cancer, and to an extent, in trying to cope with the kids having CF too. I didn't read my map, and I didn't pray, which to me, is the equivalent of not even turning on the SatNav. So I got lost. Until God stepped in, turned on the SatNav for me, and told me, in no uncertain terms, to turn around and get back on the right road.

And now I feel that I'm back on track, with Jesus as my journey's destination.

He also said that everyone starts their journeys at different points, giving the example of C.S. Lewis, the author of the Chronicles of Narnia ... "I was driven to Whipsnade one sunny morning. When we set out I did not believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and when we reached the zoo I did." [C.S. Lewis]

Now that must have been some journey! To go from an athiest to a Christian in one short car trip. God did some serious talking to C.S. Lewis that day! I found out that I can read about C.S. Lewis' journey within a journey in his book Surprised by Joy, which I definitely want to track down and read.

So for me, the messages I got from the service were: 1) I'm on the right path, with Jesus as my journey destination; 2) There may well be bumps in the road (like with the kids' CF, and my Dad's cancer battle, and now Adrian's Nan being so very poorly), but as long as I keep reading my 'map' (Bible) and keep my 'SatNav' on (ie keep praying to Jesus), then I won't lose my way again; and 3) The destination (Heaven) will be more than worth the arduous journey.

I'll leave you with the Church's Text for the Week:

I will praise you O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 108 v 3-4

Surprise!

2010-01-22T12:54:00.003Z

Wow!

I had a surprise when the postman turned up on my doorstep this morning!

Look what he brought me ...

A fabulous triple CD box-set of 'The Best Worship Songs ... Ever!' and that cool 'Spread The Word' book!

Yeah, and the CF Trust's 'CF Today' magazine. I put that in the photo too because I thought it sort of illustrated the two main themes of my life, God and CF. Normally, when I get that magazine, I force myself to read it from cover to cover, getting more and more emotional and I can't get CF out of my head for the rest of the day. Even though the publication itself tries to be as positive as possible, I always feel very low after reading it.

But not today!

Today I have three new CDs of inspirational worship songs to listen to, and a new book to read, which I'm hoping will bring me closer to God. The book is a compilation of sample chapters from 19 Christian books, and as the foreword says, the hope is that it will inspire the reader to go out and buy one or more of the books, read it/them, and "nurture your faith".

I can't wait to read it! I've been reading my Bible every night before bed, and I'm really enjoying it, so to have this book to read as well is fabulous!

And so I'd like to say a huge

T H A N K Y O U

to Kim for sending it to me, I really appreciate it!

Now, if I just knew who sent me the CDs, I would be able to thank them too ...

God is at Work in Seren's Life!

2010-01-18T00:49:00.002Z

This is going to be short, as it's bedtime, but I just had to share this ...

I was sat on the bed, drying Seren's long hair after her shower tonight, and she said in a small voice, "Mummy, I felt a bit weird at Church today ..."

I asked her what she meant, expecting her to elaborate on feeling wheezy, or nauseous or something, but no ...

"I don't know, I just ... felt really weird when we were hearing about how Jesus is my friend, and how I can speak to him whenever I like and know that he hears me. I felt ... like ... different. Do you ever feel like that?"

My heart soared as I finally understood what she meant.

"Why yes, Seren, I feel like that every single time I go to our new Church."

"How do you feel?"

"I can feel Jesus in my heart."

"Yes! That's it! That's how I felt! I feel like ... like God is transforming me." Those are the exact words she used!

I agreed, saying that God is transforming both of us right now, and after a big hug, she said "We were meant to go to our new Church, God meant for us to go there."

WOW!

The font just doesn't go big enough for how big I want my WOW to be!

I am so happy for my little girl, to see how God is at work in her life, right now!

Thank you Lord!!!

Re-Learning and Moving Forward

2010-01-17T15:22:00.004Z

I had a bit of a shock when my alarm woke me up this morning, as the clock said 10.03 am! So it was action stations, and we just made it to the Church on time! And I'm so glad we did, because today's service was just as inspirational as the previous ones.

First of all, we watched a short video on the Haiti earthquake and how to pray about the disaster. Here are the main prayer points we were given, which I've taken directly from the Tearfund website:

Pray for the people of Haiti as they deal with the aftermath of the earthquake, ask the Lord to comfort those who are injured and mourning.

Pray for rescue efforts to find survivors trapped in destroyed buildings and for communication links and power supplies to be restored quickly.

Pray for a swift and generous response from the international community to help this disaster-prone poor country.

Pray for the safety and protection of Tearfund staff and partners based in Haiti and that they will be able to respond as effectively as possible.

We then moved on to the child-friendly part of today's service, which focused on Jesus healing the blind man, Bartimaeus (which can be found in Mark 10 v 46-52). We sang some beautiful hymns, and then the children were invited to go and sit at the front of the Church, while the leader told them the story of Bartimaeus being healed, holding up pictures to show the children.

And at the end, the leader said to the children how amazing it was that Jesus had heard Bartimaeus calling to Him, above all the other noises and chattering of the crowd, and He had answered him. And the leader said that if the children call on Jesus, He will hear them as well. He also said that once, we were all blind, unable to see Jesus, but once we ask Jesus to heal us, we will be able to see so much more clearly.

A short while later, the children went through to their 'Kids at Church' (KatCh for short) group, and the service continued for the adults, with communion. The leader spoke about the Last Supper, and about how Jesus died on the cross so that our sins would be forgiven. The words today really spoke to me, and the weight of Jesus' actions really sank in - he died so that when I die, my many sins will be forgiven, and I will have eternal life. That is just ENORMOUS. Jesus did that for me, because He loves me!

Wow!

And so when the man brought round the bread and I took my piece, I prayed quietly and thanked Jesus for dying for me on the cross, and asked him to forgive the sins I have committed since my first communion last month.

Then the man brought round the wine, and we had to keep it until everyone else had their wine and we all drank together. And then we sang the most amazing hymn afterwards! I've found it on the internet, which I'm so pleased about, because I wanted to share it with you ...

Amazing Love, by Graham Kendrick

I was close to tears when I sang it at Church, but having sung along to it twice since finding it on the internet now I'm at home, I have shed many tears at the words of this hymn.

Amazing love, O what sacrifice,
The Son of God, Given for me,
My debt He pays, And my death He dies,
That I might live.

As I said,

WOW!

Of course, I have known that Jesus died for my sins for years, because I grew up in the Church, but today, it really sank in all over again.

Thank you Jesus!

After communion, the service moved on to today's theme, 'Run the Race'. We read from Hebrews 12 v 1-2.

My Good News Bible version is slightly different, but the message is the same:

"As for us, we have this large crowd of witnesses round us. So then, let us rid ourselves of everything that gets in the way, and of the sin which holds on to us so tightly, and let us run with determination the race that lies before us. Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end. He did not give up because of the cross! On the contrary, because of the joy that was waiting for him, he thought nothing of the disgrace of dying on the cross, and he is now seated at the right-hand side of God's throne."

The message from the sermon was that we have to run the race towards God, keeping our eyes on Jesus the whole time. Jesus is our goal, and the race is our lives here on earth. And although there are many things in life which make the race harder, Jesus is there to help us at every step, and when we cross the finish line, the rewards will be incredible.

And so, wanting to continue my race, I spoke to the KatCh leader after the service, and briefly explained my history, saying that I want to move forward as a Christian, but am not too sure how to do that. I know that Baptism is my goal, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet, I mean, I DO believe in Jesus, and that He IS my Saviour, but I don't think I know enough about God yet, I want to learn more.

And so, the KatCh leader brought over the deacon who gave today's service, who took my number, and is going to get the Reverend (who was away preaching at the nearby prison today) to phone me about starting The Alpha Course!

The KatCh leader said that she has done the course several times, and said that it is great for going 'back to the basics' and is a great foundation to build upon. Then I can look towards studying for baptism. The Alpha Course will be held at the Church, in the evenings, for ten weeks, and will help me to get to know fellow churchgoers, and to make friends within the Church, which will be a great way to get involved and feel more part of the family.

I can't wait!!!

Seeking Help From The Bible

2010-01-16T22:42:00.004Z

My new Bible arrived yesterday! Yay!

And so, yesterday afternoon, forsaking the washing up (what a sacrifice!) I started reading my Bible. I want to slowly read the Bible from cover to cover, but to start off, I wanted to look at the 'Where To Find Help' section, which covers things like sadness, fear, illness and anger. I wanted to find some messages for me, directly applicable to the journey my family is on, especially at the moment with Adrian's Nan being so very poorly, and with the battles my Dad, Seren and Dylan fight every day.

So I started with the recommended verses on illness, and these ones in particular jumped out at me:

"I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." Romans 8 v 18.

"For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day. And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble." 2 Corinthians 4 v 16-18.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of it's own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings." Matthew 6 v 34.

"Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart." Philippians 4 v 6.

"Since Christ suffered physically, you too must strengthen yourselves with the same way of thinking that he had; because whoever suffers physically is no longer involved with sin." 1 Peter 4 v 1.

After writing those verses down in my notebook, in order to focus on them when I am struggling in the future ...

... I received the phone call from Adrian's Mum to say that Marge was being taken into hospital, and that things weren't looking good for her. Seren was very concerned to hear that, as was I, and I had promised to contact Adrian's Dad to let him know what was happening, and of course, when Adrian got home from work, I would have to tell him too. So I decided to look for further help from my Bible ...

Lots more verses jumped out at me ...

"We who have the Spirit as the first of God's gifts also groan within ourselves, as we wait for God to make us his children and set our whole being free." Romans 8 v 23.

"For we know that when this tent we live in - our body here on earth - is torn down, God will have a house in heaven for us to live in, a home he himself has made, which will last forever." 2 Corinthians 5 v 1.

[Jesus said] "Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11 v 28.

These verses definitely helped me a lot, and so when Seren and I were talking later that evening, while Adrian was picking his mother up from the hospital, and I said to her "Seren, there's something we need to talk about now," and she said "Is it that Nanny Marge might die?", I drew on the wisdom in those verses.

That wasn't actually what I was going to say to her, by the way, I was going to say that we need to take extra special care of Daddy at the moment, and not shout at him (Seren) or ask him for things all the time (both of us) or be too grumpy with him (Seren ... mostly), because he will be very worried about his Nanny.

But once we'd discussed that, we came back to what Seren had said. I said that Nanny Marge has been alive for a very long time, almost 90 years, and so now, her body is getting old and tired, and so even if she does recover from this current episode, then at some point in the not too distant future, because her heart is getting very tired, Marge is likely to be going to see Jesus. And Seren's not silly, she already knew that herself, of course, and I think Adrian's Mum has broached the topic with her briefly as well.

But I stressed that for Marge, going to see Jesus will be a very good thing. She is a strong Christian, who has stayed a strong Christian through the many trials she has endured in her life, and has, I'm sure, more than earned her place in Heaven. And waiting for her in Heaven, will be her parents, her brother, and her husband, whose loss she has mourned for almost nine years.

We, her family, left here on earth, will of course be sad to see her go, because we will miss having her here with us, but once Marge goes to Jesus, she will be healed - healthy, young and strong, and she definitely won't be missing her 89 year old, tired body. She will be happy, and she will be with all those who have gone before her.

We also said a prayer together, to ask God to look after Nanny Marge, and to help the doctors to look after her and help her, and to make sure that Nanny Marge knows that we love her. And it really seemed to help Seren, she got her worries out, and was able to talk about them, and I was able to try and reassure her.

I hope I said the right thing. I couldn't lie to Seren about Marge's precarious health, because she would eventually resent that, but I could try to help her to see that although we will be sad, and will naturally miss Nanny Marge, Nanny Marge herself will be just fine in Heaven.

I'm glad that I have my renewed faith to help myself and Seren through these tough times, and I have been praying that God will help me to support Seren properly through our faith.

I think my new Bible arrived in the nick of time.

A Prayer Request

2010-01-16T00:22:00.005Z

I'd like to ask you to lift Adrian and his family up in prayer at the moment, as his grandmother, Marge, is very poorly.

This was Marge on Seren's birthday last July

She is 89 years old and has an enlarged heart, which they can't really treat, but since Christmas, she has been going quickly downhill and has started sleeping almost all day, and just sitting up in bed gives her breathing problems. She has also started bleeding. Today the GP got the results of her blood test. She is very low on platelets, which needs to be 'rectified' in his words, so Marge was admitted to hospital this evening.

Things are not looking good for her at the moment, she seems to be getting more and more unwell very quickly, and so I am requesting that you ask God to keep her close, to 'carry her', as the Footprints poem says.

Marge is a devout Christian and is pretty ready to go to Jesus, and to be reunited with her dear husband and much-loved family members who are waiting for her, but whether He calls her to be with Him in the near future, or some time from now, Marge's family (particularly Adrian's mother, Adrian himself, and Seren) are going to struggle with having to say goodbye, and so I'm also asking you to pray that God will give strength and peace to Adrian's mother, Adrian and Seren.

I am also praying that I will be able to do my bit to support everyone through this time.

My Dad is also really struggling with his Ankylosing Spondylitis at the moment, and is in serious amounts of pain all the time. I was hoping that he would be well enough to join us here in Suffolk for my birthday, but unfortunately he won't be. Please could you pray that his doctors will be able to get moving with the next step in his treatment, so that the chemo will knock out his AS for a while, or, if he does have a long wait for treatment ahead of him, that the doctors can find a better way than the current morphine to ease his pain.

Thank you xx

Treating Myself

2010-01-12T21:04:00.003Z

Look what I treated myself to today ...

A new Bible for a new start!

I do have two Bibles already, I admit, but they are childrens' Bibles. One of these, I had as a young child, and it's actually the childrens' version of the above Good News Bible, and the inside covers are filled with Christian stickers I used to collect. The other is a Bible for teenagers, with appropriate discussions and thinking points for teenage Christians. Not quite as appropriate for a 28-nearly-29-year-old. So I was in the market for a new one.

And how was I going to pay for it?

Well ... when I stood down as Committee Secretary at the day nursery Dylan used to attend, I was given a gift card for Waterstones book shop, as a 'thank you for all the hard work' present. I had yet to spend it, even though it was about six months old, as I'd been saving it for something special - something I would always remember having bought with my gift card from the nursery.

And I finally found that special something on the Waterstones website today! :o)

And I just love that the end of one era has been linked with the start of a new era. When Dylan graduated from nursery in August 2008, and I left the management committee in June 2009, it really was the end of an era for me, as that was probably the last time I will ever set foot in a nursery. And knowing that that is because we can't have any more children, because of cystic fibrosis, it is something I have really struggled with emotionally.

And so now, as I move into a new era where I am finding my way 'back to the fold', growing again as a Christian, it is so nice to bring a memento of my childrens' younger years with me on that journey, in the form of this new Bible.

I can't wait for it to arrive, and for me to be able to start reading it, and to be able to fulfil another part of the promise I made on Sunday - to read my bible daily. :o)

New Year, and Renewal

2010-01-10T22:01:00.003Z

Today was mine and Seren's first time back at church since the Carols by Candlelight service, and we couldn't wait to get back in there!

What with Seren's chest infection (which she now seems to have almost completely recovered from) and our spending New Years in Wales, our attendance has been patchy since we started there, but there's nothing stopping us now!

We were expecting Seren to be in the 'Kids at Church' group today, but because it was the Annual Renewal service, the kids stayed in the chapel with the adults. They weren't bored though, they had some arts and crafts to do to keep them busy!

The renewal service was a time to reaffirm our promise to God, and to each other as congregation members.

The question being asked was "What will you choose, who will you choose?"

And the key verse was "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." (Joshua 24:15)

For me, this service came at the perfect time, at this point in my life, where that is exactly what I needed to do - to choose to serve the Lord. And yet again, I was amazed at just how relevant it all was to me, how much God was speaking directly to me.

Various people spoke during the service, showing us that in order to renew ourselves today, we need to first look backwards, to see where we have been. And of course, that's what I've been doing on this blog all afternoon. Showing you where I have been, so that you can see my journey going forwards. And so that's what I was doing at church this morning, thinking about how I had wandered away from the Church and from God, and how all of a sudden, God had turned me around and plonked me right back into the thick of things.

There was a lot of looking back over 2009. They showed a video of several church members looking back over what had happened to them in 2009, and how God had sustained them through the year, and then they showed those people talking about what God might have in store for them in 2010.

The arts and crafts items that the children were making tied in nicely with this, as they were decorating bunting flags, and each child was able to select a few flags to decorate.

Seren chose one which said "In 2009, Jesus was my friend," and one which said "In 2010, Jesus will be there for me," and she coloured them in very prettily, explaining to me that she had coloured what she felt were the most important words on the flag in one colour (Jesus, my, and friend on the 2009 flag; and Jesus, there, and me on the 2010 flag), and coloured the rest of the words multi-coloured. :o)

I love the way she thought more deeply about it, and got her own message from Jesus out of the task, not just blithely colouring in the words and shapes.

And then, it was time for everyone to look forward to 2010, to renewing their promise to God. Two speakers talked to the congregation about looking forward into 2010, and the promises we could make to God and to the church.

Firstly, they talked about some personal promises, from me to God, which I could be making. The ones which jumped out to me most today were to promise to read the Bible daily, to talk more about my faith, and to think about moving forward in my journey, by becoming a church member or being baptised. Those are the ones which really hit me hard, the ones that I felt God meant for me to think about. And, just by starting up this blog today, I have already made good on one of my promises, to talk more about my faith!

The Church promises were ones such as coming to church more often, supporting fellow church members, taking the church out into the community, and supporting the church with talent, time or money.

And then, if we wanted to actually make those promises, to God and to the Church, there were two things we could do. To make our promise to God, to choose to serve him in 2010, we could choose to 'drop the pebble into the bucket' (or in this case, the glass pebble into the bowl), and to make our promise to help 'build up' the Church, we could choose to add our names to a Lego brick, and build a little wall with all our names.

And so, yet again, there were physical ways to worship. The first service we attended, it was dressing up as a cow and an angel and re-enacting Jesus' birth. The second service, it was me taking part in my first communion. This time, it was choosing to get up, go to the front of the church, and drop the glass pebble into the bowl, as a symbol of my promise to serve the Lord in 2010.

It doesn't sound like much, just dropping a glass pebble into a bowl, but it meant so much. At the end of November 2009, I was so far away from my faith, and now, today, the 10th January 2010, less than two months later, I was standing at the front of the church, promising to serve the Lord in 2010. Incredible.

Thank you Lord! Thank you for bringing me back!

And to be dropping my glass pebble into the bowl alongside my precious daughter, well ... I couldn't have been happier.

And then, together, we wrote our names on the Lego bricks, and we helped to build that little Lego wall. Our names are now on those bricks, in that wall. We are now part of that wall. Part of that church. I can't believe it! Less than two months ago, I was, as I just said, so far away from my faith, and all alone, trying to struggle through my emotions on my own. Now Seren and I have a new church family. I can't believe it!

Thank you Lord! Thank you for bringing us to our new church family and bringing us home!

We made our way back to our seats on a total high, and we stood together in our pew, and I belted out the hymns with my arm around Seren's shoulders and my heart flying. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and Seren was right by my side. It was beautiful.

My only sadness was that Dylan wasn't right there with us. I know that he has his autism, and I know he has his developmental delays, so he's not able to participate in things like church services and 'Kids at Church' really yet - he hasn't got that level of understanding. But I can see the amazing progress he's made so far, and so, I am hoping and praying that if I'm patient, then one day, he will be able to become part of church as well. For now, just to be able to share this experience with Seren is an incredible blessing.

Two Services in One Day

2010-01-10T19:01:00.007Z

Seren and I had to miss the service on the 13th of December, because, as the readers of my other blog will know, Seren and I were stuck in hospital all day that day. Seren had been put on IVs for a CF-related chest infection the day before, and her long line in her elbow, which was being used to pump the antibiotics into her bloodstream, clotted overnight.

We ended up staying in the hospital for 8 1/2 hours, while they fitted a cannula in her hand and gave her her evening dose of antibiotics. And even without the foul up with the lines, I don't think Seren would have been well enough to attend the service anyway, especially with the other young person with CF in the congregation being at risk of cross-infection from her.

So, we had to wait until the following week, the 20th. When we went to two services in one day! Yay!

In the morning, we went to the normal service, and I blogged about the first part of that in my other blog, so I'll just copy and paste that here ...

"Seren and I stayed together in the chapel for the first part of the service, which was all about Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, the gifts the Wise Men brought to the baby Jesus.

We were made to feel just as welcome as before, and Seren was able to go to the front of the Church with all the other children and make some pretty things out of gold paper, to represent Gold. She made a golden star, and a golden crown, with the help of a lovely lady sitting near her on the stage.

Then it was time for the children to go through to their 'Kids at Church' group, so I took Seren through to the hall, introduced her to the group leaders, explained about the cannula in her hand for her IVs, handed over her inhaler, and as Seren seemed incredibly relaxed and happy to be there, barely even glancing at me, I left her to it."

And when I got back into the chapel, God had more life-changing moments in store for me ...

When I got back into the chapel, they were still talking about Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, but in a bit more detail. The leader was saying that Gold needs to be purified before it's used, as do we, and that this is what happens to us through our lives, and this represents our past, and how our past has purified us.

Next the leader told us that Frankincense is burned to make the Church smell sweet, and that when we come to Jesus to pray, our hearts should be sweet, instead of full of bitterness about whatever is currently going on in our lives - the present.

And lastly Myrrh, which has had lots of uses, modern day uses being make up and a few other things, but it is a very bitter substance, and in this situation, it was used to represent the future, and how our plans for our lives can be very different from God's plans.

All those things really spoke to me. The 'Gold' section for me, was about all the trials we have endured in the past, and how those trials have made me the person I am today.

There have been so many trials, being bullied at school; being treated badly by an ex-boyfriend; my Dad's diagnosis of AS; going through a tough labour and delivery with Seren; Seren's diagnosis of cystic fibrosis; post natal depression after Seren's birth (which I had until she was about 15 months old); having a tough pregnancy and recovery period after my c-section with Dylan; Dylan's diagnosis of cystic fibrosis; Dylan being ill almost constantly from 1 month old to 3 years old; post natal and reactive depression from October 2004 to April 2009; losing my paternal grandfather in June 2006; losing my maternal grandfather in June 2007; my Dad being diagnosed with cancer in early 2008 ... There have been many trials.

And I felt as if God was speaking to me through the sermon, acknowledging all those trials, saying that it was those trials which were working to help make me into gold. That hit me so hard, but not as hard as the Frankincense section did ...

The leader asked if our hearts were pure and sweet when we prayed to God, or when we came to His house to worship. And I knew that mine was not. And I felt as if God was saying to me that He knew it wasn't too. I was tired, and bitter about how horribly ill Seren had been for the past couple of weeks, and how horribly hard life was at the time. Don't get me wrong, I was there that day to get some peace in my heart to replace the bitterness, to feel closer to God, to get some guidance on how to cope with the things in my life the way God wants me to.

And I got that in spades. I felt as if God was showing me that when I come to His house, and when I go to Him in prayer, my heart needs to be pure and sweet, that I need to let go of my bitterness. That part spoke to me so strongly that it had tears springing to my eyes.

And the Myrrh part spoke to me as well. If Myrrh is to show us how our plans for our future aren't necessarily the same as what God has in store for us, well ... that was a message direct to my heart as well, showing me that God knows best, he knows our paths, and as I read on a blog just today, "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you". And that is what I need to focus on for the future. God knows best. God has it all in hand. I don't think it's going to be that easy for me to hand the reins of my life to God, but that was the message I got from that part of the sermon, that that is what God wants me to do, hand the reins of my life to Him.

I have never had a sermon speak to me so directly and so clearly. My mind was reeling. And when the leader said that for communion that day, there would be three tables of bread and wine: one table with bread, wine and gold; one table with bread, wine and frankincense; and one table with bread, wine and myrrh; and that if anyone wanted to take part in communion, then they should choose the table which most suited their needs at that time for prayers, past; present; or future ... well, it was like a lightning bolt to me.

I've never taken communion before, because when I was younger, I was told that communion was for the grown ups, and then when I was a little older, I was told that communion was only for those (like my mother) who had been Baptised. (For non-Baptists, remember, Baptists must choose to be baptised as adults, and are not baptised as babies)

So, I've not been baptised. The point at which I would otherwise have been thinking about studying for being baptised, I was actually moving to England, getting married in a register office and then having Seren and caring for her and her CF needs.

But the leader said that the only requirement for taking communion was that you have to believe in Jesus, and love Jesus. Which I know I do. And so I thought about it. And thought about it.

Should I take communion? Is it too soon in my journey 'back into the fold'? Should I do it? Is it the right time?

I waited for my answer.

And I felt that it was a resounding YES. It felt absolutely right.

And so I did it! I got up, heart pounding, and I walked to the Frankincense table, waited in the queue, and moved closer and closer to the front. When I got there, a man and a lady stood at the table, one with the bread, and one with the wine, and I quickly, breathlessly, asked them, "I haven't been baptised, but I do believe in and love Jesus, is this okay?"

They assured me that it was, and the man offered me the plate of bread. Now, being wheat intolerant, and with that being 'normal' wheat-containing bread, I was a little nervous, but I wasn't going to let wheat intolerance stop me from having my first communion, and so I broke off a small piece of bread, and put it in my mouth.

My heart was still pounding, and it was an enormous moment for me. The lady offered me the tiny cup of wine, and I drank it down, and the man and lady both asked God to bless me, and it was just the most incredible feeling ever. I thanked them, and made my way back to my seat in absolute awe of what had happened to me that morning.

I still can't believe how strongly I felt God changing my life.

When I got back to my seat, I had chance to say my own private prayer, and to talk to God quietly. And I needed that. I was so glad of that quiet time while everyone else was finishing taking communion, when I could thank God for what He is doing in my life now, and ask for His help in making my heart less bitter, and more sweet.

And for the whole of the rest of the service, I was close to tears. Every song seemed written just for me, with just the words I needed to be singing to my Lord. It was incredible. Church has never seemed so personal.

When the service was over, I collected Seren from the hall, and she was absolutely bursting with excitement! Her 'Kids at Church' group were taking part in the Carols by Candlelight service that afternoon, and she was desperate to know if she could dress up as an angel and sing with them on stage. And, as she knew, she had a beautiful angel outfit hanging in my wardrobe, just waiting for Christmas Day. So she wanted to know if she could wear it a few days early for the carol service. And of course, I said yes! So she was chuffed!

So, by 4 pm, we were back at our lovely new Church, ready for some Christmas fun ...

Seren, Dylan and Adrian making stockings in the church hall

Dylan and his stocking

Seren and her finished stocking

Adrian and Dylan's stockings

Meeting Father Christmas, who put some chocs in their stockings for them!

And then once the kids had had some refreshments, and we'd got Seren changed into her angel costume, we made our way back into the chapel for the carol service ...

Seren at the front of the chapel, waiting for the service to start

The chapel looked beautiful, with tons of electric and real candles, and the most beautiful wooden nativity set nestled in the corner, and the lights on the Christmas tree burning brightly.

And it was a lovely service! And even Dylan, with his autism, coped quite well through it too! He did get restless a few times, and Adrian had to take him out to the toilet once, and he did get up and dance around to one of the hymns at one point, but only after two other similarly-aged boys did it first! And because it's a nice relaxed atmosphere, and the Church band and singers and the congregation drowned out any noise the boys might have made, it was fine!

There were lots of songs being sung, readings being read, prayers being prayed, dances being danced, and drama scenes being acted, and there was even a puppet show, which Dylan loved! And of course, Seren had her big moment with the rest of the angel singers ...

Waiting to sing their song

Busily singing their song, with actions!

The angels had to stand near the crib and sing a song, complete with actions, and considering that Seren only had her first rehearsal that morning, she did rather well!

It was a beautiful, Christmassy service, and we came out of the church totally uplifted. And I was glad that I'd been able to explain to one of the leaders that because of Seren being on IVs and having our 'hospital sleepovers' and late night and early morning doses of IVs, we wouldn't be able to make any more church services until the New Year, when we would be back from Wales.

Finding the Fold

2010-01-10T18:53:00.002Z

And so on that Sunday morning, we got ourselves all ready, and Adrian and Dylan dropped us off outside the church. I was so nervous walking up to the door, but the door was opened by the most friendliest of men, who welcomed us into the church and directed us towards the chapel itself, where we were greeted again in the most friendly of manners, and Seren was given a strand of silver tinsel, while I was given a card with the word 'Moo!' on it.

One of the greeters explained that today was the family nativity service, where the entire congregation would be getting involved in the fun, and so we took our place in the 'animals' section of the pews.

I sat there with Seren, amid the hustle and bustle of parents settling their kids for the service, friends greeting each other and enquiring after each other, and children laughing and giggling and chatting between themselves, and I was amazed at just how at home I felt.

I stared around at the many people-filled pews, the twinkling Christmas tree on the raised pulpit area, the Christmas lights draped above the organ stall, and the instruments lying on the stage, waiting for the band to sit down to play them.

The whole atmosphere was welcoming, and that feeling only intensified as the service started. And we had a lot of fun in that service. It was led by two speakers, and as promised, pretty much all of the congregation got involved in that nativity! I, along with many other adults and children, was a cow. There were other animals like pigs, sheep and rabbits; and there were loads of Marys, Josephs, Shepherds and angels. Seren was an angel :o)

We all had to get dressed up in our costumes, which for the animals like myself, meant that we had to make ourselves a headband with cow ears attached and a cow nose which we tied on with string. Angels had white robes and tinsel to wear, and Seren happily trotted off with all the other angels (all strangers to her at this point!) and got herself ready. And all the Marys had blue robes to wear, and the shepherds had green robes and teatowels.

Me as a cow (taken after the service)

Seren as an angel

Me and my angel (a lovely lady sitting near us offered to take this photo of Seren and I together)

And we all had parts to play in the nativity. The Marys and Josephs had lines to say, and had to go up to the stage to say them, and so did the shepherds. And the angels had the coolest part of all! They regularly had to stand up and shout "SURPRISE!" for example, when they appeared to Mary to tell her that she would be bearing Jesus, and when they appeared to the shepherds to tell them of Jesus' birth. Seren LOVED doing that!

But my (and all the other animals!) starring moment was when we had to go up to the stage and sit on the front of the stage, in front of the stable, and sing Away in a Manger and make our animal sounds.

I sat there, amid all the other grinning 'animals', looking out at a beaming Seren, and at all the other smiling people in the congregation, and I just couldn't believe I was actually there! Actually taking part!

Both Seren and I were made to feel incredibly welcome, and the whole time I was in the church, I just couldn't believe how at home I felt. I had never been in the building in my life before, but from the second I stepped over the threshold, it was like ... coming home. I could feel my heart opening again, coming alive again, letting Jesus back in. I had to fight back the tears during the hymns, the words all rang so true, and spoke so strongly to me, piercing me right to the heart.

I never wanted the service to end, but of course, it did, and so Seren and I made our way through to the church hall for a cup of tea, where we met lots more friendly people. We bumped into the friendly man who had greeted us at the door, and when I asked him about the Christmas services coming up, he gave me a leaflet with them all on, and they sounded great! There was a regular service on the 13th, a Carols by Candlelight service on the 20th December, a Watchnight service on Christmas Eve, and a Family service on Christmas morning.

We walked back out to meet Adrian and Dylan, who were waiting for us in the car, and we were absolutely buzzing. Seren had enjoyed herself so much, and I was just over the moon at how much I had got out of the service, and I just knew that that day was the first day of the rest of my life.

The Beginning of my Journey

2010-01-10T16:06:00.004Z

I guess I should tell you a bit more about myself, my family, and my religious history, so you can see where I'm coming from, and better follow my journey.

This is me ...

I'm Rebecca, and these are the precious people I share my life with ...

This is my husband of nearly 9 years, Adrian, our 7 year old daughter, Seren, and our 5 year old son, Dylan. If you want to read more about us as a family, then head on over to my original blog, Life as a Mum to 2 Children with Cystic Fibrosis. This blog is ongoing, and I've been keeping it for over three years now, and it chronicles the rough road we've been following for the past few years.

This blog is my place to explore my spirituality, and is my way of keeping track of my journey 'back into the fold'. Not that I've ever hidden my religion on my other blog, I've mentioned prayers and prayer requests, and spoken about going to Church, or Seren going to Sunday School, but this blog ... this is where I want to talk in more detail about how I'm feeling, and about my desire to get to know the Lord better to be able to love Him and praise Him fully again.

So, in order to move forward, I need to explain my past, the other side of my 'broken road' ...

I was dedicated into the Baptist Church as a baby, and my mother and maternal grandmother were regular Church attenders.

For any non-Baptist readers, Wikipedia has a brief explanation of Dedication ... "A dedication ceremony takes place in some Christian churches which practice adult baptism (most commonly Baptist churches). The child is presented to the congregation, and vows are made to raise him or her in the Christian tradition, in the same way as at the more common christening ceremony, but the child is not baptised, as the adherents of the denomination believe infants are unable to make a profession of Jesus Christ as Saviour."

For all of my childhood, I attended one of the two Baptist churches in my hometown. The pastor at my church was called Mr Close, and he was the nicest pastor ever, and the Sunday School leader, Mr Rosser, was just as nice. I attended the Sunday School from a young age, working my way up through the classes as I grew older, and a couple of times, I even gave the Sunday School lesson to my class when I got into my later teens. I also attended Good News Club on a Friday night at the Church, and then when I outgrew that, I moved on to Christian Endeavour, which was also held on a Friday night.

So, Church was a big part of my life, and I loved it.

When I moved here to Suffolk, I knew no-one, save for Adrian, his parents and his grandparents. I discovered that there was a nearby Baptist Church in my new home town, but to be honest, I was too nervous to turn up on my own out of the blue, knowing no-one, and so, when my grandmother-in-law offered for me to join her at the local Friends Mission Hall for their Sunday service, I accepted gladly.

The Friends Mission made me feel very welcome, and because they followed a Baptist form of service (and Seren and Dylan were Dedicated there, following the Baptist order of service), I settled in okay, but I was in somewhat of a minority, and not just because I'm Welsh, but because at least 90% of the small congregation were in their 70's and 80's. I was in my early twenties at the time. But we were made very welcome, and Seren went to her first Christmas services there at the Friends Mission in December 2002.

But then when we moved to the other side of town in February 2003, and neither Adrian nor I could drive (I still can't!), and I was working 5 evenings a week as a directory enquiries operator, I couldn't attend the Friends Mission Hall services very often.

So, as I didn't know anyone in our new area of town, I just made do with going to services with my mother at the Baptist church in South Wales whenever we were 'in town'.

But then, a few months after we moved, I was given information on nearby toddler groups, one of which was held on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons at a nearby Church of England church. It fitted in nicely with Seren's naps at the time, and so we started going there now and then.

Again, we were made to feel very welcome, and we got to know the vicar and his lovely wife and children, and attended the occasional service there, usually at Christmas-time.

Once Dylan came along, and was so unwell, we didn't get to the toddler group very often, but I kept in touch with the vicar's wife through the Community Parenting programme I volunteered in for some time. (Here is an explanation of Community Parenting ... Community Parent Volunteers work with and support families living in the local area with a child under the age of 5 years. We offer a confidential, befriending, parent to parent support which helps isolated families to meet others. We use picture based information sheets covering topics such as parenting, healthy eating, hygiene and personal health. We are there to listen to families.)

So at this point, the only time we were visiting a church was when we'd attend the Baptist church in South Wales, and in January 2005, we spent a beautiful, emotional and uplifting day there having our wedding blessed, Seren dedicated for the second time, and Dylan dedicated for the first time, in front of the Welsh side of our family and friends.

Dylan was dedicated for the second time in May 2005, here in Suffolk, at the Friends Mission Hall, with some of our Welsh family, and our English family there to share with us.

But we still weren't attending many actual church services, apart from the occasional service at the nearby Church of England church. And it was after one such service that we were talking to the vicar about Seren maybe starting to attend their Sunday School group, called the Sunday Gang. As I remember, Seren had just started attending Rainbows, which was held in the same church hall, and so I knew she felt comfortable there.

So, even though it was a Church of England church, I wanted to honour the promise we'd made to bring the children up in the Christian tradition, and so Seren started attending the Sunday Gang. And she really enjoyed it. The vicar, his wife and their children are lovely, and Seren settled in there nicely, back in ... late 2007, I think.

But more recently, Seren was seeming to lose interest in the Sunday Gang. At first, I thought it was just because she'd been unwell recently, but when her reluctance to attend persisted after she'd recovered, I had to re-think things.

I did try to encourage her to attend, stressing how much I had loved attending Sunday School when I was growing up, and I didn't want her to miss out on that, especially because she very much enjoys learning about God and Jesus, and loves to read her Bible stories, and so clearly wants to have God in her life.

But, in all honesty, I had to admit to myself, that it was rather hypocritical of me to be encouraging her to attend Sunday School when I myself rarely saw the inside of a church from one month to the next. I wasn't exactly 'practising what I was preaching'. So what sort of an example was I setting to her? 'Do as I say, not what I do'?

And that is the moment when God stepped in and changed my life.

That was when I had to admit to myself that I was gradually falling further and further away from the Lord, and was in danger of losing Jesus from my heart altogether.

Things had started to go a bit pear-shaped when I moved to Suffolk, and I struggled to find a Church I was comfortable with. But at first, that didn't affect my faith, and I was still trying to live my life as a Christian, upholding my Christian beliefs, and praying regularly.

But once things got so unbelievably difficult, when Dylan was a very sick baby, and a very sick toddler, I lost my focus a little. And then as depression held me tighter and tighter in it's awful grip, I lost my focus a lot. I became bitter and angry inside. But I did still pray. I didn't forget God completely, but I struggled to love Him completely, when such bad things were happening in my life. I know that's awful, because those times were when I should have been turning to Him even more, and letting Him sustain me ... but I didn't.

And then, when, on top of all the awful things that we'd suffered through, my Dad got cancer, ugh, I was just so darned angry. But I still prayed. I prayed and prayed for his cancer to be treatable, for him to be cured, for him to recover and to regain some quality of life. He was going through so much already with his Ankylosing Spondylitis (a treatment for his AS actually caused his lymphoma), and it was just ... well, totally unfair when he got cancer as well.

And then, when we were told in January 2009, that his doctors were giving up on trying to cure Dad's stubborn secondary mesenteric tumour, that they were just going to try to 'control' it for a while instead ... that was when my faith all but disappeared.

Red hot anger overwhelmed me, and, I'll admit it, I was angry at God. Why on earth was He putting my family through this??? Hadn't we been through enough??? I won't go into it all now, partly because it would take so long, and partly because it would invade the privacy of members of my family; but from about 1998 through to the present day, my family has been through some pretty horrendous times. It's been heartbreak after heartbreak.

And the thought of losing my father was the last straw. I was absolutely furious at God. I tried to tell myself that He had a plan for us, that there was a reason for all this stuff happening, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't see that plan, and I couldn't see why why why why why we had to face losing my precious Dad.

And after that, I pretty much turned away from God. I didn't pray too often, and found it hard to find comfort in religion. It was definitely not a fun time. But I didn't know how to make things any better.

I was still encouraging Seren to go to Sunday School through the year, but then when she became unenthusiastic about going, I knew I had to do something. I didn't want her losing her faith like I'd lost mine.

So I had to do some serious thinking.

And ... I decided that it was high time I got myself back into a church. Using the excuse that Church of England wasn't 'my style of church' wasn't going to cut it any more. If Church of England wasn't my style of worship, then what was I going to do about it?!?!?

Try the local Baptist church, that's what! And this time, I wouldn't be going alone. Knowing no-one. I'd be going with Seren.

I suggested it to her one Sunday, after she'd refused to go to Sunday Gang again, and she jumped at the idea. Wow. So I researched the Baptist church on the internet and saw their lovely website, and the following day, I phoned them up to ask if it was okay if we came along to their next service.

Of course, they said that was fine, and they said that they were happy to have Seren in their Sunday School, and happy to be responsible for her Cystic Fibrosis and asthma needs during the Sunday School sessions. And of course, I had to check if there were already any other young CFers attending the Sunday School, and as it turned out, although there is a young person with CF within the Church, that person is quite a few years older than Seren, and isn't in the same section of the Sunday School. Phew!

So we planned on trying out the Baptist church for the first time the following weekend, but as it turned out, I came down with a flu-style virus which knocked me out for two weeks solid, and so it wasn't until 6th December that we were able to attend a service ...

God Bless The Broken Road

2010-01-10T15:07:00.002Z

First of all, the photo credit for the picture I used in my blog title ... Photo by J.D. Lasica (1988) I found it on this website when I searched for pictures of sheep.

It's a line from a Rascal Flatts song:

"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you."

And you could say I've been on a broken road. A road that started out pretty great, straight and true, heading straight towards the Lord. Then my life filled with changes, moving countries (Wales to England), leaving my family behind, leaving my familiar church behind, coming to a strange town, full of strangers, becoming a wife, becoming a mother ...

And then the challenge really started, and not only did the road 'break', with the lovely, smooth tarmac erupting into a never ending series of potholes, but I ended up losing the path completely for a while there.

My daughter (Seren) was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, and then so was my son (Dylan), when he came along 26 months later. I developed post natal depression, which turned into 'reactive depression' as I tried to care for my two children and their extra needs. And I struggled with living so far from my parents at such a time, especially as my Dad is disabled, and has been battling with his Ankylosing Spondylitis since the late 90's. And I lost my grandfather to brain cancer in 2007.

But through those tough times, I did try to find my way back onto the path a few times, and I kept praying. But then, when my father was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma in early 2008, and his still-continuing cancer battle began, I felt myself begin to fill with anger, and struggle to keep my admittedly dwindling faith.

And when we were told in January 2009 that my father's cancer wasn't curable anymore, that the doctors were just going to try and control it, the anger took over completely, and I found it difficult to even pray anymore.

But just last month, God made His move to bring me closer to Him again. Thank you Lord!

And, after making a promise in church today to make the effort to speak about my faith, I started this blog to chronicle my journey 'back into the fold'.

This lost sheep has found her way back to the path.

Photo credit: Sheep lamb - pdphoto

I have a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, but oh, what a journey it's going to be!